nolals

Dear Jenni: I would like to talk with you. The others who wrote to you gave you great advice!! What happened with me when my ex was divorcing me was that he STAYED……….as in the basement? And he would have the two youngest kids, ages 6 & 8, sleep downstairs with him……..telling them that mom was "mean" and wanted to kick him out!! I didn’t want to hurt them or put them through MORE emotional trauma, so I put up with it for 6 months. Again, he had total MENTAL control over me!!
He didn’t have to hit me……..his mental abuse was frightening enough…….and I think HE knew that if he ever DID hit me, I would go after him big time legally. He at least could control THAT about himself.

I’m hoping that by now, you’ve TAKEN ACTION!! I am hoping you and your unborn is safe right now!! I will pray for you.

ANOTHER THING!! NO, NO, God isn’t IGNORING you……..He will bring you through, but you must physically get up and leave, if you haven’t already. He will open door s for you, but you must step out in faith.

I was so beaten down emotionally, that by the time I finally mustered up the courage to get a restraining order against him, and have him thrown out, I had my girlfriend holding my hand on the sofa, to give me strength, while the Police stayed and monitored that he didn’t take anything out of the house that wasn’t HIS. It was embarrassing, my whole neighborhood was outside watching. I told him: "Even if I lose the house, even if I’m on the curb, begging with my kids, it will be BETTER than here with you abusing me!!" That broke the whole river of anger, resentment, and all. It kind of scared him, too. I had no education, no job, no nothing. NOW, I am an R.N., Have my own house for 17 yrs now. I’ll tell you more later, but God has blessed me, even though I made a couple more really dumb mistakes since that time. Bless yu honey! Nola

Post edited by: SweetTea, at: 2005/12/03 00:24

Hi Vicki: You know, I’m 56, and I kinda think your mum KNOWS what’s going on……….and if she DOESN’T, then she is kind of deliberately staying in the dark. YOU ARE 19, legally an adult. It’s too bad you still depend on her acceptance of you as a person, that you need her approval. I was a foster kid, and it kind of feels like she kept you in a controlled situation more or less, like I had been. Otherwise, why at 19 do you fear to tell your mum? Do you have other friends your age that would also have this problem?? In this day and age, actually, people are MORE open and stuff, not at all like in the 60’s. So I have a feeling she’s not letting on to you what she already knows, or fears.
I always looked for feedback from my kids on how I was doing as a mom….in the way of listening to them and trying to understand them, that is. Rules still applied and all that. But I kept open communications with them. Of course, they still hid some of the stupid stuff they did as teens. We all did that to our parents. Hey, if your MUM needs some feedback or someone to talk to, send her HERE and us "older" ones will help out. OK? Nola

Dear Jennie: Hi, I’m Nola. I’m 56 yrs. old (yeah, I know, old enough almost to be your grandma!) but………I was 19 once, ….and unmarried and pregnant. I was soooooo scared! I had left home right after graduation from high school, cuz my foster dad had just died, and my foster mom who had been abusive since I came there at 6 yrs old, was an alcoholic. I had been very controlled as a teen, by strict foster parents. So, when I left home at 18, I was ready to "strike it out on my own". I stayed with my older sister and got a job downtown at a bank. Then……….I met David. I "fell in love" and of course, had sex right off the bat. That was in October of 1967. By February the next year, I KNEW I didn’t want to be with that person, he was MEAN. Not hitting, like you’ve sufferd, but still made me feel small and dumb. I couldn’t see at the time, HE was the "dumb" one, as in……….HE still lived at home, went to Junior College, had support from his folks. Didn’t have to worry about money, and his folks paid for his car. I struggled paycheck to paycheck keeping my apartment and enough to eat. I broke up with him in Feb. of 1968, then, was getting sick the middle of April, found out I was pregnant. I was scared, to say the least. Back then, abortion wasn’t legal, so that wasn’t an option. I tried to keep it from David, telling my friends NOT to tell him. I just wanted to go on with my life, hoping God would help me through it. They didn’t even have pregnancy resource centers, or even Planned Parenthood, or I didn’t know about that, anyway! Long story short……David found ut. He DEMANDED I marry him, or he would find a way to take my baby away from me. I was scared of him. When we went to tell his folks, his mom asked why I didn’t want to marry him. I told her, and she asked him WHY would he want to marry someone who didn’t love him that way anymore? He said because it was "his" kid and he wasn’t going to ever let anyone else raise it.
Well, we got married that June and I suffered through 17 yers with a man I didn’t love like I had hoped to with a husband. We were good friends, but it just wasn’t the same as I saw with my friends who DID marry without all those problems, including an "instant" family. He ended up divorcing ME when his business went to the dogs, and the oldest two kids were teens, with a lot of pressure.
What I’m trying to get at is this: Somehow, someway things will work out for you, alone with your child. Please see that unless people really WANT to change, that they finally see how they’re hurting others with their abuse, they MUST. If we let them continue treating us as they do, we really, really, lose respect for ourselves. Not to mention putting our children in harm’s way.
Honey, It WILL WORK out!! That baby is a blessing………God WILL help you. Please look to HIM. Find a basic, bible-believing church, accept His Son Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Don’t worry about the "Yeah, but I can’t be perfect" stuff. HE takes us and leads us, slowly, into our lives here on earth and changes us from the inside-out. I will be praying for you! Nola