I was just 18 when I found out I was pregnant. I had been with my partner for 5 months.

In that time, he had already cheated on me, but we were trying to work it out… I was so blinded and so in love with him, I would have done anything for him. The first thing he said to me when I told him I was pregnant was, “Well, have an abortion” like there was no choice. I was too scared to object and there was no way I wanted to tell my parents. So we didn’t tell many people and I went through the process. I got such bad morning sickness. I was throwing up every morning and working 16-hour days. It was hell for me, and he was out drinking every night and spending all our rent money on alcohol. So I went ahead with the termination. I was so sick of feeling how I was and thought I’d soon lose him if I wasn’t there to go to town and drink with him. After the termination, I felt relief and thought I’d just forget it and move on but I didn’t. It’s like there was a part of me missing and constantly aching and I couldn’t fill that void. He promised me we’d have another chance, that we’d wait till we were 23. So I stopped telling people how much it hurt, how much I regretted it, and blocked it out, pretending everything was ok.

I then again found out I was pregnant 5 days before my 20th birthday. I was back living at home and told my mum. she wasn’t happy but said I had to decide because I’d already had one. I figured again it was the easiest thing to do and that because I’d done it once, it would be ok to do it again. Again after this one, I had complications and had about a month of work and started drinking heavily again, wrecking every relationship I tried to start,

And now I feel so confused and so alone. I want to cry at the smallest things. My best friend got pregnant and the father wanted nothing to do with it, yet she kept it. I felt so jealous that she was strong enough to go ahead with it and struggle to be around her. Everytime I see babies or baby clothes or toys, I want to cry. It’s like this void inside of me that I can’t fill and I don’t know what to do anymore. And I’m so scared to tell my church leaders or anyone there for the fact they might judge me or not like me anymore because of what I’ve done..

I miss my babies everyday. How do I cope with this? Its been over 3 years since the first one and almost 2 since the 2nd, yet it feels like just yesterday…