here we go…

So….Today’s the day.

I’m telling my dad. I’m not sure how he’s going to take it…But I hope he’s not too disappointed…

helpppppppppp

When I was 20, I found out I had PCOS and told I’d have a real hard time conceiving.

Here I am at 24 and just discovered I am pregnant after spending 3 years feeling really down that I might not be able to have a baby. I am in a loving relationship which is fairly new as we have only been together a year and a half but the best relationship I’ve ever been in. BUT

We are both not ready… I am currently unemployed and being supported by my father and my partner is working part-time and lost at what he wants to do career-wise… All the negatives out of the way, the positives to keeping this baby… But something is stopping me at this moment and I’m so frightened.,. Can I bring a child into the world being financially supported by my dad???

HELP!!!

Hey girls! Let’s talk…

Hey everyone,

OK… I know you all know what it feels like to struggle with stuff, go through hard times, have fears and questions, and feel lonely and confused.  We all go through times like that.  Well, I was getting to a pretty low point in my life… like LOW.  I have grown up in church my whole life, and have been a Christian since I was very little, but I drifted away in the past couple years.  And I had given up on the hope that anyone could care about me enough or love me enough to save me from falling.  I couldn’t feel God there at all, and I even doubted that He existed.

But then… I went on a youth retreat with my church, I guess almost as a final attempt to feel anything.  To feel God again.  And I don’t know how, but something changed… And I FELT him.  I FELT His love for me.  I was SHOCKED by his forgiveness and acceptance of me even though I seriously screwed up ALOT.  I don’t know what your beliefs about God might be or even if you believe in Him at all, but I just wanted to invite any of you who are interested or have questions or opinions about God and being a Christian or anything like that, I’d love to discuss it with you… I’ve said before, I don’t judge people.  I have messed up horribly in the past.  I have no right to point any fingers.  And I promise I’m not going to preach at anybody lol. I’m a Christian and I can’t even stand it when people do that.
I’m just inviting anyone to ask any questions or discuss beliefs with me who wants to.  I know a lot of you are probably going through a very difficult time right now…  I just wanted to remind you that God cares and is there for you!  and i care too.

Check my profile out and be my friend if you aren’t already!  Love to hear from you…

Faking it

I’ve gone through the last few years faking …. faking that I’m OK and that I’m happy and stable.

I guess that I’m a better actress than I gave myself credit for. I’ve started crashing again, just too many things going on right now. Aergean nearly died and I thought I would too if he didn’t pull through… Now I’m not sure that I want to live, even though he’s OK again…

I got woken up by a friend this morning… around 7 am…. calling to tell me that she’s pregnant. I still don’t know how I managed to talk to her for a half hour and pretend that I was happy for her and hadn’t died inside again. Is it wrong of me to envy her like this? To want what she has so badly that it’s driving me insane?

I just want to get away from home for a while and clear my head… I just want to be the old me again… without having to pretend.  I just want to be completely happy and not resentful and angry and teary all the time… but I don’t even know if that’s possible anymore.

Picture of Purity

She was the picture of purity. Of innocence. Of grace. She had a beautiful child-like mind, filled with excitement and joy in life, and with insatiable curiosity.

She wanted to experience all the world had to offer, and she was brave enough to do so. She knew if she was ever going to fulfill her curiosity and reach some small kind of enlightenment, she would have to leave her ignorant little provincial town with its boring safe inhabitants who knew or cared little about the exciting scary world that surrounded them. With tearful goodbyes to mother, father, sister, and friends, she bordered the plane to take her to a school across the continent and didn’t once look back. Freed from her incessant protective shelter that unwittingly prevented any personal growth, her world opened up and flooded with everything new. New people, new senses, new culture. It almost went unnoticed when new values poured in with the rest. The transition from porcelain perfection flowed so smoothly even she could not pinpoint the moment she changed. It spread, black ink over flawless white. Her innocence was corrupted and twisted and her gentle naivety and ignorance were weapons against her as the weapons of the world took over. Poisoned and crippled, she lost all sense of what she once was. Alcohol stole her intelligence, drugs stole her grounding, and a combination of both allowed an unknown boy to steal her virginity. She was left weak and bruised and abandoned, but not alone. Out from the humiliating pain and influenced despair came something entirely unknown. A small, convoluted spark in the darkness. A little flame that grew and changed within her, taking up what was left of her battered resilient strength until it demanded her attention. And the shaking blue stripe told her it was a baby. This new dark world that she did not recognize or know shattered, and she was left floating in nothingness. She was lost, afraid, and in irrefutable despair. She was an outcast, ridiculed and pitied. Desperate, she clung to the knowledge that hurt as she was, there was one who was still weaker than her. There was one whose existence depended solely on her ability to live and live well. The drive of the being inside her gave her the quiet resolution to pick her shaking form off the bottomless ground. With nowhere else to turn, she looked to her memories, dishearteningly seeking some resemblance of strength and shelter. Nothing in the recent past held any kind of reassurance but fuzzily in the distance, as though from some long-forgotten dream, a memory existed of clean, white, safety. A little town, ignorant and naïve. A small community of people who never sought excitement or adventure, and who were endlessly uncurious about the wide scary world that surrounded them. But people, nonetheless, who cared and loved her, who wanted to protect her innocence, but mostly to just protect her. This sanctuary was where she could go, away from the dark corrupting strangers, to grow the living awareness inside her body. She returned, prodigal, the arms of her family stretching out for miles to engulf her in their protective embrace. With loving tears and loving anger, they accepted her brokenness and carried her and her dependent through to recovery. There the two of them will stay, resting and growing in perpetual safety. Staying, at least, until the little testimony of caution develops its own sense of curiosity and adventure.

It will, she hopes, learn from the story of its mother, and not seek to venture into the wide scary world until it is ready; until it knows who it is, and what it values; until it has locked the picture of purity deep inside itself, never to be overcome.