My issues are sort of different.  I’ve been in a relationship with the same man off and on for 10 years.  We have a 7 year old child.  And we’ve lived together for the last three years.  Everything is in our names together.  We are what you consider “common law” married.   I am not very young, and not in school.  I am a working full time.

My home life hasn’t been very happy lately.  I guess it comes with being with someone for so long.  We had been fighting a lot, and decided to separate.  During one of our moments of making up, I ended up getting pregnant.  We were careful-using condoms.  But I still got pregnant.   When I first suspected being pregnant, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  But my cycle never came, so I took another-in fact 3 tests-all positive.  I just sat there and cried.  Here I am preparing to move out on my own, and this happens.  I didn’t know what to do and I was afraid to tell him.

I talked to my family who was very happy for me, and would support me in my decision.  But when I finally told him, things went horrible.  It was like I had stolen from him, or raped him.  He didn’t understand how it could happen.  If it was even his.  How he didn’t want more children.  How I was just trying to force him to stay with me-that he just wanted me out of his life!  He didn’t care at all about me.  My son didnt understand all the fighting, or crying.  All he wanted was an abortion and me gone.

Then, a couple of days later, he approached me  telling me about the abortion pill.  At that point, I was tired of fighting and just agreed.  I looked into it, and thought it would be the right choice.  My family was even encouraging me to do it so that I could be free of him and have a fresh start.  I made my appointment then went to the clinic ALONE.  I was in such a rush to have it done otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to go through with it.  Turns out I was 6 weeks pregnant.  The other women there looked scared or nervous.  Everyone basically watched the floor, like they were ashamed.  Including me.  Some women didn’t even know about the pill option.  But the surgery was not for me.  I took the pill, got the rest of the meds to take at home, then left.

Everything happened so fast after that.  I came home to have my miscarriage.  When I was really giving away a child.  The next day I took the other pills-then the bleeding and cramping started.  My very first trip to the restroom, and there was the baby.  All I could do was cry.  And where was the father?  Out celebrating!  I never complained about the pain, nausea, or any thing else.  I didn’t have the right to.

I haven’t been the same since.  I chose to end my baby’s life because I was scared to do things alone.  Because people encouraged it because I thought I didn’t have any other options.  When that wasn’t the case, and I see that now.  But it’s too late.  I want my child back.  And that will never happen.  I have nightmares all the time.  Even about loosing my son.   I did something I don’t believe in, and justified it.  I guess that is my punishment.  Everyday, I hate myself more.  Maybe one day I will be blessed to become a parent again.  And I will be just that!