Dear Becky,

This year for me was meant to be my personal and financial growth year. I lost my father three years ago on March 26. I made strict goals for this year. I met the love of my life in this year, and September 9th, I urinated on a stick and saw what was the most frightening realization ever. My world crashed on this day, thinking this is not me, I’m an ambitious hard worker, not a mom. I don’t know how to be both and I’m not going to try. I then found out about abortion clinics, told my partner and he asked me if I really wanted to go through with the abortion. If yes or no, he will support me throughout. That made me forget about the aftermath and I just focused on “us”. September 11th I found out I was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The Monday that followed I took the abortion pill and went through the trauma of keeping this secret from my family and suffering by myself, no one to hold me or cry with me, although my partner kept apologizing about the pain and calling me, asking me what he could do. That still did not help a thing.

I have been through this ordeal and had no one to hold. I go through each day with a smile that’s forced onto my face. I pretend I’m fine, or my answer to everything “how are you”, how’s your day” is always “fine”. I was once the girl that made everyone want to be alive and i was the girl who didn’t go a day without laughing. I now am the one in need of that girl to make me want to live again.

My partner is the sweetest and most caring man. I just feel we’re still young and such things should only be discussed when we’re older and are able to handle my breakdown. I now dig my head into work overload, and I’m distancing myself from him. I struggle to make conversation or rather, I struggle to communicate with him and he’s feeling very excluded and sad about this. These thoughts are holding me back from enjoying life.

How do I move on from this?