With every day that passed, I hoped to wake up and discover that I had started my period and that things would be alright for me. But every day that went by without it, I felt more and more terrified that maybe my initial thoughts about being pregnant were right. I was pretty scared and had just moved to a new school so I didn’t have any real friends to talk to about it. I just couldn’t let myself know that I was pregnant because I never thought it could happen to me.
Dear Becky — I’m new to this site and have found the testimonies and stories very heart warming, and have heard from some very amazing, strong young women here.
I’m 18 years old, and though I never gave birth to my baby, I still consider myself as having been a mommy. The chain of events that led to this story began around my birthday this past year, which happens to be around Christmas time.
The week before Christmas, I felt funny, especially since I missed my period, which never had happen to me before. I started thinking about possible explanations for this and finally settled upon the thought that maybe my eating patterns caused this delay with my period.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I held a very scary thought that maybe I could be pregnant. But I was in a deep denial being only 17 years old, and already had a lot to deal with, just having been kicked out of my guardian’s home and living with my grandma who previously had raised my sister and I from 9 months old until I was 14. With every day that passed, I hoped to wake up and discover that I had started my period and that things would be alright for me. But every day that went by without it, I felt more and more terrified that maybe my initial thoughts about being pregnant were right. I was pretty scared and had just moved to a new school so I didnt have any real friends to talk to about it. I just couldnt let myself know that I was pregnant because I never thought it could happen to me. I could never ever tell my grandma, who I consider my mom, and I would never let anyone lese in my family know because their worst fears of me following in the exact footsteps of my parents who had my sister and I young and still in high school. I knew they would all think of me as a reckless, careless, irresponsible lost and corrupted naive girl, so telling anyone in my family was not an option.
During this time I hadnt taken any pregnancy tests, so one might think I was worrying for nothing. But sometimes you just have these feelings, gut instincts and intuition, and I knew despite my denial, what the reality of the situation really was. After having suspicions for two weeks after my missed period, my boyfriend decided to take me to get an at home pregnancy
test, just to be sure that I wasnt. He’s 19 years old and recently graduated culinary school and maintains a stable job at a restaurant as a chef.
Naturally, being so young and fresh out of school, he had plans and hopes and dreams of a bright future for us, saving up money so that we could afford a place of our own together some day in the future. So this missed period really did give him a scare.
We knew how young we were and how difficult it would be, but his paranoia and nervousness in combination with mine led us to seek results as soon as possible. So after returning from the pharmacy I went to the bathroom, treading with heavy steps.
After taking the test and waiting for the results, I had this really nauseous feeling in my stomach, all the knots of anxiety and hope, fear and excitement. I held my breath as I looked at the test with the corner of my eye dreading this little device that would determine our future and change my whole life. Part of me didn’t want to even know what color the strip would turn, I was in such a state of denial and hope that things would be ok, but I knew that ultimately I had to look. In the few seconds before I looked at the test my heart was already confirming what I had felt weeks prior, deep inside, in the back of my mind. There were two pink lines. My mind immediately went in a frenzy. I felt dizzy and helpless, shocked and just completely surprised. I never would have imagined that something like this could happen to me.
I had to tell my boyfirend who was waiting patiently in his bedroom awaiting our future. I layed down next to him as his anticipating eyes met mine, and my heart was beating so fast and I felt so lightheaded that Im surprised I made it to his room without falling as I had felt so in shock that my legs might suddenly give out from right underneath me. I had thought right then what to say to him but when I opened my mouth my throat had locked and I felt this lump like when you try to hold in really heavy tears and sobs, and he just looked at me waiting for me to speak. I finally brought myself to say, “You’re gonna be a daddy,” surprised at even my own announcement.
After having known him for over 4 years and dated for 2, I felt immense trust and love towards him that I knew he would support me in any decision or route I chose to take. He smiled and hugged me, holding me tight, as we lay together just contemplating, getting used to the feelings, just trying to calm ourselves for this sudden great news.
He promised me that no matter what he would always be here for me and that we would keep our baby however difficult life would become. I wasnt as afraid before now that I was sure I had someone to lean on. We knew we couldnt do it alone so we told his parents and surprisingly they were very reassuring and supportive having been young parents themselves and been in our footsteps. We scheduled a doctors appointment the next day and confirmed the pregnancy. Scared but excited I continued to what I thought would be an average day happy that things seemed like they would be ok. As of that time I had moved in with my best friend so that I could finish my senior year at the same highschool I had been attending.
I was excited to start the new semester and what a dream rooming with my best firend. But that day I started bleeding, and got really scared at what that might indicate, my first thoughts were pessimistic, but my friend and I did research and convinced ourselves that it was normal. But I felt really wierd about it and we decided to see a doctor. I didnt have insurance at the time and no job so I couldn’t even see a real doctor to help me becasue I couldn’t afford the costs. So my two bestfriends and I went to a planned parenthood nearby hoping to get some answers and help.
After being admitted and having heard how nice and friendly people at these clinics were, I felt comfortable enough to fill out a sign in form. Minutes later an attendent informed me that I would not be able to talk to anyone there because I had chosen to keep my baby and they only wanted to see people if they chose abortion. I was apalled at how coldly I was treated and how unfriendly and shrewd that woman was so we left without having any other furhter business there. The mention of abortion made chills run up and down my spine.
Though I was brought up religiously, it had nothing to do with my beliefs about abortion. I just knew that I would and could never do that to my baby so abortion was definelty never even a thought or option for me at all.
After the bleeding last 4 days, I went to another doctor since I had money and they referred me to an ob/gyn specialist. I was scared at what they might tell me. Before going, my boyfirned and his parents had talked about the situation and had decided that it was a miscarriage. It made me mad how carelessly and quick they were to assume such a horrible thing, but in my mind I feared they were right.
Weeks passed and after having taken a blood test after being referred to another doctor again, I awaited results. I called the doctor and nervously awaited. Then she said that results indicated that I wasnt pregnant anymore, and I was at least glad at the moment that she spared me from using any crude terms to dexcribe it. I was really really sad about it that day but had kindve already cried it all out the week before when I convinced myself and prepared myself for the inevitable results. My friends tried to tell me that it happend for the best and that I just wasnt ready but I never really discussed with them how happy I was and excited for my baby, a baby conceived of the love my boyfirend and I shared. We had thought about whether it would be a boy or a girl and how our baby would look, everything about everything.
It was all a pretty heartbreaking experience, and then life went on with my boyfriend and firends and his parents no one talking about it acting like nothing ever happend, just saying how I shouldnt dwell on it, but eevry time I see someone with their baby or hear a baby cry or smile, it makes me sad to think of what ours would have been like. At only 8 1/2 weeks old already ended.
Even though my baby wasnt very old and still small, I considered our little joy already part of the family which is why it pained me so much. I used to blame myseld and wonder what I did wrong, cry out of nowhere sometimes, but Ive come a long way now and am glad to have shared this with all the other people who suffer as well.
It hurts me to consider what a death it was, and Im slowly getting over it learning to cope and get on with my life. One day I will have the pleasure and excitement to experience another baby, and until then I will enjoy every aspect of my life for what I can.
Dearest Erica,
hi, I’m Lisa and I am from the Stand Up Girl website. Thank you for your beautiful letter!
I just wanted to tell you … wow! What a beautiful heart of a mommy that you have. And also, what a wonderful Stand Up Girl you are. Though you were scared … you stood for what was right and you braved what was ahead of you.Good job Erica. It sounds like you have a wonderful Stand Up Guy too!I truly hope that one day down the road, when you two are married and the time is just right … you will have that perfect little baby to complete your family.Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with us and your story. You have such a wonderful way with words and your story, I’m sure, will touch the hearts of many girls. Who knows … perhaps it could even save a baby’s life.Thank you again for sharing your story.Let me know what you think.
Take care.
Luv Lisa
