I did things in a rather conventional order.I graduated from university, got married and hoped for children.None came.So my husband and I adopted a son, fell in love and longed for more children.I took fertility drugs and had two daughters. My arms, heart and plate were full, and the world seemed just about perfect.I helped with Standupgirl.com because I knew my sonās life could have been ended before his birth, depriving my world of joy.I wanted other moms to know, before it was too late, that their children are amazing, too.But every time I saw the tag line āBeen There Girls Speak Outā, I cringed.I had no right to speak from my ordered, charmed little world.
But Iām āThereā now.Somehow, a very unexpected baby number four is growing inside me.After a week of that sick feeling, I finally took a test, and panicked when the second line appeared.I cried, and not with joy. āNo!ā I thought.āI canāt do this again.I canāt spend weeks vomiting, months exhausted, get stretch marks inside my stretch marks and go through the sleepless nights of feedings and pacing the halls.I canāt do this and be the mom and wife I want to be.Iām too old to do this all again! I canāt add a newborn to our busy schedule.I canāt bear the thought of two more years of diapers, and adding more to our already growing bills.With three kids talking at the same time, all the time, I canāt hear myself think.I canāt listen to a fourth one, too.I was just about to go ādiscoverā myself again.But with another baby, that is never going to happen.By the time I get around to discovering myself, I wonāt even exist.I DIDNāT CHOOSE this and I want OUTā
Since I first heard of abortion, I have thought it evil.But in the days after my discovery, when we were keeping the secret, I understood why women do it.A little whisper told me that it would be so easy, no one would ever know, and I could have my life back the way Iād planned it.Lies, but very attractive ones. I dismissed that voice and told myself that Iād feel better, even fall in love with this baby, when I had an ultrasound. I went to the doctor with pounding heart and artificially high blood pressure, secretly hoping Iād miscarried.But there was a nine-week-old baby on the screen, heart fluttering away. And my emotions did absolutely nothing.I spent the next two months on the couch. Sick, hormonal and exhausted, I felt like a terrible mother to the children I wanted, thanks to the child I didnāt want.
Iām at 19 weeks now, and strangers are starting to look twice at my midsection.I see the question in their eyes āIs she fat, or pregnant?āI donāt mind so much on the rare occasion when Iām alone, but I live in a part of the world where strangers often question my unusual collection of three children, sometimes with hostility.When I see their heads bob oneā¦twoā¦three times, and then linger on my belly, I feel ashamed.And tired, knowing that the scrutiny is going to get worse, and some people will always feel the need to comment.
So Iāve been there now.I, a planner, am unexpectedly pregnant.And I hope youāll listen while I remind myself where else Iāve been, and where Iām going again.
The flutters and popcorn twangs I feel right now will soon be kissable feet, and hands with fingernails like the yearās first snowflakes.And Iāll have to do as much kissing as possible, because so very soon those feet will be grubby and smellable from some distanceā¦carrying someone who means the world to me. The tiny mouth currently sucking in amniotic fluid as breathing practice will soon be crying.And yes, Iāll lose more sleep.But then the cooing and babbling will start, and I will marvel at the gurgling sounds only my baby can make. And Iāll make a delighted fool of myself babbling back.Then come the words, life-altering in their beauty.How could I survive without my current doses of āMommy, you are my sunshine!ā delivered with kisses?Yes, the stretch marks are inevitable, as are the bags under the eyes and creeping wrinkles.But those will only get worse, baby number four or not. But my kids point to billboards of beautiful women and say āMommyās up there!ā Soon Iāll have someone else to cheer me with inaccurate but lovely eyesight.The bills will get paid, this baby will learn to use the toilet, just like everyone else did, and yes, there will even be moments of silence and peace mixed in with the chaos.Iāll learn again that the opinions of people I donāt love donāt matter.And if I ever get around to discovering myself, Iāll be a richer person for being Mom to this child, too.
Will you silence the whispers that lie to you? I didnāt choose, this time, to be where I am.But I know where Iām going and trust me, it is a great place.Come with me?