How well do we ever know the one we love? I always thought that I was enough for my husband, but I found out the hard way that I am not. In all due fairness, I haven’t found any proof that he is cheating on me physically, but rather emotionally and electronically. He gets off on looking at other women naked and playing with themselves. I have no idea what to do. I went through the computer at home and found that he had downloaded porn pictures onto our personal computer. I have hidden them in a different folder, but he is more intelligent than me when it comes to computers so I know he will find them.

Just yesterday, I went on to the history of our internet and found that he had been going on all these different chat rooms or actual sex sites. The three that I found the most of are cam4.com, jasminlive.com, and ladies.com. The other one that I saw, but not a lot of is Bianca something. Then to make matters worse, russianbrides.com and localsluts.com keep sending my husband e-mails. The one thing that makes this all even worse is that we haven’t even been married for a year yet. We have a son and another baby on the way.

I don’t know what to make of all of this. I feel so unloved. It feels as though my husband is not attracted to me and the only way that he can stand to have sex with me is to picture one of those sex.com women and think that he is having sex with them instead of me. I can’t even talk to him about it as he has this way of making it feel like it is all my fault. I picked up weight after having my son.

I don’t know how to lose the weight after a C-section. I have tried. It seems to be so much harder. I feel like such a fat pig after every meal that I have. On top of it, if I don’t eat, I get into trouble with my husband. Yes, I know I need to eat for the sake of the baby. But why do I need to eat after?  I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. So I always think if I can’t stand to look at myself anymore, then why should I blame him for the same reason? He can’t stand to look at me anymore.

After I have this baby, is it wrong to say that I will lose the weight right way or wrong in 3 months? I don’t care whether I kill myself in the process anymore.  I just want my husband to look at me the way that he did before I started to show with my son. I miss the way that he used to touch me and the way he would hold me. He used to be so different before I picked up all this weight. He used to like to hold my hand in public, and kiss me more than just twice a day. Hell, we used to make love 3 to 4 times a week. Now I am lucky if we have sex once every 2 weeks. I feel so emotional all the time and don’t know how to get over it.

He always talks about other women and how he should get a lover to do things with him. Or how big our store room is and that he will turn it into a nice place and we can keep other women there. He will test all of them out once a week. In this, he is talking about the Russian brides. I mean have you seen those women? They are gorgeous.

I need help and have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. Everyone in this town knows how to stab a person in the back. I don’t have friends and I can’t talk to my husband about my feelings. He tends to get cross with me. I tried to talk to him once when I found him masturbating in the shower. To what I don’t know all he said to me was that it’s something every guy does and then told me that if I told anyone, then there would be hell to pay. At this time, we were only married for 2 months and had been together for a year and 5 months.

I hate myself everyday that I go through this. I just need someone to talk to someone that won’t judge me or take his side someone that won’t stab me in the back someone that understands.

You could also just leave your comments. I would really like that to.

I am now 5 and a half months pregnant.