Built up feelings I need to let go
Well, let me start from the beginning so that this makes sense:
My biological father was never in my life, since he has been in and out of prison for 20+ years, So when I went to the prison to meet him when I was 15, I was for the most part happy with a couple of other mixed feelings. Then my mom and him started making plans for him to be paroled and for all of us to live together and be “one big happy family” and I was OK with the idea. I thought it might be cool to have both my parents there since it was always just my mom.
So he got paroled and my mom moved up with him right away while I stayed in New Mexico to finish my summer job. When my job ended, I went to Colorado to live with them, thinking things were going to be OK… Sadly, I started to resent my father and wanted nothing to do with him, because he was an alcoholic with an anger issue that lied about everything and it caused me a lot of stress since I found out I was pregnant shortly after moving, but my mom was in love with him and didn’t want to leave him.
So for the first time in my pregnancy, I moved out. I moved in with my cousin and his wife. I was there for a couple weeks when I couldn’t take it anymore. His wife was constantly yelling about something and she was just so rude. So it didn’t really relieve my stress much so I decided to move back with my Mom and Dad. For about 2 weeks, things were OK and then things went right back to what they were before. So after about 1 month, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Things were so bad I thought about suicide. I would never do it but the thought of not having to deal with the stress anymore made me happy, I told my mom if she didn’t leave him, I would move out again…
She didn’t leave him so I ended up moving into a maternity home (a home for pregnant teens). About a month into me living there, my mom and dad got evicted and were forced to live in a hotel with no food because all there money was going to support his alcohol addiction, and on top of that, he started doing drugs like meth. He promised to stop but since he always lied, we could never tell if he was telling the truth. Finally, when they didn’t have money to pay the hotel, I convinced my mom to leave him.
I am so mad at my mom for not being there when I needed her the most. She let him control her life and it seemed like I didn’t matter to her. I’m the type of person to just bottle up my feelings so when I told her how I felt and for her just not to care was heart breaking for me. All I could think was how bad does it have to get for you to leave him? My mom is here for me now but I can’t help but to feel so mad when I think about it.
I just had to let that go.
