Dear Becky — When I was 15 I was so in love with my boyfriend Destin. We were almost completely inseparable. We did everything together from laying on the grass in the park staring at the sky to staying up late at each other’s houses and watch movies. We would always hold each other, cuddle, and kiss but hadn’t had sex. I was a virgin and he respected that and never pressured me into it.
One night when I was at his house for one of our “movie nights” he was kissing me and holding me and I knew at that point, I was ready. If anyone I wanted to lose my virginity to him so by the end of that night i was no longer a virgin but that was also the night my life wouldn’t be the same…
When I was 15 I was so in love with my boyfriend Destin. We were almost completely inseparable. We did everything together from laying on the grass in the park staring at the sky to staying up late at each other’s houses and watch movies. We would always hold each other, cuddle, and kiss but hadn’t had sex. I was a virgin and he respected that and never pressured me into it.
One night when I was at his house for one of our “movie nights” he was kissing me and holding me and I knew at that point, I was ready. If anyone I wanted to lose my virginity to him so by the end of that night i was no longer a virgin but that was also the night my life wouldnt be the same…
Three weeks after that special night with Destin and I, I started having really weird feelings and I didn’t get my period when I was supposed to. I asked my friend whom had a baby already if she could give me advice on figuring out if I’m pregnant and what to do. She helped me to buy a pregnancy test. I was so nervous I nearly fainted!
As soon as I got home I rushed to the bathroom and took the test. As I waited I just knew what the result would be and tears came rushing uncontrollably out of my eyes. I was so scared. 15 and pregnant? How could this be? How could this happen? Why me???
I knew I had to tell Destin. I wanted to tell him before I told anyone so I thought of the perfect time to tell him. When I finally got it out he did nothing but sat there and stared at nothing. I just kept looking at him with hope he wouldn’t go into a rage or anything. He must have sensed my fear because at that moment he looked at me with those brilliant eyes I admired so much and told me everything would be alright then held me tightly.
Later that day we got all of our parents together to break the news to them. We thought it would be better to tell them all at the same time so we did. My parents reacted as if I was a complete whore and completely disowned me. His parents on the other hand was very accepting to the news. After what went down with my parents, they willingly took me in because I had no place else to go.
The day of my first ultrasound finally came. I was excited and couldn’t wait to see the little one growing inside me for the first time. When the doctor pointed out the heartbeat to me I cried. I didn’t know though if it was tears of joy or tears of fear..I think a little of both.
With the way Destin was supporting me and his parents supporting us I knew everything would be ok. I would have our little girl and everything would be great she would grow up to be a beautiful happy girl. I was so confident everything would be ok.
At 1:03pm when I was eight months, my water broke. Destin and his mother rushed me to the hospital. I was so scared with all the pain and everything. In the hospital room as I was pushing her out and I kept crying out “It’s too early!” Finally I heard screams and looked at the doctor and there in his arms was our little girl. I was crying tears of joy when I saw her. Suddenly in a flash, her cries stopped abruptly and the doctor and nurses rushed her away. I started screaming some more wanting to know what was wrong with my baby.
After three hours of worrying, crying, and wondering why i couldn’t see my baby, the doctor came in to my room. My little Star was no longer here. I cried and cried. The fact that I didn’t get to meet her, hold her, feel her, kiss her, or hug her is what hit me hard. I wanted so badly to just die so I could be with her. Destin took it as hard as I did. We both had no idea what to do with ourselves at that point.
I sat in my room and cried for a month. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. I barely ate, talked, or anything. All I wanted was Star to come back.
When I finally got around again seeing everyone with their babies and looking so happy made things so much more worse. I wanted that so badly. But I knew even if she wasn’t here physically, she was still here.
I am now 18 and Destin and I have had another little girl named Farah who is now 2 and we have another baby on the way. Farah knows she had a big sister and as she and the other baby gets older they will know all about her and know they have a sister in heaven watching over them whom they will meet someday.
To all of you girls who have went through similar things as I have… stay strong. Even if they aren’t here physically… they are still here with you each and every day!
In loving memory of
Oct. 23, 2003-Oct. 23, 2003