God knows I don’t know what to do anymore. As soon as everything starts going right, I have to mess it up and set myself back months. I was coping really well and getting past the depression, but I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t play pretend and go back to living everyday, going through the motions. I keep torturing myself, wanting a baby with such ferocity that I want to kill myself everytime I see a negative pregnancy test.
I can’t keep living like this, with the shadows of my dead children looming over my life. I have so much hate and anger inside that I punish myself and torture myself with their memories. I go through every day, hoping and praying and wishing and dreaming to be pregnant again… I live with myself so deep into the fantasy, that I don’t want to come back to reality. Every morning when I wake up, I look beside me, to where my daughters had lain only a few minutes ago in my dreams.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m screwing up my relationship because of my inability to cope with the past. A baby has become a determining factor in our relationship and I’m disgusted by the fact that it’s not about having a baby with him anymore…. It’s about any baby that will fill the void.
I don’t know what to do or who to turn to anymore. I feel so isolated, lost and alone in all of this. The only thing that gets me through the day is alcohol and prescription medication, I can’t seem to function when I’m sober anymore. I just wanna take a handful of diazepam and make the pain go away. I don’t want to feel anymore. No more hurt and pain and heartache and sorrow…
I want to die.
I want to die and be with my angels in heaven, where I can love them and take care of them and be the mother I should’ve been. God, I hate myself so much for being so pathetically weak.
Hey Everyone!
Me and my soon to be husband have been trying for a baby since my 17th birthday in December and nothing has happened yet. Well this time, I really think I am but I don’t want to get my hopes up just to watch them fall again….. Well, I started to have this butterfly feeling in my lower abdomen and I can’t explain it. Then here lately, my breasts have been really tender and sore…. I have also been getting sick to my tummy in the mornings and in the night before I go to bed…. I should have my period on the 17th so I’m waiting and wanting but if any of you could tell me if I had something to get my hopes up about it would be nice, thank you all.
Getting pregnant for us is not easy!
Soon, I’ll get my diploma and face the real world. Can’t believe that soon I’ll be a mother. My boyfriend and I decided to keep our baby. He told me that he will never run away and he will be glad to face the consequences because I’m the mother of his child. Actually, like what I’ve said, he trapped me. He knows that the moment that I graduated from our school, our communication will be less and he’s afraid of losing me so he got me pregnant. Let’s just say that it’s his assurance of having me in his life…
Somehow I’m glad because he will not run. Actually, he’s a varsity of track and field, he’s really a runner.. hahaha… He’s a little bit popular in our school and there’re many rumors about him. My friends told me that he’s a two-timer and a cheater… Sometimes, I have a hard time sleeping thinking of us, on what will happen to our baby and if he’ll be loyal to me…
Its like I’m also scared of losing him or the thoughts of cheating always makes me wonder. We have several fights about some girls in our school. Its like I always suspect him of cheating without that hard proof but then deep inside, there’s a premonition that tells me that he soon he’ll cheat or he’s cheating on me but then I have no hard proof..
Please give me advice, am I just jealous because I’m pregnant? Or I’m just insecure?
Anyway, my parents still didn’t know that I’m pregnant but then they knew my boyfriend… I don’t know how to tell it to my mom. Sometimes, I’m thinking of Abortion but knowing that it is a crime, I know I can’t do it…
I have told only a handful of people about my experience, but I want to post it here so that I can help even just one person who is struggling with the decision.
;Him’. At the time, I thought he was wonderful, charming, sweet, everything I was looking for.
So I had a child when I was 17 and she is now 7 months old and I’m 18 but something has happened, I am prego again.
My fiancé is so amazing but can I really handle it all? I am so overwhelmed and scared. How do you know if it is the right thing to do? How will you ever know if you’re doing the right thing?! I wanna be an amazing mom, I want to be there all the time, but I am losing confidence due to being so nervous.
Advice on if I should have the baby or just a good word helps!
If I could only see your face baby, I would rest a while.
If I could only see your gummy toothless smile.
If I could only hold you while your tears fall,
and you wail with a deafening call.
If I could only be your mother one more time.
If I could only wipe your face when you have face paint made of food.
If I could only teach you how to tell the bad from the good.
If I could only hold you high and call you my special little child.
If I could only hold those little hands a while.
If I could only be your mother one more time.
You left before we had a life together,
you left before we had met one another.
I would give my everything and anything I could possibly do,
I would find everything I had and give it straight to you,
if I could only be your mother one more time.
