Dear me,

It’s been a year since I miscarried. Wow, has a lot happened…

Let’s start with how messed up I have had to become to realize how hypocritical I’ve been, and how hypocritical I was. I’ve been intimate with 5 different guys, and it’s taken me being in 13 different relationships to realize this, as well as having met someone I truly feel is worth my time, attention, and whole-hearted affection.

I’m telling people not to smoke, either weed or cigarettes. I’m advising them against drinking. I’m telling them not to be me.

This whole time, I’ve been tainting myself, feeling more and more like I’m worthless. Why would God even have bothered to create a royal mess like me?

Let me bear it all on my sleeve. I was a spoiled child that made my mom’s PTSD worse when I was with her. While the rest of my family was in Germany. I wallowed in self-pity because I wasn’t strong enough to tell about when I was sexually assaulted twice. Though when I was strong enough, people rejected my pain and acted as though it didn’t exist.
After that, I went into relationships trying to feel, even if it was the cold touch of another. When that didn’t help I threw myself into smokes and pot, rebelling and getting worse. I was constantly taking one step forward, and two steps back.

It was two years ago when I went over the top. After he left, I went to three others’ touch. I started dating one and fell pregnant. I was only two months along. Most think that’s not enough.

It was enough for me. I looked at that little being that passed right through me, it had caused me so much pain. It was probably nothing compared to what I had done to it and I have never been able to forgive myself.
I kept what happened a secret for months, even from its father, because he had already had a child with another girl.

My friend told me she knew what happened, I looked at her shocked thinking ‘How? I never told anyone!’. I burst into tears and told my then boyfriend.

Fast forward to today, I’m talking to someone who’s actually worthy, but how? How do you mention something so tragic without them thinking something awful about you?
It’s bad enough I can’t forgive myself, and it’s even worse that it would have been 1 year this august. I try not to imagine what my child would have looked like.

Though how do you Not?

Dear me,

Why? Why was I so ignorant and stupid?