Dear my little sugarplum.
Mummy and Daddy still miss you, baby. We love you so much, no one will ever take your place.
It’s mummy’s 17th next month. I’m getting a tattoo- for you. So you will forever be with me. If you could see it when it’s done, I think you’d like it. I have drawn it out and everything. Daddy likes it 🙂
Mummy is struggling a lot with everything lately, but I try to carry on- I like to think you are watching me sometimes so I want to make you proud. Baby- I never stop thinking about it. Not even for one second! Like I said in my last letter, you will always be Mummy and Daddy’s little baby, our first child!
I love you so much baby! forever and always.
Love
Mummy and Daddy
xxxx
I just feel completely empty- my world is wrapped around two dates:
- 15th March 2008, the day my child, my little baby was conceived.
- 1st July 2008, the day my little one was taken from me in the most un-natural way.
I have so much resentment towards my mother; I can’t forgive her. I can’t forgive myself. I keep asking myself the same questions:
- Why didn’t she support me like she always said she would?
- Why was I never allowed to see my own child?
- Would I have been such a bad mother?
- Why does she still till this day pretend anything happened?
These are the questions that will never be answered.
I know everyone tells me that my baby and God have forgiven me and I now need to forgive myself- but how can I? How can I forgive myself for not standing up to my mother, for not being the voice for my own child?
That’s all my life is now- emptiness, resentment and unanswered questions.
Dear my darling angel,
I miss you sweetie, my precious baby. Not a minute goes by when mummy doesn’t think of you. I would do anything to have you back with me and Daddy, I really would. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t Daddy’s either. I was the one that was too weak to stand up to anyone. I regret that so much. I still hold my belly every now and again, hoping that you are still there, but then I come back to reality and realise that you are gone, to a better place. I would have done anything for you- I hope you know that, so would daddy.
I wish I could of felt you kick, gone through all of that pain when you decided you wanted to meet everyone. I wish I could comfort you when you cry and watch you sleep. I wish I could tell you stories about the princess and the prince. I wish I could hear you first word and help you walk. Take you to school in the mornings and pick you up when it’s finished- I would be the proudest mum in the playground. I wish I could read you reading book with you, and comfort you when you are scared at night. I wish I could scare the monster under your bed away and watch you smile.
I would have made a good mummy, and daddy would have been the best. He would have spoilt you till you had everything! We would have cared for you, protected you from the world, so no one could ever hurt you. We would have loved you more than anyone could ever know. Now you are our angel, and will be forever. Don’t be worried, mummy and daddy think of you all the time and you will never be forgotten- I promise you.
Mummy and daddy don’t talk about you a lot because it hurts too much, but we still love you. Mummy and daddy wanted you here with us sweetie, and although it may seem like nanny didn’t, she would have loved you too; she was trying to look out for mummy. She thought I wouldn’t be able to cope with you baby, but believe me I would have. You would have come before anyone and anything, you would have had everything you needed and more, even if it meant mummy and daddy missing out on days out or things like that. I wouldn’t go out for a year if it meant you were happy and had everything you wanted.
You may be too young to understand all of this and everything that has happened, but please understand this. Mummy and daddy love you so very dearly.
I know this pain will never go away, I will always regret losing you but I will never regretting having you in my belly. Those few weeks I had with you, I will cherish for the rest of my life. Even if it does involve throwing up all the time and sleeping most of the time. That was you letting mummy know you were there. Making sure I hadn’t forgot you.
I may have another baby in my life, but remember, that baby will never replace you, and even though that baby may be here with us and you will be up there, I will never forget you or stop loving you. You will always be mummy and daddy’s first child.
Mummy and daddy love you, our precious baby
X
15.03.08-01.07.08
Rest in Peace, sweetheart
