This is my first time writing here, and not too sure what I am tryng to accomplish by doing so, maybe just to be perfectly honest about everything, my thoughts, fellings, emotions, without everyone else (my family and bf) judging or critisizing me. 

I am so scared and confused, and my story quite long, as most are.  I  am not too young, but really dont feel a day older than when I had my first child.  I was 20 when I had him and he is about to turn 7.  I had my sencond when I was 23, shes now 4.  So, I'm 27, was married now divorced with two kids.  I started school again, well, about to next week and going for ultrasound tech. 

I found out a few weeks ago I'm pregnant again.  I met my boyrfriend, or whatever he is about a year ago, and although we are not always officially dating, we've consistantly been together. 

I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my head at one time I dont even know really where to begin.  So much has been said and done that can not be taken away and everthing is just burrying me right now. 

I guess to start I should say a little about my past.  I got pregnant with my son in college at 19.  Everyone, including his father told me I absolutely had to have an abortion, and I mean everyone.  I decided not to, and that was it, I was going to keep the baby regardless, and thank God I did.  I swear he has been my saving grace.  He is truly the love of my life.  Maybe it is because I fought so hard for him, I dont know.  Well, one day I woke up, thought it was going to be a normal day, until, I hear that everyone is going to a "going away" party for the father.  I was quite confused.  The next day he left.  Packed up all his stuff and moved, i knew nothing of it, he not only moved out of state but out of the country.  I was horrified.  I called his mom, thinking well she is a woman she will understand, and the only responce from her was "why dont you just get rid of it", ok, never called her again.  I went on to have my son, thankfully my mother was very helpful and has been ever since.  The father, my ex husband, came around eventually, he contacted me and came to see my son and I after he was born.  It was a rough road for the next  year, he didnt see my son again until he was a year  and it was then he asked me to marry him.  Things were actually goiing good for me, I was in nursing school and everything.  I should never have married him, because in the end I realized that I just could not find the forgiveness in my heart about what he did. But, in the same respect I had my daughter while married to him, and he is now a wonderful father, I really could not ask for a better father to my kids.

So here I am again, at 27 going through a similar situation.  My ex and I got divorced about three years ago.   I have dated guys since, and actually got pregnant, but to my suprise once again, the guy i was dating I found out was married, and his wife was 8 months pregnant.  I couldnt believe it.  I did decide to terminate that pregnancy, which I do regret and don't in a  small way.  I do because it was my child, and no matter wat I would have loved that baby.  At the time, I just  could not deal with what was going on.  I took the pills, low and behold, I got so sick.  There were remains left inside me, and I still to this day feel so guilty about that decision.  I ended up being hospitalized for a week, getting a d&c, and it was truly one of the worse  and most horrific experiences of my life, I made a promise to myself and to God that never again would I ever do that, no matter what.

Ive had heart problems since about the time my daughter was born, however, being only 27 they always thought it was either due to drug use or anxiety, which drugs were easily ruled out so they wrote it off as anxiety.  they tried everything with no avail, last May I went to the ER when they finaly took me seriously and was hospitalized for about a week due to abnormal ekg's, it was then when I was diagnosed with a few heart conditions, one being very serious, thinning of the left ventricle of my heart, cardiomyopothy.  They still to this day do not 100% know whats going on with my heart, but now being I am pregant are being very aggresive. 

Now that I am pregnant, which was a total accident and we were very carefull, however, nothing is 100%.  I am not mad I got pregnant, not sad or upset, I am fustrated with the circumstances surrounding it, but actually quite happy about the pregnancy itself.  My Bf and I have been through a whole lot together since we have been together, my father passed away shortly after he and I met, I was diagnosed with this heart condition and have been on and off very sick, we have dealt with numerous ups and downs inbetween, and now I am pregnant.  I dont think he is mad Im pregnant.  He says he doesnt want the baby now because his life isnt together (which it is not, its a huge mess) , but it did happen and he says he will be there.  He doesnt think I should have an abortion, I think mainly because of the risk involved with my heart condition.  I cant go to a random abortion clinic, I would have a 40% chance of dying and if I got an infection an 80% chance of dying. 

The past month has been rough though, and so foggy really when thinking back.  I take the blame I guess for some of it, because, he is so lost right now with his life.  We broke up for a bit and during that time he went off, partied, got all messed up and did a whole bunch of crap.  We didnt talk even for like two weeks, when he finally sent me a text along with numerous phone calls saying the least he could do was be there for me.  Everything was going pretty well, then I am not sure what really happened, I think I began to put a little too much pressure on him about fixing his life, and that only he is to blame for the way his life is.I was hoping a little tough love would help, but I was wrong.  we began arguing and I said I give up, I dont know how to help you anymore, I said we should call his mom, maybe she could help him.  Well, that was it, after that he said it changed everything.  His mom is awesome though and very very supportive.  So once again, we were fighting, he said he would be there, but didnt want the baby, he's not gonna try and change is life and blah blah blah.  He says since I called his mom, it just changed everything. But the thing is I asked him, he said ok, and we called together.    He was perfectly fine with me being pregnant before that, he was here with me all the time, rubbing my belly, talking about the baby and so on. 

Anyway, he has sorta come around since and has gotten much better.  I let his brother in on things cause he really does need help right now.  He is so angry at himself and the way his life is.  He is not working, not making good choices, and so on, ill write more about that whole story in a different blog. 

  I went to my high risk ob, and they dated me 5.5 weeks, but could be up to 7.5.  that was a week ago so I am between 6 and 8 weeks now.  I have another apt coming up, where they should be able to get more accurate measurements.   That doc is in a different city as is my cardiologist who I saw as well.  He did not go with me cuz I stayed with friends who do not like him. 

Anyhow, when I got back I went into the hospital and just got out this past wed.  yesterday was the first day we hung out and were cool in about a week.  He's really come around though and I think its because I have totally laid off any pressure on him.  He sees how much this is all tearing me apart, not being pregnant but all the circumstances arouund it.  When I was in the hospital I told my mom and she went just crazy on me, saying unbelievable things.  She says I absolutely have to have an abortion and blah blah blah, once again!  Thats another blog too, lol. 

 Yesterday we went to a pregnancy clinic,  which really I did for him, hopingit would help.  He keeps saying how it just isnt real to him, yet, they did an ultrasound and we got to see the baby and the heartbeat.  He got an ultrasound pic that says hi mommy and daddy and I was able to get some counseling and they were able to help him in a way he didnt even know. he he. 
he was amazed by it all, and has been really sweet since.  I do belive he will be there.  He, himself, besides the pregnancy is going through a lot right now with his own personal battles.  I guess what Ive figured is all I can do is be supportive of him, allow him to feel whatever he wants, and let him know thats ok.  He still says a few things that i feel like just smacking him, but, lol, i know him and deep down he has a wonderful heart and I do love him very much, and regardless of what happends between him and I, I most certainly will love this baby.

I have to say I am scared though, I have two children already and I know another, by myself will be hard, I am worried about finishing school, managing my kids, working and everything likde that.  I do need his help, but have to be prepared just incase. 

As far as my mom goes, well, she will just have to get over it.  Neither of my children have done nothing but bring joy to her life, as will this one regardless of what she says now.  But none the less I have been so depressed, scared and really feel  all alone.  There was just no getting through to my bf for a while, and still things are shady. 

Anyhow thats my story, long i know, but actually summed up believe it or not. There is actually so muchmore to it which I will blog about, but thought a little detail about my past was imp as well.  I will def get more into the now in others.   I am glad I found this site, cuz I am scared out of my mind and feel so much pressure to not have the baby, but one thing I learned from my son, is that I will never let the haste of others determine my fate, if I did, he would not be here. 

Ughhhh. My kids go with their dad tomorrw and my bf went away with his mom and brother (perfect timing) so I will have some time to think, clear my mind, and just relax for a bit, with the phone off for sure. 

Anyhow, this actually made me feel a buit better writing all this down, and I have so many thoughts going through my head and have so much more to say, but the little one has made me quite tired lately…….

Thanks,

Melissa