I found out almost a week ago that I could be pregnant.  When my period did not start on Thanksgiving, I started getting nervous.  I had to go out of town on Saturday, Sunday was a day I figured I would just hold out on, then Monday was the day I bought an at-home pregnancy test — not the inexpensive, one-dollar, kind either!  lol  2:00 in the afternoon, it showed "positive ".  Oh crap!  Am I supposed to be happy?  I was, but not as much as I thought I would be.

On Wednesday (after tellling the dad), I called the OB who delivered my first/only child (17 years earlier!), but my call had to be returned.  To save time…  I had to call back on Friday.  To see what steps to take next.  I was told that the dr. was going to be on vacation for the last two weeks of December and asked if there was anything that would require a quicker visit.

Here is where the tricky part comes in.  I have been diabetic for 31 years, I was diagnosed as being hypothyroid over 7 years ago, I had colorectal cancer in 2001 (praise God there was no chemo or radiation, only surgery – colon (rectum) resection, and I have been being treated for "major depression disorder" for one year (as of 5 days ago).  Oh yeah…  I have been having abnormal pap tests for at least 2 years.  My OB does one every 6 months to keep track of progress — for a negative test or one that would show cancer.  The nurse said "Yeah, he's gonna want to see you before he goes on vacation."  She also faxed a request for an HCG (blood test) to the hospital and said I should go that day and by the end of the day (Friday) or Monday, she would let me know how it turned out.

If the result was 1600 or more, she would need me to get a transvaginal ultrasound.  Friday evening I got the call:  my HCG was 2500.  Yay?  This is Sunday (just 2 days after the blood pregnancy test was positive, and 6 days after I took a home pregnancy test that was positive).  I am waiting for a call tomorrow to see when I will have to do the transvaginal ultrasound, and then see the doctor in person.

OK, that is the pregnancy status.  Here is the gossip-type stuff:  The father is married, but not to me.  I hear you calling me a fool, but fools can fall in love, can't they?  Let me update you on this gossip so if you decide to read further, you will know what I am talking about.  I met this guy, let's call him John, in August 2006.  Without giving too many details (because his wife and her family are crazy — honestly) we only met when I asked him a question at a "county social event".  One year later, I happened to run into him right up town at a town "social event" (can you say "free root beer floats at a local drive-up, fast-food restaurant?).  I did not know then that he had been looking for me ever since that day a year before.  We did not talk much, but he invited me to take part with him in the county social event again that year (August 2007).  We ended up going to the next county's event before our own county's and hit it off.  He tells me now how that was the moment he fell in love with me.  It was that night, after the event, that I asked if he was married.  He was!  I so tried to not get close to him (you know how it goes…), but things progressed and by one week later we were a couple, so-to-speak.

I do not believe in adultery or fornication, and I have hated myself for doing it, but until you are in the situation yourself, you can not judge.  I had even told myself long ago that I would not have sex again until I was married.   Unfortunately, I am made of flesh and got weak — in spirit, heart, and body.

Back to John, real quick…  He has 3 children with his wife.  He is in his very low 40's, she is in her upper, mid-thirties.  One child just turned 15, one will be 5 this month, and the other turned 3 a couple months ago.  Oh, yes, the wife knows, as of September this year, that he and I have been together for over a year.  She did not kick him out until October, but he has been "living" with me since then.  I say "living" because he was not supposed to totally move in, but get a place with a friend of his as soon as he could.  He still has not  been able to take possession of all his things.  He has not gotten a lawyer yet because he/we can not come up with a $1000 retainer.  His wife surely can not, and I do not think a lawyer will take up her case with the hopes of being paid by John at the end of the trial either.  See?  I told you it was complicated!

 After we had been together 6 months — February 2008 (way too soon, I know), I stopped using birth control, but it was not until July 2008 that we decided to actually try to have a have a baby.  When I was not pregnant by October, I asked my regular doctor what the problem could be.  I was told that usually patients are asked to wait for one year of trying to conceive before taking any action for infertility or other causes.  Because he had his last child just 3 years ago, naturally I thought there was something with me – my age, most likely, although I have not been through menopause yet.  My periods have gone from 7 days to 3 days in just a year's time.

So, as I began, I did become pregnant in November.  You can imagine the thoughts I now have.  As I said earlier, my first/only child just turned 17, so one of my thoughts is "I'm almost done with this one and could have had my freedom.  Now I'm going to have to do it all over again, and I'm not getting younger."  Or this thought "What the heck am I doing?  He's married!"  As if that is not enough on its own.  Maybe "major depression disorder" is not my only problem.  (lol)

Speaking of MDD…  I stopped taking my antidepressants and all other medications on Sunday.  I had spoken to my "psychiatrist/counselor" about what would happen, medication-wise, if I got pregnant.  He told me that I would have to stop the antidepressants because they are known to cause birth defects – mental and physical, even as early in development when the neural tube is forming (where the spinal cord and nerves are formed and housed during the first weeks when the baby is still just an embryo).  I also quit the thyroid medicine (for hypothyroidism) and blood pressure medicine I was taking to delay/stall/stop kidney failure.  I had protein show in my urine years ago and began the blood pressure medicine for it.

I think that brings you up-to-date.  I will add more later if I think it is pertinent.  I really do not know why I started this blog.  Maybe it was to give me an outlet (for times like now when I am going through mild withdrawal from the antidepressants, and am tearing off John's head a lot more than I Ever have), or to give the baby something to look back on if he/she wants to, but maybe, most of all, it will be to give God glory for the great things he will do for me with regard to this pregnancy.  With so many things going against me, let alone health-wise only, His mercy can do amazing things.  I thought my first pregnancy/child was going to be a curse, but he changed it to be a great, life-changing, life-improving blessing.  I have already prayed that He would have this same mercy on me this time.  If you believe, I ask that you pray for me also.

Besides those who absolutely Have to know (dr, psychiatrist, dentist [for x-ray reasons], and OB), the only person I have been able to share the news with is my 17-year-old.  Because we live in a small town, telling the wrong person would have the news all over town in a matter of one to two hours – seriously.  John told his mom yesterday, but has not totally told me how she feels about it yet.  I will not tell my mother until my health holds up.  Being a mom, she has already expressed how she thinks my health will fail if I got pregnant.  Yes, pregnancy is hard on a "regular" person's body, and it could be worse for mine, considering the things I spoke of earlier.  I will wait to tell her until either I have to (showing beyond sensibly hiding it) or my health is evidence that she can not say I am going to fall apart.  I do not want her to worry needlessly either.  I guess we will have to see about that, but like I said, I have prayed for the baby/babies and myself and have faith that God will take care of me/us and all will be well, for His glory.

Maybe you noticed how I said "baby/babies" in that last paragraph.  Yes, there have been twins in my family and because my HCG was a little higher than we expected, multiples have not been ruled out by John or myself.  We have joked about this quite a bit, but that is another thing we will have to see about.  (God, please have mercy on me.  Your mercy endureth forever.)

Till next time…