The gynecologist wasn’t in that day, so his wife attended to me. She asked me a couple of questions, and then asked me to lie down on the bed. On pressing my stomach, she frowned a little and said, “You could be pregnant”. Yet until that very point, I still could not bring myself to face the truth and so I replied, “I had been doing sit-ups all these time, could it be the reason why my stomach is so hard now?” She nodded and answered, “It could be” and proceeded to squeeze some gel onto my stomach.

Then, the prediction came. She moved the ultrasound scanner over my stomach and then she said,…

Dear Becky —

On November 8th 2006, I went to the doctor to get my infection checked. It was itching really badly, and I thought maybe that was the reason why I had missed my period for the past seven months. I stepped into the clinic that morning, and was greeted warmly by the nurse, who took down my particulars and then, I was ushered in to see the doctor.

The gynecologist wasn’t in that day, so his wife attended to me. She asked me a couple of questions, and then asked me to lie down on the bed. On pressing my stomach, she frowned a little and said, “You could be pregnant”. Yet until that very point, I still could not bring myself to face the truth and so I replied, “I had been doing sit-ups all these time, could it be the reason why my stomach is so hard now?” She nodded and answered, “It could be” and proceeded to squeeze some gel onto my stomach.

Then, the prediction came. She moved the ultrasound scanner over my stomach and then she said, “There, the baby.”

I was in shock. I couldn’t even cry. Instead, I was trembling all over.

She took some measurements and asked me if I wanted a copy of the ultrasound scan.  I couldn’t even open my mouth to say ‘yes’, so, I nodded as a reply. She handed me the duplicate copy and sat me down, and asked me what I was going to do.

All I remember saying was I didn’t know… She understood, and proceeded to tell me that I needed a blood test since this had been my first check up. Since the gynaecologist was overseas, the doctor asked me if I could come in for a check up next week. I told her I had to reconfirm again since I had school. Then, she asked me again whether I was going to let my parents know. I shook my head and told her that they couldn’t know about this. She understood and told me she will let the nurse talk to me.

The nurse told me I had two choices – either keep the baby or give the

baby up for adoption. I was in a daze. Then, she gave me some pre-natal vitamins and a cream to apply for my infection.

The check up was over…

I walked home, lost. A few minutes later, I called my boyfriend and broke the news.  He went quiet for about a second, then he said, “Don’t worry, everything will turn out fine. I will be here for you, ok?”

That was when my tears fell. I was lucky enough to have him standing by me, supporting me. At that moment, I realize I had chosen the right guy.

I hadn’t had any pregnancy symptoms at all since I’d missed my period -except that time I spotted twice (but the spotting did not occur anywhere near my period) and I felt very tired for a couple of weeks in June (That was during the first trimester).

Other than that, I led my life as a normal girl. I was small for my size, so my stomach wasn’t very visible. I began to realize why I didn’t want to get myself tested. I didn’t want to abort the fetus in case I discovered I was really pregnant.  Now that I was seven months along, abortion was naturally, out of the question.

This baby was a gift from god…

On the 18th of November, I went back to the clinic for my appointment. The nurse asked me what my choice was going to be. I told her I don’t have any other except to give the child up for adoption. She then called the lady from the adoption agency down to the clinic while I went in to do my check up. The gynecologist introduced himself to me and proceeded to do my blood test and another ultrasound scan. When I went out, the lady (let’s call her Alice) had arrived. She talked to me for a while and proceeded to tell me that everything regarding my pregnancy will be paid for and etc.

I couldn’t keep the baby. I was only 18, still schooling and not warning an income.

If only I was older…The nurse asked me to go for a more detailed scan at the hospital. I agreed. Alice then said she will bring me along to do the scan and asked me to confirm the time with her again.On the 24th of November, I went to the hospital. The scan took about

half-an-hour, and at the end of it, the radiologist doing the scan for me told me that the fetal heartbeat was very strong. I was relieved. The details of the scan were made known to me the following week – I was already 32 weeks along. Everything was normal with the baby, except that the gender was still unknown. The only thing was the baby weigh merely 1.7 kg. The nurse then told me over the phone to consume more ice-cream and chocolates, to at least get the weight up to 2.0kg. So I began eating desserts like I had never before. All I want for the baby now was for it to be healthy. After all, it was the only thing I could give to the baby…

I started using the Doppler on the 10th of December. The baby’s heartbeat stayed above 130, and I was not showing any signs of contractions, which was good. Then, I ask for the re-prescription of an anti-inflammatory cream. That was when my gynecologist realized I couldn’t give birth vaginally and had to do a C-Section.  This was because my varicose veins were really bad. If I give birth naturally, I

will bleed heavily.

I was scared. I knew it was going to hurt. My boyfriend then comforted me and told me that it won’t be as bad as it seemed.

My next appointment was on the 24th of December. I was already 36 weeks along. The heartbeat of the baby remained strong. My gynaecologist proceeded to check the weight of my baby, which turned out to be 2.3 kg. He smiled at me and said “There, your baby is healthy.” I was so relieved. Everything went well. My parents didn’t know a thing. However, my boyfriend’s mom suspected since my stomach could be seen from some angle. We got through her by telling her I had a bad case of gastric.

I was scheduled for my C-Section on 1st of January 2007. The nurse told me I will never forget this day. She was right. Before giving birth, I thought maybe getting over this situation would be the best thing. But now, I have different thoughts about it. My baby girl was born on an early 1st January 2007 morning. She was

healthy and weight 2.35 kg. When I set my eyes upon her, I fell in love with her immediately.  She slept often, and seldom cried. Her hands and feet were so beautiful.  When I carried her, she stirred in my arms and opened her eyes for a little moment, and then closed it again. I kissed her on her forehead and she stirred. I thought I saw her smiled at me.

I spend three days (I was discharged on the third day) in the hospital,

Recovering quicker than other cesarean patients. My stomach had return to its normal post-delivery size, and I could already walk normally.

On the day of my discharge, we went with Alice to register her birth. I

parted from my baby at about 4 pm.

Now, whenever I look at the pictures I had taken of my darling, my tears just flow uncontrollably. If only I was older… I could have kept her. I could never celebrate her first month on this world with her; I could never celebrate her birthday with her. If only…

But darling, just know that mommy will always love you, and be with you in your heart. I didn’t want to let you go, except I didn’t have a choice…

I will love you always, no matter where you are…

Autumn

Dearest precious Autumn 

Tears are rolling down my face right now as I read your e-mail and so wish that we could be sitting looking at each other over a hot cup of coffee or cocoa!

Autumn – you chose a choice that though, painful right now, it has a taste of distant sweetness.  Your precious little baby lives today and is in the loving arms of 2 very happy, loving people.  You are a Stand Up Girl that I will never forget.

You see Autumn, I had to even take a step back before finishing this e-mail because as my lonely tears flow … I wish that my tears of loneliness could be shared with you and like yours because I wish I had

chosen live and adoption like you did.  Only my tears of loneliness will echo with a painful choice I made with no answer in site.  Though your tears are tears of pain, there is hope and love for your daughter Autumn!

You chose a very difficult choice – BUT – you chose so right!  You chose a most loving and sweet option that, though painful, it was so good and so right.

There may even come a day that you will be able to hold your daughter and I just know that she will thank you ever so much for loving her so much that you gave her life.

I really believe that so many girls will be touched by your loving story!

Thank you so much for your e-mail.

Luv Lisa