Every year on this day, I take a moment and sadness sets in. I do love my life and think I have been blessed by GOD with a wonderful understanding husband and 3 amazing kids.
However, today is the day that my first daughter passed away. She would be 7 today, and things would be a lot different I think. She was a stillborn, and we had no idea until I went in for my ultrasound and found out she had passed away 3 days earlier.
I often wonder who she would look like and what she would be like. As a mother, I miss her every day.
I don’t think having kids and being there everyday makes you a mother. I think being pregnant, for however short or long a time, makes you a mother and that instinct just kicks in as to always do what’s best for your baby no matter what the choice a woman makes is. She always does what’s best for her baby, and I think what could have been done to prevent this from happening?
Even though the doctors say it just happens sometimes with no warning, it still upsets me and makes me think I failed as her mother. I know that if she were here with us today, I would not have my little boy and girl or this new little bun in the oven, and Lord knows I love them with all my heart, I still think about how things would be with her. I know how hard it is for all these young women to deal with the pressure of being pregnant so young and having to make tough choices and it makes me so sad.
I just wish all these girls that have ever been done wrong or pressured into making a choice they didn’t want to could rise up and change what has happened to them as I wish I could change what happened to my baby. I have to think like most people do there’s a reason for all things, right or wrong. No matter how much sense they do or don’t make. I just wish I could change things. I will always remember Annette Mckenzie born May 21st, 2003. I loved her from the moment I knew she and I were sharing a body and I look forward to seeing her again one day.
Well, my husband is gone for training and will not return home until Tuesday. I have just finished dinner with my boys and put my daughter in her bouncer. The boys are watching a movie while I check up on some things online. It has been a very rowdy 2 weeks and this mom is ready for a break. After the movie, it will be the same as every other night, bath time for the boys while I feed her then read books, brush teeth, say prayers, pick out a night-night movie, and tuck them in. After all that, bathe the baby and get her off to bed so I can hopefully have at least an hour without kids.
Sounds so terrible, but when my husband has to leave for training, I’m fine for the first 10 days, but then I get upset and tired because taking care of 3 kids 24 hours a day alone is very exhausting, and requires a break every once in a while. I love them all dearly but I am so ready for my husband to get home and help out again. The good thing about the weekend is not getting up at 6 am and making breakfast, packing lunches, getting bookbags ready, and zipping out the door to catch the bus. Instead, it’s sleeping in till 8 and then making breakfast and relaxing with my kids. I love them so much.
I guess the real reason I feel the need to vent via blog is because it might not be 3 kids for long as I just took a pregnancy test this morning and much to my surprise, I saw 2 little pink lines. Crazy as it seems I have an 8 and 5-year-old as well as a 5-month-old baby. So a new baby is going to be a challenge. All my kids are a good 3 to 5 years apart in age, but if I am pregnant again, Olivia and this new baby will only be 1 year and a few months apart. So as soon as she gets over being a baby and moves into being a toddler, I will have another little one. There is something to be said about babies. I love them very much so. I forgot how much I missed having one as it has been 5 years. Now I remember and it’s not so bad. We did want 5 children before we were 30 so I guess if I am pregnant, we will have 7 years to have the last.
This is going to be a bright thing for us I can feel it.
