I had been in a relationship for 5 months when I fell pregnant at 17.

It was a shock, but I had decided that I was keeping the baby. I was about 5 weeks along and experiencing morning sickness food cravings, etc. Then at 8 weeks, I got horrible pains in my stomach. I was having a miscarriage. My world kinda fell apart at that moment. I spiraled down into a world of depression. Couldn’t eat, never wanted to get out of bed, and couldn’t work. I felt like it was my fault that this baby never survived. Felt like I had caused it. A few months went by and I slowly went back to normal, still thinking about it every now and then, but getting my life on track. My boyfriend at the time was working away. When he got back, we had a celebration and everyone was a little drunk. That night, I fell pregnant.

I found out in early December. my partner wasn’t ready for this and made it very obvious. he was still a kid at heart and didn’t want the responsibility of a child. I was confused on what to do. I loved my boyfriend and wanted to be with him, but I felt he would never accept this. Stupid young love put me in the worst decision of my life. He made it clear what he wanted. I remember the night before crying myself to sleep telling him I wanted this baby, but he put doubts in my head that i would be an unfit mother from my depression. That I could cope raising a baby. I went through with it and now I think about it everyday. Guilt, sadness, loss. I still remember sitting in the white room with the clock ticking and ticking. Knowing in myself this was the wrong decision.

It has been one year and 7 months since it happened. I’m not with the boyfriend anymore, but I still struggle most days, knowing in myself that it was never the right decision or right thing to do. I hoped that when I do fall pregnant again that my baby will forgive me and come back to me.