I really don’t know what happened. I can’t believe how dumb I was. I’m having a lot of trouble with 1 baby. Nobody is helping me. My mom is overworking now. I haven’t heard a word from my dad since he left us and I was scared my baby wouldn’t have a crib to sleep in.
My baby daddy from my first baby is in jail and I’m praying I’m not pregnant. If I am pregnant, I don’t know what I could do, really. If I am pregnant, this baby daddy is different I hope. Funny how before all this pregnant thing, I used to be the one saying “I’m mature. I can’t take care of myself and I would NEVER be like my friends.” Now I’m in a worse position them most of them. Most of them have their baby daddy helping them or their family. Me. I do online schooling which is hard at times too but it helps. I have to go babysit somebody else’s kids for money while taking care of my own baby. I do anything I can think I can do to help me get a little bit of money. My mom does give me some, but not enough. Now that I’m a mom, I look at my mom and say “I’m never going to be like her or my dad” I’m NEVER going to leave my child. Really, I’m scared. At times, I’m like why am I scared. And my sister told me, “It’s because moms are scared” Maybe she’s right. But really, I don’t know what to do. I’m scared and now I’m wishing to go back in time and change but I can’t. I only had 1 life and I chose to go in the wrong direction. My friends don’t call or stop by. And I’m not going to their house because I can’t. They can come and they choose not to. I also heard people tell me that they talk about behind my back. I can’t imagine all the things they’ll say if I really am pregnant, again but what can I do about it, really? I’m 1 person and there’s a million of them. All I can do is hold my chin up. I don’t regret having my daughter.
She’s the best thing in my life but how can I raise 2?
Thinking bout my old life.
It might be my fault that my family fell apart. I know it’s my fault. Maybe if I wasn’t pregnant, my dad wouldn’t have left like that. He might have gotten a regular divorce. Told us in advance and not have left us. If I wasn’t pregnant, then my mom wouldn’t have gotten so sour. She used to be the sweetest mom. In school, I used to write to her every Mother’s Day. I used to hug her and tell her “I love you” every night and she would say “I love you” back. Now I can’t look at her without her glaring at me or telling me that now she has another mouth to feed.
When I was younger my mom used to tell me that I was the joy in her life and that she had big plans for me. In the pictures I see when I was a baby, I saw everyone happy, caring, loving, perfect. I see those pictures and I think about the future.
I think about the could have happen and what didn’t happen and what is happening. I think about my dad, and ask questions. I think bout my baby daddy and ask questions. I think bout my mom and think bout questions. I think about my sister, who I let down. I think about my friends and ask then why did they leave me. I thought we were BFF. I think bout my baby and I think about me.
Pregnancy did change my life. I don’t want to put my baby for adoption, but I’m starting to. I don’t, I don’t, and I don’t want to put my little girl in adoption. I really don’t. I don’t think I can. But I don’t have money. I’m only 14. No place is going to hire a 14 year old girl who doesn’t even go to school and has a baby and if there was a place, what will happen with my lil girl? There’s nowhere to leave her. I can’t leave her with a stranger, no way. and I can’t leave her with anybody I know. They wouldn’t take care of her and they don’t even care. I don’t even have a crib for her and not even clothes for her to live. The environment in my house is bad. I’m all alone. In my head, I don’t even know what age I am sometimes. Sometimes, I do feel like my age, but there are times that I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry my heart out and I want my mom there to hug me and comfort me. There are times i fell like a little kid and there are times i feel like an 42 year old women.
Crushes, dates, movies, parties, school, teenage life. That’s all gone. I envy some teen moms. I’m like, wow, I wish i had their life. Even five dollars would help at least, but I wasted all my collage money and all my saving money to buy at least a couple things for the baby and now in my bank, I have literally 0 dollars. ZERO. Nothing.
I don’t know anymore.
OK, soo now I’m starting to feel excited. This website has really helped me out sooo much.
I really was confused at first. But now, I’m sooo totally excited. I know it’s going to be hard. But hey, I chose to DO IT with my baby daddy and now I’m going to have a baby. It’s not his or her fault. I need to do what’s right for me and my little angel.
Now, I have to start thinking bout names 😀
It’s 11:55 pm and I’m just on this website because I don’t know where else to go. I keep writing blogs. none of my friends know what I’m going through. I just finished writing a blog maybe 4 hours ago and now I’m writing another one. I was just thinking about soo many things. I’ve been doing so much thinking that I’m starting to question many things. I wrote my baby a letter in a blog here and I was happy. I am happy. But I don’t know. I’m confused. I live in a hard area of Los Angeles to be pregnant. I live in a nice neighborhood where everything is well taken care of and I have a lot of friends and my parents have a lot of friends. But with having friends means gossip. I still haven’t told my parents, but I’ve been hearing people talk bout me and saying how much weight I gained. I’m sitting in my bed thinking. Like I said a million times. I’ve been thinking.
1) How can I have a child if I sometimes can’t even take care of myself
2) If I do adoption, could that be a good idea? But when I think bout adopting, I’m just imagining bout it and I don’t think I could really do it. And I can’t do it and the baby isn’t even born yet.
3) Am I being selfish for not putting my little angel in good hands? But how do I know that they’re really in good hands? What if I’m a better mother than the adopted parents? What if my daughter would be happier with me than her adopted parents?
4) What is the best thing for me to do? Drop out of school and actually raise my child? Well, I don’t think so thinking bout it. I really don’t want to be at school though and I want to stay with my child, but I know that I need schooling too.
5) Am I thinking too much? Am I being too dramatic?
God help me
Hey baby,
Hi, I just wanted to write something to you. So here it goes. I really don’t know what to write, but by the time I finish this letter, it’ll probably be a pretty long letter. So I’m going to say that I’m sooo happy that you’re my baby girl or baby boy. I still don’t know how I’m going to raise you or how life’s going to turn out for the BOTH of us. But what I do know is that I love you with all my heart and that I never know how powerful love really is until you love someone that you can’t stop loving no matter what.
I don’t even know your gender, but I could feel you inside me growing and growing. Or maybe I think I’m feeling you but I’m almost positive that it’s you growing. I can’t wait to see your little angel face, touch your little toes, and play with you one little piggie. I also can’t wait to sing to you and to hold you. Also, I hope that since I’m only 14, you’ll learn from my big mistake because I’m soo young and I wanted to do soo many things, but now I have something else to worry about. I have to worry bout you. And worrying bout you is more important to me than worrying bout school. I know I have to try my hardest in school. While most girls my age go to parties and hang out after school at Starbucks or Jamba Juice or Barnes and Noble’s, I have to go home and feed you, give you a bath, and change your clothes, and make you happy. I think that’s going to be the hardest thing for you because I want to give you soo much and I know I can’t give you half of what I want. I want you to know your real dad and I know I can’t do that. I want you to have a home to call your own and not have to be with grandma and grandpa and aunt and uncle 24/7. I want a place of our own and I can’t give that to you. I want to be with you when you’re little 24/7 and I can’t do that either I have to be at school. I want to be there with you when you give your first steps and I don’t know if I am going to be there because I have to be at school. I want me to take care of you, not grandma. Grandma already had to take care of me and she already had her time to take care of her children. And you’re her granddaughter or grandson. You’re my son or daughter and I want to take care of you. I want sooo many things for you and I can’t. But I do promise you this. I’ll try.
With love,
Your Mommy
