Neither of my parents know, and I very much doubt they ever will. They are separated, and I split my time equally between them. I can talk to my Mum a little easier that I can talk to my Dad, but still I could never bring myself to tell even my Mum. To be honest I don’t want them to ever know.

Dear Becky,

My name is Rachael, and I live in England. I hope no-one minds me writing on this site. I haven’t visited the site for a while, but I’ve just re-read everything and decided I’m going to tell everyone about me. I’m 16 years old, and the last time I visited this site was a couple of months ago. I was approximately 2 months pregnant at the time. I got talking to Kirsten (who has also posted her story on this site), and she has been a great help to me. But despite everything, I had an abortion. And I’ve now come to the conclusion that it was the worst decision I’ve made in my life.

I had split up with Neil, the father which made it more difficult. We hadn’t been split long, so I was actually pregnant while we were still together, but I didn’t find out until we’d split up. When I found out, Neil was on holiday, but luckily we’d remained friends so it wasn’t too much trouble telling him when he got back. Although actually telling him – making the actual words come out of my mouth – was so hard.

Neither of my parents know, and I very much doubt they ever will. They are separated, and I split my time equally between them. I can talk to my Mum a little easier that I can talk to my Dad, but still I could never bring myself to tell even my Mum. To be honest I don’t want them to ever know.

Even now, not all of my friends know. The stress of it all made me so snappy and moody that I don’t think I’ve got many friends left.

Neil and I constantly talked about it, and I knew all along, before he even told me, that he wanted me to have an abortion. His exact words were “the quicker you get it done, the quicker it’s all over with and you can forget all about it.” Easy for him to say – that’s exactly what he has done! It’s amazing how much I can hate him for saying that and for feeling like that, and yet still care for him and miss him so much. We did stay friends, and in the few weeks before my abortion, he was so supportive – giving me hugs when I was down, listening to me, etc.

I went for the abortion on my own, as I didn’t want any friends with me, and Neil was in a different city with his family – I understood that he couldn’t possibly get out of it.  Since all that, things between Neil and I have gone from bad to worse. There are such mixed feelings.

The day after my abortion, I was sitting at home alone, quite late at night, and started having a conversation with Neil through text messages on my mobile phone. And then he said he was sorry if he sounded nasty, but he didnt want to see me for a while. He broke my heart – again! At the time, I was babysitting for two young children (which didn’t help much!), and in the end, after checking that they were ok and still sleeping, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. After that, he apologised and was a little more supportive, but things are still bad. Now when I get upset about it, he sighs as if to say “Oh not again”, and gives me the feeling that I’m nothing more than a nuisance to him, as if to say “I’ll still be your friend, but only if you’re happy all the time, and forget about all this.” I really can’t do that!

Everything has just all come at once. Sometimes I feel like everything would be better if i wasnt here any more. I don’t know what to think any more. All I know is I miss Neil so much, no matter how he has acted, and I miss the baby that could have been ours… I will never forget what I have done, and will never forgive myself, or any of the friends and people who encouraged me to have an abortion, as long as I live.

I’m sorry this is so long, and I’m sorry this doesn’t have a happy ending, but if anyone would like to get in touch, I would love to hear from anyone who wants to contact me.

Love Rachael

Rachael

Dear Rachael,

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this painful part of your life with us. It isn’t easy to talk about these things that hurt so much, but it is good, because it can help in the healing process. You can also help other
girls who find themselves in the same situation that you were. You can help them see the reality of what abortion is. It is not the simple solution that so many try to sell it as.

You will never forget what you have done, but you need to forgive yourself. It will take time. Be patient with yourself. You need to grieve the loss of your child. Allow yourself to do that, but also allow yourself to feel the
unconditional love of God. He knows your sorrow, and He forgives you. You need to really believe that in your heart.

You will be in my prayers.

Luv,

Becky | dearbecky@standupgirl.com