well thats wat they say! Im not pregnant any more but not because i had the abortion but because i have had a misscarage the doctor said that i was fine and should just get on with it so here i am a week later still suffering the affter affects and this is how and why i beleve it happend ?!

i desided that i couldent go through with wat i was expected to do and was watting for the firts oppertunity to beg someone that could do something to help, but i knew that thire was nobody that could help me-but me and at this point i was dessprate to wake up from this nightmare and i desised to have a bath.

i ran the bath and wached the steem run down the mirror walst my tears mimiced thire motion streamming down my cheekes. Uncontroalable tears ones that start with out you! i had only cryed like this once befor and that was when my father passed away, the feeling of air traped in my lungs and my harte tightening…..

i soaked in the tub and roked my belly as i did with my son thire befor but this wasent gonna be like the conversations i had with him i was ready and i was starting to feel like i was going mad , i told the baby that dad was just angry and that when the time is right we, me and dad would be ready and to stay close to my hart till then and i will call on the baby to come back! now when i repeat it it sounds so daft but i reaty felt like this was the only hope and that it would real work?

that night (monday) i felt strange and fell asleep without thinking anything more of it when my boy woke me in the morning i felt hollow almost dissoriantated r i was in pain and i knew it wasent good so i went state to the toilet and it was clear that it was over i had wished my baby away!!!!!

Now i know wat u must be thinking how daft but it was all i could think to do in all of the madness and drama i was loosing my mind and falling into a trap in my owen head this is actual wat probably made me loose the baby the stress of wat was happening without my control the fact of the matter is however or whoever's point of view you look at it wasent meant to be!

I suppose u want to know how i feel about it now not verry different im lonly and confused im just getting on with being the best Mum i can be for my beautiful son and enjoying every waking moment that im with him he is such a loveing chiled i will still think wat if but what has happend is realy out of my controle now and not something i have been foresed into im shore if i had gone through with the termination i would be righting a very different blog thats if i hadent done tomething more drastic!

xxx