I went back to school yesterday. First days are never fun, but definitely not when you’re 5 months pregnant. The whispers, the stares constantly.
I also had to stay back a year so I don’t have many friends in my year now, which makes me feel so isolated. Especially as my boyfriend lives an hour away. My friends in my old year are great but all I wanna do is go to the bathrooms and cry my eyes out.
I hope things get better soon.
Well first off, I live in Hawaii right now and have been for about a year now, although I wasn’t born here. I was born and raised in San Diego, California. When I was little, I was typically known as the red head.
I grew up in a small town within San Diego called Coronado. It was a small little rich community where everyone knew each other. I moved all over the place around the San Diego area, though I went to Coronado Elementary there where I attended till first grade. My mom is a teacher and had been working at a school called CCPAA [Children’s Creative and Performing Arts Academy of San Diego] and had been teaching there for a little over 2 years now. It was a small small small little private performing arts school. I went to that school in second grade. I had been dancing ever since I was 2 years old so I guess this school was a perfect match for me. There I got into drama and music and everything. My class was about a size of 15 kids. I had attended that school every single year till about 7th grade. I was dancing every single day there for 6 years as well as taking classes on the sides. I was doing plays and choir and even gymnastics, which I have been doing since I was 2 as well. My class was like my family. We were all so close. They are still my best friends.
You’re probably wondering about how I got to Hawaii. Kinda far off from California huh? Well my mom grew up with the islands. She’s loved them ever since I could remember. I actually lived in Maui for about 2 years when I was 2 years old to the time I about 4 years old and my mom lived in Oahu for 15 years when she was about in her 20’s. She thought about relocating to the islands from the time I was about in 5th grade even though we would visit every single year for spring break. My mom had been trying to get a teaching job at a specific school in Maui for about 3 years and the person who was expecting to drop out just never did. They kinda just left my mom kinda just wondering about what was happening. They let her know although she was disappointed, they had sent her resume to the all the Montessori schools [it’s just a different type of learning more about basic life]. She had got offered 4 job interviews from 4 of the best schools on the island over spring break in 7th grade. We had gone over to Maui but I had actually brought my best friend with me. This time, we were visiting our friend who had moved there. While we were staying with them, my mom for 2 days went over to the big island while we were on Maui and interviewed for all the schools. She had got offered all 4 jobs. We were so happy for her. We returned back to California after a nice long vacation. My mom needed to decide which school she was going to choose. She finally picked one and accepted it. I was at my friend’s house. When she picked me up from a sleepover and told me ‘I bought the plane tickets last night,’ my first initial reaction was shock. I couldn’t believe I didn’t actually realize till the the day I left everything I left behind. At first, I resented the idea of moving and I hated it; oh, I had also got accepted to this school called Parker. It was pretty expensive it was about $17000 per year.
July 20 was the day we left at 9 in the morning. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My two best friends had come to the airport to say goodbye and I couldn’t think of an even sadder moment than leaving your two best friends right then and there. I was off but first to Maui for my friend’s mom’s wedding. I was the ring bearer in that wedding. It was so great and we were there for about 5 days I think. Then off to the big island, we were. It was so weird I was actually there. I would be counting down the days till I moved and then it was actually there, staring at me blankly in the face. My uncle lived in Kona and we stayed with him for about a week till we got our house up in Waimea. I remember thinking how cool it was, thinking about how my life was going to be there. It was a really small cute country community and down in Kona is more the beachy tropical side. We moved into our little place and just a month later, school started.
My first day sucked. I didn’t know anyone. I was scared what people would think of me. Second day was good. I made friends. I am actually a really sociable person so it was good but I was in the loser group at first but at least I had friends. The more school progressed, the popular group got to know me and I was actually considered one of the most popular girls in the class, our class had only about 25 students, the whole school only about 350 students if not less. That school actually turned out to be crap. I was failing every single class. I had homework till about 2 o’clock in the morning. I was only in 8th grade and we were taking chemistry in science and taking 11th grade math and history. My mom decided to transfer me halfway through the school year to the public school actually just like a street and over down the way. I was really scared at first because I had never been to a big public school like that and was scared about all the local girls.
My first day was good. I had already known one of the people from there and hung out with her and a few of her friends. They weren’t really popular but on myspace, all the popular girls and guys started talking to me on there and getting to know me and realized how cool I really was. Next day, I was in the popular crew and there was about 190 students in my grade and I was one of the most popular girls in the class. It was great. I fell in love with that school but I was changing. I was getting more into the partying and drinking scene but I really liked it. When all my California friends heard about the stories, I would tell them about me making out with boys and freak dancing with boys and girls at dances and parties and drinking and stuff. They were really shocked. Some of even my best friends called me a slut behind there back but honestly, I don’t go around having sex with every single guy in the school and I’m still a virgin. Its just they don’t really realize that this is how most teenagers are in the ‘real world.’ They just don’t really know what its like because they are so separated from the world. They are in a class of 12 kids with no parties whatsoever, no really BIG social life.
I love the way I am now. It’s so much fun. I don’t really do anything I know I won’t regret because I don’t want to end up screwing up my life in any big way. I am still really close to all my California friends as we were from the very start. <333333
This is my first time writing here, and not too sure what I am trying to accomplish by doing so. Maybe just to be perfectly honest about everything, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, without everyone else (my family and boyfriend) judging or criticizing me.
I am so scared and confused, and my story is quite long, as most are. I am not too young, but really don’t feel a day older than when I had my first child. I was 20 when I had him, and he is about to turn 7. I had my second when I was 23; she’s now 4. So, I’m 27, was married, now divorced with two kids. I started school again, well, about to next week and am going for ultrasound tech.
I found out a few weeks ago I’m pregnant again. I met my boyfriend, or whatever he is, about a year ago, and although we are not always officially dating, we’ve consistently been together. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my head at one time. I don’t even know really where to begin. So much has been said and done that can not be taken away and everything is just burying me right now.
I guess to start, I should say a little about my past. I got pregnant with my son in college at 19. Everyone, including his father told me I absolutely had to have an abortion, and I mean everyone. I decided not to, and that was it. I was going to keep the baby regardless, and thank God I did. I swear he has been my saving grace. He is truly the love of my life. Maybe it is because I fought so hard for him, I don’t know.
Well, one day I woke up, thought it was going to be a normal day, until, I hear that everyone is going to a “going away” party for the father. I was quite confused. The next day, he left. Packed up all his stuff and moved. I knew nothing of it, he not only moved out of state but out of the country. I was horrified. I called his mom, thinking well she is a woman she will understand, and the only response from her was “why don’t you just get rid of it.” OK, never called her again. I went on to have my son. Thankfully, my mother was very helpful and has been ever since.
The father, my ex-husband, came around eventually. He contacted me and came to see my son and I after he was born. It was a rough road for the next year. He didn’t see my son again until he was a year and it was then he asked me to marry him. Things were actually going good for me. I was in nursing school and everything. I should never have married him, because in the end, I realized that I just could not find the forgiveness in my heart about what he did. But, in the same respect, I had my daughter while married to him, and he is now a wonderful father. I really could not ask for a better father to my kids.
So here I am again, at 27, going through a similar situation. My ex and I got divorced about three years ago. I have dated guys since, and actually got pregnant, but to my surprise once again, the guy I was dating I found out was married, and his wife was 8 months pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I did decide to terminate that pregnancy, which I do regret and don’t in a small way. I do because it was my child, and no matter what I would have loved that baby. At the time, I just could not deal with what was going on. I took the pills, low and behold, I got so sick. There were remains left inside me, and I still to this day feel so guilty about that decision. I ended up being hospitalized for a week, getting a D&C, and it was truly one of the worse and most horrific experiences of my life. I made a promise to myself and to God that never again would I ever do that, no matter what.
I’ve had heart problems since about the time my daughter was born. However, being only 27, they always thought it was either due to drug use or anxiety, which drugs were easily ruled out so they wrote it off as anxiety. They tried everything with no avail. Last May, I went to the ER when they finally took me seriously and was hospitalized for about a week due to abnormal ekg’s. It was then when I was diagnosed with a few heart conditions, one being very serious, thinning of the left ventricle of my heart, cardiomyopathy. They still to this day do not 100% know what’s going on with my heart, but now being that I am pregnant, are being very aggressive.
Now I am pregnant, which was a total accident and we were very careful, however, nothing is 100%. I am not mad I got pregnant, not sad or upset. I am frustrated with the circumstances surrounding it, but actually quite happy about the pregnancy itself. My Boyfriend and I have been through a whole lot together since we have been together. My father passed away shortly after he and I met. I was diagnosed with this heart condition and have been on and off very sick. We have dealt with numerous ups and downs in-between, and now I am pregnant. I don’t think he is mad I’m pregnant. He says he doesn’t want the baby now because his life isn’t together (which it is not, its a huge mess), but it did happen and he says he will be there. He doesn’t think I should have an abortion, I think mainly because of the risk involved with my heart condition. I can’t go to a random abortion clinic. I would have a 40% chance of dying and if I got an infection, an 80% chance of dying.
The past month has been rough though, and so foggy really when thinking back. I take the blame I guess for some of it, because, he is so lost right now with his life. We broke up for a bit and during that time, he went off, partied, got all messed up, and did a whole bunch of crap. We didn’t talk even for like two weeks, when he finally sent me a text along with numerous phone calls saying the least he could do was be there for me. Everything was going pretty well, then I am not sure what really happened, I think I began to put a little too much pressure on him about fixing his life, and that only he is to blame for the way his life is. I was hoping a little tough love would help, but I was wrong. We began arguing and I said I give up, I don’t know how to help you anymore. I said we should call his mom, maybe she could help him. Well, that was it, after that, he said it changed everything. His mom is awesome though and very, very supportive. So once again, we were fighting, he said he would be there, but didn’t want the baby, he’s not gonna try, and change is life, and blah blah blah. He says since I called his mom, it just changed everything. But the thing is I asked him, he said OK, and we called together. He was perfectly fine with me being pregnant before that. He was here with me all the time, rubbing my belly, talking about the baby and so on.
Anyway, he has sorta come around since and has gotten much better. I let his brother in on things cause he really does need help right now. He is so angry at himself and the way his life is. He is not working, not making good choices, and so on, I’ll write more about that whole story in a different blog.
I went to my high risk OB, and they dated me 5.5 weeks, but could be up to 7.5. That was a week ago so I am between 6 and 8 weeks now. I have another apt coming up, where they should be able to get more accurate measurements. That doc is in a different city as is my cardiologist who I saw as well. He did not go with me cuz I stayed with friends who do not like him.
Anyhow, when I got back I went into the hospital and just got out this past Wednesday. Yesterday was the first day we hung out and we’re cool in about a week. He’s really come around though and I think its because I have totally laid off any pressure on him. He sees how much this is all tearing me apart, not being pregnant but all the circumstances around it. When I was in the hospital, I told my mom and she went just crazy on me, saying unbelievable things. She says I absolutely have to have an abortion and blah blah blah, once again! That’s another blog too, lol.
Yesterday, we went to a pregnancy clinic, which really I did for him, hoping it would help. He keeps saying how it just isn’t real to him, yet. They did an ultrasound and we got to see the baby and the heartbeat. He got an ultrasound pic that says hi mommy and daddy and I was able to get some counseling and they were able to help him in a way he didn’t even know. he he. He was amazed by it all, and has been really sweet since.
I do believe he will be there. He, himself, besides the pregnancy, is going through a lot right now with his own personal battles. I guess what I’ve figured is all I can do is be supportive of him, allow him to feel whatever he wants, and let him know that’s OK. He still says a few things that i feel like just smacking him, but, lol, I know him and deep down, he has a wonderful heart and I do love him very much. And regardless of what happens between him and I, I most certainly will love this baby.
I have to say I am scared though. I have two children already and I know another, by myself will be hard. I am worried about finishing school, managing my kids, working, and everything like that. I do need his help, but have to be prepared just in case.
As far as my mom goes, well, she will just have to get over it. Neither of my children have done nothing but bring joy to her life, as will this one regardless of what she says now. But nonetheless, I have been so depressed, scared, and really feel all alone. There was just no getting through to my boyfriend for a while, and still things are shady.
Anyhow that’s my story. Long I know, but actually summed up, believe it or not. There is actually so much more to it which I will blog about, but thought a little detail about my past was imp as well. I will def get more into the now in others. I am glad I found this site, cuz I am scared out of my mind and feel so much pressure to not have the baby, but one thing I learned from my son, is that I will never let the haste of others determine my fate. If I did, he would not be here.
Ughhhh. My kids go with their dad tomorrow and my boyfriend went away with his mom and brother (perfect timing) so I will have some time to think, clear my mind, and just relax for a bit, with the phone off for sure.
Anyhow, this actually made me feel a bit better writing all this down, and I have so many thoughts going through my head and have so much more to say, but the little one has made me quite tired lately…….
Thanks.
I am at week 35. I am starting to get scared.
All of these thoughts are going through my head. How am I going to be able to handle the labor? What will I have to deal with when we come home from the hospital? Will I be able to handle the stress of a child and school? I am so overwhelmed with these thoughts that it is starting to stress me out. I am always tired and just want to feel comfortable again.
This week, my tummy has almost doubled in size and I just want my baby out and my figure back.
Hey Everyone, (more…)
I’m confused and I need help.
I’m 1 week & 3 days late for my period. I’ve took two pregnancy tests and they both came back negative, but my stomach is so hard and I’ve definitely had symptoms of pregnancy.
Can I still be pregnant?
