I Started To Panic!

I have been married for a year and a half now to my best friend of eight years. My husband works while I continue to finish my university, online as I think I am a little past my uni years. In May this year, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time in my life. It felt like I was waking up with a massive hangover every day; vomiting, headaches, back pains, my breasts were extremely sore, I always needed to pee, I was always hungry, and I suddenly started hating the smell of scented candles-something I’ve loved my WHOLE life by the way. So I took a pee test. The instructions said I had to wait three to four minutes. I wasn’t afraid, I was sure I wasn’t pregnant like I’ve never been sure of anything else in my life before. One minute into the pee test hadn’t gone by and I started to see a second red line appearing. I can not share with you all how shocked I was. After the time frame had passed, two very bold red lines were staring at me. Freaked out, I went to the closest pharmacy and bought ten more pee tests with all the loose cash my husband left in his car.

I went home and repeated the same procedure. Not one of the ten came out negative. I didn’t cry. I was just shocked. Shocked that i was even able to be pregnant and shocked that I felt happy about it. My husband was happy too. For the next couple months, i changed my diet, ate healthy food and cut down on my junk food…Suddenly baby clothes were the most beautiful things id ever seen! No one, but my husband and my sister knew. Then all these questions came flying into my head about money, safety, security, I didn’t know anything about raising a baby. Then I thought about my husband and our plans, to save up, to travel, to live in a different country for five years, come home and then start our family. I thought about my parents, who are very strong Christians but would so understand if i told them and I was sure I’d have their support through it all. I thought about myself, my school, my plans, what I lacked. Then I started panicking. I got scared and I started looking for methods of abortion, it is illegal to go through abortion in my part of the country. I went through with it in a most unethical manner. And then I started bleeding heavily…for weeks. I wish I could have a reason for my panic like most of you do-at least you have some justification for your actions, some explanation for what you have gone through. But me, I’ve lived in shame since then, because after I aborted my baby, I am so ashamed to say it, but I was relieved. I was relieved that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. What kind of person feels that way about anything? I took something that wasn’t mine to take and I spat in God’s face as a thank you for giving me a gift. My husband knew what I was going to do, he was upset but didn’t stop me. I suppose it was because he was in the same boat as me, thinking about our future plans.

I can tell you now, the regret I feel and the shame are one of the most constant things in my life today. It never goes away and never lessens. I would’ve thought that by now, months after it has happened, that I would be over it or at least be able to look at a baby and not crave to have mine back or to not cry every time I look at one. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through and I have had my share of painful. My husband has a daughter with someone else, granted before we were married, but boy does it hurt so much when I see him laughing and playing with her. I wish I could see his joy with my baby.

I share this story for anyone who is considering abortion. God, don’t do it. It is something you will live with for the rest of your life. It’s made me feel like a failure and I deserve this guilt. I can’t even apologize to God for what I’ve done because I feel like there’s no way He can ever look at me and forgive me. How could anyone if even I can not forgive myself? I live on a verse from the Bible about the woman who could not stop bleeding, she said to herself “if I can just touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, I will be healed”. I will find my healing at the feet of Jesus, I know. He will take me back as he always has. But I can not face Him, can not face myself, my husband. My struggle isn’t moving forward, because life goes on and it will not stop to cry with me, I understand that. It isn’t also that I can not admit I was wrong because I’m doing that now, I did that when I asked my husband for forgiveness. My struggle is forgiving myself, and asking God to do the same for me. My struggle is learning to cope with it. I do not want to live with shame forever. I regret what I did. It was the biggest mistake of my life and no amount of blogs or sessions or counseling or treatment or vacations or ice cream will ever make that mistake seem smaller or an “ok” mistake. I understand what anyone first timer who just found out she is pregnant feels like. Don’t give in to the doubt and like everything pregnant people eat affects the baby, so too do your decisions as its mama.

My love encounter to my baby: I’m sorry my love. I panicked and I hurt you, which was undeserving. Still, no excuse or reason will make what has already been done ok. You were my joy and I loved you so much it hurt. I cry for you every time I remember, and I remember everyday. I’ll try my hardest to live my life to what’s right in God, if not only to be a part of His perfect world but to earn entrance to heaven and see what you look like, to hold you and tell you I love you. I love you still, I always will and when your daddy and I have your brothers and sisters, we will never forget you. You are still our eldest, and will always be my baby.

Love,
Your Mama