i dont know how many of you will read this but its nice to get it off my chest. My name is Satava, and my story goes a little like this.
It started 15 years ago on February 22, 1994. that was the day my twin sister and i were born. we were born into a family of five, our mother being 17 and my father at age 19. we had a brother named Robert age 3 and a brother David and Sister Brittany age 2.

Cherrell is my twins name. we lived in a small house on first street and my parents worked minum wage jobs trying to proved for 5 children. when my sister and i turned 7 my mother fell pregnant and it was time to move we moved to a new house a big one at that it was nice. my little brother Aaren was born just a few months later. My parents worked like crazy and my brothers and sisters and i were in school doing our best. it was a week before our 12th birthday our parents told us terrible news after being together for 14 years and married for 8 years they were getting a divorse the worst part about it was that we all knew it was coming. our father moved out in October. i resented my mother for doing such a thing to us and sending our father away i thought everything was her fault so i made her life hell my brothers and sisters did the same. things got better and we soon understood that it wasnt all our moms fault. but she began to piss me off again. i was starting high school and i had always been a goody good out of all the kids. when my brothers and sisters smoked or drank i would never do any of it when they would go to parties i was the desginative driver by the age of 11 i was driving my drunk siblings and their friends every where having a fake id and dressing up to look 16 i passed it off when i was stoped the 6 times in the three years i still dont know how. well by 14 i got tired of driving them around and being the only sobar one even my twin sister had been doing it for a little less then a year. i was ready to rebel against my mother when she introduced us to her first boyfriend. Grayson he was a year younger then she was he played baseball and he tried to act tough but he wasnt and we all knew that he didnt scare us one bit he tried to act like our father which made us even mader. My brothers and sister now had their licence and their own cars. so it was easier to go to parties. we would never tell my mother we would wait till she fell asleep and then sneak out. Grayson caught us one day sneaking out he let us go but when we came home at our normal time(5am)he was sitting in the living room waiting for us. we were all pretty drunk including me this time i walked right up to him slapped him across the face and managed to get out “your not my father so stop tring to be and leave us alone” but it more sounded like jibberish he looked at each us one at a time we were standing in the door way trying to act sobar but our drunk smiles gave us away. he looked at me the longest and the last he said “im sorry you feel that ways.good night Satava” and walked into his room shut the door and that was it we all started to laugh as we walked into our rooms. then next morning i had a terrible headach they told me it was a hangover it sucked! i didnt seen Grayson all day. the day after that was Sunday  we all got ready for church and left Grayson said he wasnt feeling good so he didnt go with. when we got home Grayson was not their and neither were any of his stuff their was a note on my mothers bed. she started to cry i read the note he wrote to her it was long to shorten it up he said he was leaving her and he was sorry he didnt belong in a place he wasnt welcomed. i felt bad because i knew it was all my fault. i walked into my room and their was a flower on my bed with a note underneath it. the flower was my favorit they are very hard to fine it was yellow at the base and went orange and red at the tip it was called a fire-rose and it was beautiful the note was addressed to me i opened it and inside it read. “i’m sorry i made you feel so invaded i didnt mean to do that, i know its hard to see your mother with other people but all she wants to do is be happy and provide for you and your siblings. Maybe one day you will let her be happy.” Love Grayson.
i closed the note and cried i cried myself to sleep that night. i woke up the next morning with a new perspective but it disappered soon after that night and the rest of the week to follow came along with all of the parties and i was up to them all with my siblings. i came home night after night drunk or high. school was to start in just a week and our all week parties were to end and we would be down to just the weekends. a month into school i began to get worse finding the right crowed of boys and girls to get me into parties to get my dicounts on drugs. at one of the parties i saw a boy that i had not seen in a very long time he was my brothers best friend we had none him since the day we moved into our house so long ago but he moved aways a year ago. him and i began to talk drink and smoke more and more we were soon pretty gone i invited him over so he came home with us that night. he slept in my bed with me and that night he took my virginity. we talked and we flirted for the next two weeks we went to a party two weeks after him and i had sex. i had taken a little to many pills and i over dosed he rushed me to the hospital. my siblings were sitting in the waiting room, he wasa by my bedside as i laid their unconcince it was 3am on a Saturday night. they called my mother she rushed to the hospital when she got there she saw me brothers and sisters sitting in the waiting room sleeping. the doctor met her their and took her back she saw chris asleep at my side and she cried. i was in the hosptial for two weeks and he never left myside not once not even to go to school. i was about to leave the hospital doctor told me i could check out. i was getting my stuff together and the doctor came into the room she sat me down and told me something i could not even believe. she told me that i was 4 weeks pregnant. she asked me if i knew who the father was and if i wanted to get an abortion i said yes he is the man who sat by me day and night for 2 weeks and no i do not want to kill my child she said okay and we went our own ways. as i walked to meet Chris i told him what the doctor told me. he huged me and told me not to worry. that he loved me and he was going to be their for me. we were a couple at that moment. i explained the news three weeks later to my family. my mother cried and cried. my brothers and sisters were excited. i went for my first doctors apponitment at 8 weeks along the doctor told me the baby was looking good but then he added and oh and so is your other one. i looked at him like he was crazy he then told me i was to have twins i cried. i went home and told my family my mother told me to get an abortion i refused! she got mad but we worked it out over the next few months things got better Chris permently moved in we fond out we were having identical twin girls. Makana Eveyln and Dahlia Jewel. we started to get their nursary together. i went in at my 26th week check up and the doctor told me that one of my little ones had deid and the other wasnt looking to good either he gave me a shot and soon their were no heartbeats at all. i gave brith to my daughters just 4 days before my 15th brithday. we were all devistated. Chris still lived with us and we were still together. he wanted a baby now more then anything now so two months later we tried again and by June i was pregnant. things went fine just as they did before it was only one this time and another girl but agian i lost her at 23 weeks Chris and i got into an argument we broke up. he moved out. we havent talked since then.my brother is having twins due in february to think they would have just been a few weeks older then my daughter.i cry sometimes thinking about how alone i am and how i have lost three daughters in a matter of a year how i lost my best friend and alot of other friends at that. i am 15 years old with a 19 year old brother, 17 year old brother, 17 year old sister,a twin sister, and a 8 year old brother. i think about the words Grayson said to me and look at my mother all alone but she doesnt mind all that matters is that her children are happy and i can see that in her eyes it kills me when one of us is mean to her because shes trying her best and i think about how badly i wanted to have my daughters and to see them grow up and take care of them. but things happen for a reason it just wasnt my time to have a child yet maybe one day. i will but until then ill teach my neice and nephew to be wonderful respectible children and love them like my own. thanks for reading my story.
-Satava