Dear Becky — I was seven weeks pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. I considered abortion for about five seconds. I felt I had to protect our baby already!
I went to tell my boyfriend. They had been cooking Garlic something for a family dinner. The minute the aroma reached my nostrils, I was so nauseated I couldn’t stand. We sat for dinner and I took one look at the pasta and ran to the guest bathroom and threw up. This was the lowest moment of my life (until then), sitting on the tile and him rubbing my back. His mother walked in and said, “I will assume this was your fault.” He didn’t reply.
Dear Becky — I have known my boyfriend since before I can remember… We were the kids that are on the black and white cards in the grocery store. Adorable and fated to be with each other. He moved away in fourth grade. He moved back to southern California our freshman year of high school.. We started right where we left off, we were inseparable. He went to the brother school of the all girls Catholic school I went to. We became sexually active not to long afterward … My mother (a devout Catholic) would always infer to be “careful” but never broached the subject of “safe sex” with me, because that was unholy and my body was a vessel for Jesus. I truly didn’t want to burn in hell for our sins (sex) or as the nuns said our fornication.
We stopped having sex. After a football game, a stumbling defense man and an admiring school girl created one of the most precious things known to man. I tried to convince myself that I had missed my period because of stress from my overly competitive school, but one day, it finally clicked. I did the first thing I can remember against my parent’s wishes, I ditched school to go to Planned Parenthood. I was seven weeks pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. I considered abortion for about five seconds. I felt I had to protect our baby already!
I went to tell my boyfriend. They had been cooking Garlic something for a family dinner. The minute the aroma reached my nostrils, I was so nauseated I couldn’t stand. We sat for dinner and I took one look at the pasta and ran to the guest bathroom and threw up. This was the lowest moment of my life (until then), sitting on the tile and him rubbing my back. His mother walked in and said, “I will assume this was your fault.” He didn’t reply.
When I recovered from the nausea, he sat me on his bed and asked me if I was pregnant. Of course I responded with yes, and his expression never wavered. He told me everything would be alright. I told my parents within the next few days. I was too scarred to tell them, they didn’t tolerate unwed mothers, and as hyped Catholics, I was ima! Gaining my parents reaction was going to be good… My boyfriend told them and I sat in the next room on the couch. You could have heard a pin drop, they told him to go home, but he refused. He was worried about me, and spent the night on the floor outside my bedroom (My parents wouldn’t let him sleep with me).
The next morning I dressed in the uniform and walked downstairs like every other morning. This morning was different. Two tall, bald men stood in the kitchen. My parents explained to me this wasn’t tolerated in this house, and I had two options: abortion or a unwed mother’s boarding school. That morning, I packed my bags for my correctional schooling. My parents told everyone I had gone to summer camp early. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my Boyfriend. When I got there, I was rooming with a girl who had a eating disorder. My boyfriend had no idea where I had gone. He begged my parents to tell me. He eventually told them, if they didn’t tell him where I was, that he would tell the church that I was pregnant. My parents never felt remorseful for sending me away. I was miserable with women who were very sick.. with eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies, drug addictions, and such. My parents went as far as to pick out a couple who lived in New York to adopt my daughter. I flatly refused this. She was my daughter and there was no way in hell I was going to give her up. Come hell or shine, she was my baby, our baby.
After receiving information about where I was, my boyfriend convinced my mother to come get me. My mother arrived when I was eight months pregnant. She said we would strike a deal. I could keep my daughter if I promised to go to college in two years and finish high school. I agreed. The moment I saw my boyfriend, I felt every emotion over the last five months melt. He held me for a long time and just told me to cry. When I was seventeen, I gave birth to my Daughter Kennah Deirdre… The day our daughter was born was the best day. She comes with no sleep, frustration, and she tends to be very expensive, but it was worth it. No matter what our parents think.
My daughter developed a pretty horrible cold a few weeks ago. I gave her Tylenol and other remedies but she couldn’t shake it. Her cough seemed to develop deeper and deeper and became more and more raspy.
I began to worry. My boyfriend said that if she wasn’t better by Sunday, then we would take her to the doctor. She didn’t make it. As of early this week, my daughter was diagnosed with pneumonia. She is on a ventilator and unconscious. She is lifeless, no sparkle in her eyes or rosiness in her cheeks. She can’t even cry, she just moans.
Last week, Kennah was saying Mama and Dada. We began trying to teach her how to walk. She laughed and played with us. She was still our baby. I sit and watch her chest rise and fall, but this isn’t normal and machine is doing it. I touch her face and stroke her arms, but she is clammy and hot. I whisper encouragement and tell her to have strength, but she doesn’t respond. It’s six o clock and my baby, the only thing in the world that depends on me and is my soul responsibility, is slipping away from me, and all I can do is watch.
After all we have been through, after all the trials, I will never see her walk, or walk her up to the first day of kindergarten. I will never take her to brownies. I will never cheer for her in any sports. I will never take pictures of her going to her first high school dance. I will never watch her graduate high school, and I will never help her pick out a white dress for the most important day of her life. I will never tell her how beautiful she is and tell her that he doesn’t deserve her. Never will I do those things unless she fights. How is it I fought so hard to keep her, I went through so much pain to hold her and protect her, but in the end it hadn’t mattered. This joy and blessing that was mine has slowly slipped from my open arms into oblivion. Her joy, smiles, dimples, and knowing look will always be at the back of my mind.
As I sit here and doctors fly in and out to and from all I want to do is push pause. I want to grab her and cradle what little life is left in her fragile body and conjole her to live. How is a life so small mean so much.
Where is the justice in this? What has her life being taken accomplish. I cry and hold my boyfriend and he sits and cries and we mourn our daughter together.
Doctors are telling us there isn’t anything left. They medically can’t do anything. It is in her. So should I fight for her plead with her, but what if she doesn’t fight? Should I be mad that she didn’t fight harder? How is that fair? My poor baby, my sweet angel.
God Bless you, Kennah Deirdre..
Mommy loves you
UPDATE: Kennah Deirdre passed away on Friday 4-4-07. This angel touched your hearts. For only just a while. To teach you what it means to love. And show you how to smile. She could not stay for long. For God soon would call her home. But she left behind these memories. To carry with you when you roam. She taught you though her courage and the strength it took to live. And to see her eyes and smile. Oh, what you wouldn’t give. Now your tears of sorrow fall. But through each tear there is a light. For this end is not goodbye. Its only time till you’ll unite. For one day, the skies will open. And God’s hands, they will unfold.
And your precious baby will await
For your arms to hold. So till then, hold on. Keep her legend in your hearts. And know the journey isn’t done.
It’s only just the start…
Devyn
Dearest Devyn,
I’m Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand Up Girl website with some of her e-mail. I truly had to sit back and get my composure back as I read your e-mail. So descriptive from the beautiful heart of a loving mother … you. I know that your story will touch the heart of – if not hundreds – thousands of girls all over the world!
Devyn – I am so so very very sorry you are experiencing this terrible ordeal right now … but I would also like to share with you.
As I have prayed for you. Jesus is truly very real – and He hears your and my prayers. I’m terribly sorry for your loss and I hope that you can find comfort soon. In the meantime Devyn – will you please let me know how you are? I wish I could give you a great big hug and hug the pain away. But you must go down this trail of life. I’m here any time you’d like to talk. OK?
Much Luv – Lisa
Your life has taken an unexpected turn and it is time to make a new plan! There are probably lots of things on your mind and perhaps it is hard to think clearly because you are afraid and feeling vulnerable. You are a mother and have a little one to take care of now.
The good news is, you can do it! Many other women have found themselves in your situation and have come out of it as stronger women and wonderful mothers. This is going to be a very difficult time for you and the next couple of years raising a toddler will not be easy either. However, if you work through your life a day at a time and make the most important things your priorities, you will not get as overwhelmed.
The most important thing to do right now would be to surround yourself with loving, supportive people. Do not be afraid to reach out! Look around for a young moms group or drop by a local pregnancy center where you can find many resources. Attend groups where you will discuss everything from pregnancy, relationships, nutrition, childbirth, to all the practical aspects of bringing your baby home. You can also find immediate assistance with food vouchers, maternity clothes, baby clothes, prenatal vitamins, baby equipment and much more. People are at the centers to respect your privacy while giving you love and practical support. Trust me, I know this from experience. With my first pregnancy, I spent much time at a local pregnancy center. At first, the idea of dropping in was very intimating and I felt embarrassed that I needed help. Before long, I felt quite at home and was so grateful for all their help.
Once your immediate needs are taken care of, you will be in a better place emotionally to start planning your future. Do not think that just because you are pregnant or have just had a baby that you will not have a future. You could receive grants to go back to school as a single mother and there is also childcare funding available. Ultimately, the best place to go for information regarding education would be to go speak with a financial aid officer at your local college or university. They will be able to connect you with all the resources you need in order to further your education.
Think about marriage long and hard. An important part of your future will be what role the father of your child plays in your life and your child’s life. Marriage can provide mutual aid and support for a lifetime, but keep in mind that unless you build your marriage on a strong foundation, it can fail. If the father of your child refuses to play a role in his child’s life, remember that he cannot escape financial responsibility (which is often why men are so insistent on abortion). You should seek legal advice on this matter (ask at your local town hall for access to free legal advice) and have an order for child support put in place.
Planning your new future can seem overwhelming at times, but do not give up! Day by day, you will work through this. If you are looking for further resources, an excellent website to look up is www.singlemom.com
Never forget, you have the power in you to give your little child and yourself a hopeful future.
The father’s 37? He’s my age and I do understand what you’re going through. People like me have a knack for being stupid at times and getting involved with really young girls who’re innocent (as compared to us) gives a real high. Enough of that. When I remember the fact that there was a time that I didn’t want a child and I lost that child, I really kick myself in the butt. I lost and turned my back on a God-given angel! He may not want the baby now, but it’s really not up to him.
Killing a baby is not something you want to do just to protect the interests of a person who doesn’t want the responsibility. Please do not get the abortion. Trust me, if this man leaves you because of this, you will get over it. If you kill your baby, that will haunt you until you die and though your baby may forgive you, your pain and guilt will always run after you.
One thing most girls make the mistake with is when they think that the best way to keep a man is by always giving him what he wants. Many times though, guys don’t know what they want and especially what they actually need.
A good number of times, what we really are looking for is someone who will stand up for what is right, someone who is strong enough to tell us what is truly important and valuable. If we find that a woman can decipher what is really good and valuable as compared to what is hip and passing, then it may be time to get hitched.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m a sinful bastard and I’ve had my share with playing with young girls. What really makes me stick to my wife is that whenever I do something wrong or want to choose something wrong, she points out in a very firm way what is really meaning and actually meaningful to me so that I don’t just go through life living as if nothing is important.
Stand you ground and do what this site says, “Stand Up, Girl”! Show him how valuable his child is by showing him how much you want to keep the baby because it really is the right thing to do. If he can’t see that this is murder or he’s just willing to kill his own baby, then maybe he really isn’t worth it. A man is supposed to lay down his life for his wife and his children and it’s supposed to start now. If you’re able to make him grow up by standing your ground, then you’ve actually done him an incredible favor.
Keep the baby and take heart. You’ve undoubtedly found many girls here who have babies from different fathers who were all dumb enough to turn their backs on their babies. The mothers? They’re having a hard time, but they’re reaping the benefits of having loved truly. They are being loved back and when the time comes, those babies will really show that keeping them was the best idea ever.
Take care, honey. Show that man what’s right.
Erick
Twins appear to kiss in the womb. A twin leans over and kisses the cheek of her sister in a heart-warming picture that would not be out of place in any family home.
Yet these siblings are not even born and the astonishing images have been captured on a new ‘four-dimensional’ ultrasound scan of the womb.
The scans are a highly developed form of traditional ultrasound where very high-frequency sound waves are used to produce images of what is inside the body.
As with older forms of ultrasound, sound waves a emitted from a transducer, or probe, which is placed on the mother’s abdomen and then moved to ‘look at’ areas in the uterus. These sound waves bounce back off the fetus, helping to create a ‘picture’ of the child on a screen.
The new 4D scan uses the same frequency of sound waves as in a normal ultrasound. But the sound waves are directed from many more angles, producing a ‘real-time’ video of the fetus as it moves and allowing scientists to say the images are in four dimensions.
A girl born after just under 22 weeks in the womb – among the shortest gestation periods known for a live birth – will remain in a hospital a few extra days as a precaution, officials said. Amillia Taylor, who weighed less than 10 ounces (283 grams), had been expected to be sent home this week. However, routine tests indicated she was vulnerable to infection, said Dr. Paul Fassbach, who has cared for the baby since shortly after she was born.
“She has been fine,” Fassbach said, but doctors are being extra cautious “now that she’s going into the world.”
With every day that passed, I hoped to wake up and discover that I had started my period and that things would be alright for me. But every day that went by without it, I felt more and more terrified that maybe my initial thoughts about being pregnant were right. I was pretty scared and had just moved to a new school, so I didn’t have any real friends to talk to about it. I just couldn’t let myself know that I was pregnant because I never thought it could happen to me.
Dear Becky — I’m new to this site and have found the testimonies and stories very heartwarming, and have heard from some very amazing, strong young women here.
I’m 18 years old, and though I never gave birth to my baby, I still consider myself as having been a mommy. The chain of events that led to this story began around my birthday this past year, which happens to be around Christmastime.
The week before Christmas, I felt funny, especially since I missed my period, which never had happen to me before. I started thinking about possible explanations for this and finally settled upon the thought that maybe my eating patterns caused this delay with my period.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I held a very scary thought that maybe I could be pregnant. But I was in a deep denial, being only 17 years old, and already had a lot to deal with, just having been kicked out of my guardian’s home and living with my grandma, who previously had raised my sister and I from 9 months old until I was 14. With every day that passed, I hoped to wake up and discover that I had started my period and that things would be alright for me. But every day that went by without it, I felt more and more terrified that maybe my initial thoughts about being pregnant were right. I was pretty scared and had just moved to a new school so I didn’t have any real friends to talk to about it. I just couldn’t let myself know that I was pregnant because I never thought it could happen to me. I could never ever tell my grandma, who I consider my mom, and I would never let anyone, lese in my family know because their worst fears of me following in the exact footsteps of my parents who had my sister and I young and still in high school. I knew they would all think of me as a reckless, careless, irresponsible, lost, and corrupted naive girl, so telling anyone in my family was not an option.
During this time, I hadn’t taken any pregnancy tests, so one might think I was worrying for nothing. But sometimes, you just have these feelings, gut instincts and intuition, and I knew despite my denial, what the reality of the situation really was. After having suspicions for two weeks after my missed period, my boyfriend decided to take me to get an at-home pregnancy test, just to be sure that I wasn’t. He’s 19 years old and recently graduated culinary school and maintains a stable job at a restaurant as a chef.
Naturally, being so young and fresh out of school, he had plans and hopes and dreams of a bright future for us, saving up money so that we could afford a place of our own together some day in the future. So this missed period really did give him a scare.
We knew how young we were and how difficult it would be, but his paranoia and nervousness in combination with mine led us to seek results as soon as possible. So after returning from the pharmacy, I went to the bathroom, treading with heavy steps.
After taking the test and waiting for the results, I had this really nauseous feeling in my stomach, all the knots of anxiety and hope, fear and excitement. I held my breath as I looked at the test with the corner of my eye, dreading this little device that would determine our future and change my whole life. Part of me didn’t want to even know what color the strip would turn, I was in such a state of denial and hope that things would be OK, but I knew that ultimately I had to look. In the few seconds before I looked at the test, my heart was already confirming what I had felt weeks prior, deep inside, in the back of my mind. There were two pink lines. My mind immediately went in a frenzy. I felt dizzy and helpless, shocked and just completely surprised. I never would have imagined that something like this could happen to me.
I had to tell my boyfriend, who was waiting patiently in his bedroom, awaiting our future. I laid down next to him as his anticipating eyes met mine, and my heart was beating so fast and I felt so lightheaded that I’m surprised I made it to his room without falling as I had felt so in shock that my legs might suddenly give out from right underneath me. I had thought right then what to say to him but when I opened my mouth, my throat had locked and I felt this lump like when you try to hold in really heavy tears and sobs, and he just looked at me, waiting for me to speak. I finally brought myself to say, “You’re gonna be a daddy,” surprised at even my own announcement.
After having known him for over 4 years and dated for 2, I felt immense trust and love towards him that I knew he would support me in any decision or route I chose to take. He smiled and hugged me, holding me tight, as we lay together, just contemplating, getting used to the feelings, just trying to calm ourselves for this sudden great news.
He promised me that no matter what, he would always be here for me and that we would keep our baby, however difficult life would become. I wasn’t as afraid before now that I was sure I had someone to lean on. We knew we couldn’t do it alone so we told his parents and surprisingly they were very reassuring and supportive having been young parents themselves and been in our footsteps. We scheduled a doctor’s appointment the next day and confirmed the pregnancy. Scared but excited, I continued to what I thought would be an average day happy that things seemed like they would be OK. As of that time, I had moved in with my best friend so that I could finish my senior year at the same high school I had been attending.
I was excited to start the new semester and what a dream rooming with my best friend. But that day I started bleeding, and got really scared at what that might indicate, my first thoughts were pessimistic, but my friend and I did research and convinced ourselves that it was normal. But I felt really weird about it and we decided to see a doctor. I didn’t have insurance at the time and no job so I couldn’t even see a real doctor to help me because I couldn’t afford the costs. So my two best friends and I went to a Planned Parenthood nearby, hoping to get some answers and help.
After being admitted and having heard how nice and friendly people at these clinics were, I felt comfortable enough to fill out a sign in form. Minutes later, an attendant informed me that I would not be able to talk to anyone there because I had chosen to keep my baby and they only wanted to see people if they chose abortion. I was appalled at how coldly I was treated and how unfriendly and shrewd that woman was. So we left without having any other further business there. The mention of abortion made chills run up and down my spine.
Though I was brought up religiously, it had nothing to do with my beliefs about abortion. I just knew that I would and could never do that to my baby so abortion was definitely never even a thought or option for me at all.
After the bleeding lasted 4 days, I went to another doctor since I had money and they referred me to an ob/gyn specialist. I was scared at what they might tell me. Before going, my boyfirned and his parents had talked about the situation and had decided that it was a miscarriage. It made me mad how carelessly and quick they were to assume such a horrible thing, but in my mind, I feared they were right.
Weeks passed and after having taken a blood test, after being referred to another doctor again, I awaited results. I called the doctor and nervously awaited. Then she said that results indicated that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and I was at least glad at the moment that she spared me from using any crude terms to describe it. I was really really sad about it that day but had kind’ve already cried it all out the week before when I convinced myself and prepared myself for the inevitable results. My friends tried to tell me that it happened for the best and that I just wasn’t ready but I never really discussed with them how happy I was and excited for my baby, a baby conceived of the love my boyfriend and I shared. We had thought about whether it would be a boy or a girl and how our baby would look, everything about everything.
It was all a pretty heartbreaking experience, and then life went on with my boyfriend and friends and his parents, no one talking about it, acting like nothing ever happened, just saying how I shouldn’t dwell on it. But every time I see someone with their baby or hear a baby cry or smile, it makes me sad to think of what ours would have been like. At only 8 1/2 weeks old, their life had already ended.
Even though my baby wasn’t very old and still small, I considered our little joy already part of the family which is why it pained me so much. I used to blame myself and wonder what I did wrong, cry out of nowhere sometimes, but I’ve come a long way now and am glad to have shared this with all the other people who suffer as well.
It hurts me to consider what a death it was, and I’m slowly getting over it learning to cope and get on with my life. One day, I will have the pleasure and excitement to experience another baby, and until then, I will enjoy every aspect of my life for what I can.
Dearest Erica,
hi, I’m Lisa and I am from the Stand Up Girl website. Thank you for your beautiful letter!
I just wanted to tell you … wow! What a beautiful heart of a mommy that you have. And also, what a wonderful Stand Up Girl you are. Though you were scared … you stood for what was right and you braved what was ahead of you. Good job Erica. It sounds like you have a wonderful Stand Up Guy too! I truly hope that one day down the road, when you two are married and the time is just right … you will have that perfect little baby to complete your family. Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with us and your story. You have such a wonderful way with words and your story, I’m sure, will touch the hearts of many girls. Who knows … perhaps it could even save a baby’s life. Thank you again for sharing your story. Let me know what you think.
Take care.
Luv Lisa
