I know that they are relatively unrelated to my brain, but my breasts hurt so bad right now I can not concentrate on anything else.
Perhaps lets start with an introduction to more than just my breasts. I am 30 years old. 15 years ago I had an abortion, and 5 years ago I gave birth to my first son and 16 months later my second son came into the world. But then, well then the marriage fell apart and their father and I separated. Shortly after, I found someone incredible, that was 18 months ago. He was the one. I honestly said to myself, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my days and nights with. About 13 months ago (during what must now be called, "Breakup of the Ages, part I"), I sat up in bed, suddenly in the middle of the night and I said to myself: "omigod – I am going to have his baby girl!" I didn't mean then, I knew I wasn't pregnant. It was just some sort of weird knowingness. We got back together. We laughed, we loved…
We broke up again a few weeks ago – he isn't ready to commit to a girl with two kids, doesn't really want to take the leap to moving into his new house with us. I tried to understand. Hell, I am still trying. But I became broken. I had to work really hard to get through the days so my kids would not see and feel all that was going on around them. I vowed off any future relationships, stopped taking the pill and worryingly, just couldn't keep food down if I could get myself to eat at all.
Two weeks ago he came over after a dinner party and hardly capable of speech. I was mostly asleep, yet happy to see him. And then the inevitable. Its a fluke and a half that I know I am pregnant now. I went to the doctor to discuss birth control options I don't have to think about now that I am hardly thinking about sex. The blood test revealed that birth control is really not necessary at this point, though the urine test didn't reveal it yet. Early days, early days.
2 weeks in (or is it 4 weeks?) and yes, I can feel it – and as I said, mainly in my breasts. I am also sleeping 10 hours a night and yawning 45 minutes after I wake up. I am constipated and cranky. Oh yes the joys…
But he is not ready to commit to me, let alone a baby. I can not do this without him. I don't earn enough (and kicker, I am living in a foreign country and do not qualify for social welfare). My existing childcare revolves around my boys' father. I have no family here and even though I have some lovely friends, no one is really in a position to step up to the plate and help me out in the way that I need them to. I don't feel it is right to ask him to give up his future for a reality I am already in (though I know there will be a million contenders to that). Early days. I have time to make a decision, but if I keep this baby it will be on my own – even if he helps me financially. He has said he is not ready (who ever is? and am I for that matter?) and I said I wasn't asking him to be. I thought termination was the option for both of us when I told him. And anyhow, it is early days…
But now? Now I sit at my desk and I struggle with myself. I argue and I fight. And my body is fighting me back (thank you for the lovely physical pain to go with the mental anguish). As cloudy as my brain is, I found myself picking up a pregnancy magazine along with milk and bread last night. I thought about baby fingers and baby toes. I thought about that little girl I thought I was going to have. And inbetween the burbing and the nausea, I really think I want this baby. But I am alone and lost and confused and afraid. And I thought I was past all of this… I never thought I would be here right now… And the fact that it is early days is of no consolation to me right now…
