I am 17 and I got an abortion about 4 months ago, in the beginning of August. I haven’t had any one to talk to about it, and I’ve been extremely depressed about it. It all started in early July, when I missed a period. I waited taking a test, praying I was just late. I waited about two weeks after, and decided I should probably take a test. Well one weekend my parents went out of town, and so I took it early in the morning.
I was so scared, and I had a very strong feeling it was going to be positive, and sure enough if was. I broke down, and sat on the bathroom floor and cried, I cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up. I went back to bed, and was there all day. When I told my boyfriend later that day I was pregnant, he didn’t have any emotion, he just said well we’ll take care of it, like taking out the trash or something. That made me cry more, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, my boyfriend pretty much threw it out there I was getting an abortion and that was that, and that just tore me apart. I held of making an appointment, because I really didn’t want to go through with it.
Eventually, I felt like I had no choice, my parents wouldn’t understand if I told them, and sure I had my friend, but beyond emotional support they couldn’t really do anything. So I called to go for a medical and made my first appointment which was to get my blood drawn and get an ultrasound, during which I not only saw the heartbeat, but the doctor also told me it looked like it was a girl. I left the clinic totally emotional and torn apart, of course on the outside I acted like it was ok. On the day of my abortion I was shaking and felt so sick, and the long wait in the clinic didn’t help. After being asked questions, and given medication, I was called back into the room where the abortion took place. I felt so alone, and so scared. Everything from then on went so fast, it was like even if I wanted to change my mind they didn’t even give me time. I had to take off my clothes and lay on this table with a sheet over me, and I shook and shook, and cried, and then two doctors came in and explained what they would be doing. One of them hooked my up to a heart monitor thing, and the other got all the “equipment” out, and then she said that I was going to feel some intense cramping pain, and that was the worst part. It felt like something was just tearing my insides apart, and sucking it all out of me, I mean I felt everything. The numbing medicine didn’t even work, and the whole time i clenched the white sheets and looked up at the ceiling and cried. My legs shook a lot and eventually I couldn’t control it at all.
At one point I looked down, and saw this long tube with all this blood in it and I felt like I was going to puke, it was such a horrible sight. After a few minutes they were done, and I couldn’t even move. The nurse got me dressed, I don’t really remember that part, but it’s embarrassing to know some lady put on my underwear and pants for me…like a child. Then I stood up, and felt really dizzy, so I sat back down, and put my head down in my hands and cried. The nurse stood next to me and asked if I was ok, and if I felt sick, I shook my head no because I wanted to to left alone, but I felt horrible. She asked me if I could stand up and I did, and she walked me to the next room, but I didn’t quit make it to the chair they had set up for me, I started dry heaving and it wouldn’t stop, and then I threw up several times, Then they sat me down and gave me some more pills and some water, and after that I passed out.
I woke up to someone taking my blood pressure, and looking in my face, I felt so violated. Then they asked me to go to the bathroom to see how much I had bled, and it was quite a bit, but I lied and said it wasn’t much. So they let me go, with a bad full of pills, and papers. I left with pics from the ultrasound, which is the only thing I have left. I never went back for my checkup, which was stupid but I couldn’t go back into that place. Now every time I hear a baby, see a baby, or think of a baby I fantasize about what it would of been like to have kept mine. It would be due in Feb. and to this day I hate myself for doing it.
My boyfriend doesn’t understand what I went through, or how it affected me… he thinks its all gone and in the past, but I relive it every single day, and I cry all the time. I already have depression, and have gone to therapy, but going through this made it ten times worse. Thank you for listening to my story, and I encourage everyone out there to just have their baby, please.
My name is Julie, and I help Becky answer e-mails. I wish I could give you an enormous hug right now and let you cry on my shoulder. What a burden you have been bearing, and I’m glad you have begun to talk about it. I haven’t personally been through an abortion, so I can’t pretend to understand everything you are experiencing. But I have friends who have, and I know that the pain and guilt are tremendous and you feel very much alone. I also know that there is hope after an abortion – that you can find peace, healing and forgiveness.
I’d like to recommend a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” by Linda Cochran. It has really helped a lot of women find peace. Also, there is an organization called Optionline that will put you in touch with a pregnancy resource center in your area. Most of the centers have post-abortion support groups and other resources to help you heal. Just go to http://www.optionline.org/advantage.asp or call 1-800-395-HELP. There is also a website – http://www.abortionrecoverydirectory.org that might help.
I’ll be praying for you – and I’m here to listen if you want to talk more.