11 months ago, I met my boyfriend and we began dating right away.

We were fascinated by each other’s different ideas yet same way of thinking. We fell in love sooo fast! But it felt like there was nothing to lose by loving him… So I went for it…and not even 3 months later, I found myself wanting his children, and without trying for more than 2 weeks…we were pregnant. Now I know I said I wanted to have his kids… But when it was reality, my mind went totally haywire. I didn’t think it would happen so fast…or maybe I didn’t expect it to happen at all. But it did…and deep down my heart, yearned to see this baby in my arms. I work with kids in a daycare and have all the patience in the world… My boyfriend is totally supportive and wanted the baby too…

So the plan was to keep it…but meanwhile, my mom and ex-boyfriend/childhood best friend disagreed and my boyfriend was pushed away. I stopped going to school for a few weeks and my only influences were people who didn’t want me to keep the baby. I was stuck in my house…and really stuck inside my own head with all the pressure of the world on my shoulders. I’ve never cried so much in my life…every day…before bed…whenever I talked to my boyfriend about it… I even asked him what he thought about abortion he said he’d leave me if I did it but that if its what I wanted, then go for it. Instead of seeing what I should do, it scared me and I was still left with no sure decision. My mom took me to a few clinics just to talk about my options…but it turned into talking about why abortions were such a good idea and it was clear that that’s all anyone around me wanted. I was so sick of crying and so sick of the pressure and disapproval…and not having the support of my boyfriend cuz we weren’t allowed to see each other… I got home and told my brother to tell my mom I’ll do it. I hid under the covers in my bed curled up and cried so hard, knowing it wasn’t what I wanted. But I wanted EVERYTHING to end because it was just way too much for me. Mind you… I have anxiety and depression disorders… So when I hit rock bottom, I really hit rock bottom. A few days later, I made the appointment myself, which made it so hard… but I was going through with it. And I didn’t see myself backing out now…even though I wanted to more than anything..

Through the next week, I talked to my boyfriend and pretended like we were still going to have the baby… My guilt killed me inside but I didn’t want him to leave me. When the day came, I went to the clinic with my mom and acted like nothing was wrong the whole time… I was totally calm, not realizing I was about to ruin my life. I went into a room to get an ultrasound but the lady took forever to come in… So I sat there 30 minutes, crying on and off, not sure if I was all that ready… I told myself, “If she comes in after the minute hand goes around the clock one more time…then I’m keeping the baby… If she comes in before it, then I’m having the abortion…” Well here’s my luck… As soon as the minute hand hit 60 seconds, she walked in… So what the hell was I gonna do?

She says “First, I have to ask you if this is what you really want” and I slapped my hands to my face and started balling… I knew my answer but I choked out, “My mom really wants me to and I don’t know…” I mumbled some more and then got myself together cuz I told myself No More Crying… She handed me a tissue and I said “Yeaa..” So we got a picture of the baby… I kept one for me and one for my boyfriend… She seemed confused by that… She’s such a professional yet she couldn’t see that I didn’t want to do it by all my tears and the fact that I wanted a picture of the baby… Her only concern was getting it over with rather than the fact that my happiness was at risk.

We went into another room with my mom and I signed sooo many papers… I chose a form of abortion through pill because I was scared to have surgery… The whole 40 minutes of signing and agreeing to it all, I kept my mouth shut tight and choked back my tears… My mom asked me a few times if I was sure but if I said no, I knew I’d cry… So I said yes.

The lady left and came back with a huge pill…and a cup of water… As soon as she handed it to me. I took it… I didn’t even wanna second guess it. There was 4 more pills to be taken to complete the process but that would be the next day at home. The first pill basically stopped my hormones from giving my baby life…which meant there was no turning back.

I left the place with a little bag of animal crackers…compliments of the clinic…..

I was so hungry and my only thoughts were to find something to distract myself from pain so we got somethin to eat before going home. I went to bed with my brain, so tired of all the things I had to process throughout the day…and my heart empty…

I woke up the next morning and it hit me what I had done to myself and MY child. I started crying for about an hour till my mom heard me and came in my room… She asked what was wrong… Through sobs, I spilled out that I didn’t want to do it… And she started to cradle me, she said, “Why didn’t you tell me? I asked you.” She had such sympathy for me that I realized I had the chance to stop it all but it was too late by now. So all I could do was look forward to finishing what I started.

To help me feel better, we went to get our toenails done, but all I felt the whole time was guilt and regret. I texted my boyfriend, telling him I was at the hospital and I miscarried… That was it.. I hate myself for being so deceitful of him but I knew the pain I felt and I didn’t want him to feel the same. I started having some cramps and sweating a lot. When we got home, I took the rest of the pills… I had to let 2 on one side of my cheeks and 2 on the other, dissolve for a half hour and then swallow what was left… My mom gave me a heating pad and a bucket (for throw up) and left to get my painkillers. I started getting the worst cramps I’ve ever had in my life. I called my boyfriend and started crying in agony of my pain… He asked to come see me so he could help me but my mom said to wait for her to get home… So I said no…

I hung up and the blood started pouring out. I threw up and ran to the bathroom… I sat on the toilet so wacked out from the pain. My body was numb and I was burning up… I ripped off all my clothes and fell on the floor… I started yelling in pain and finally, my mom came home… I bled all over the floor and myself and all I wanted was to not be conscious because this pain wasn’t supposed to be so severe . I passed out for a few minutes and when I woke back up, my mom was putting clothes on me and my aunt carried me out to the car. We rushed to a hospital about 45 min away. I was shivering and the cramping was lightening up. My body was still numb. We finally got there and I didn’t even know what to tell the nurse. They took my info and had me wait for a long time. A couple hours later, I was feeling fine…a little shaken and tired but..it was pretty much over with…except the bleeding… They gave me an ultrasound and the baby was gone. It was so uncomfortable to be handled so lightly because it was devastating for me.

I stayed home from school all week and went I went back everyone knew I lost the baby… But they only knew by miscarriage… I didn’t want the drama of a bunch of immature high school kids misunderstanding my situation.

The next 2 months were spent with my boyfriend crying…He always tried to make me feel better by saying it’s not my fault…but I knew that it really was and it hurt every time I lied to him. It was his baby too and he should have had a say in it. Finally one night i started crying and i clung to him ..the lights were off…he woke up and asked me what was wrong and i said “i have to tell you something.” After a while of crying and hinting, he knew what I meant and he told me to say the words myself…So I did…I never felt so horrible and I expected him to break up with me then and there. I even told him that’s what I thought would happen…but he just grabbed me and held me tight. I know he’ll never understand from my point of view…but he forgave me..to an extent. We fight sometimes and if that’s brought up, he’ll say something negative about what I did… but I let him because that’s the least he can do… But even now 7 months later, I’m still in pain. I failed my junior year of high school and lost my spot in the childcare program, which is my dream…

My boyfriend and I went through such a hard time up until 3 months ago. I barely remember everything because I was such a mess. Now, we are so strong and more in love then we’ve ever been in and I can feel us growing up so much. And about 2 weeks ago, I found out i was pregnant…which makes me 2 months right now…and I couldn’t be more sure of what I want. And I couldn’t be ANY happier about this baby. I know God felt that I wasn’t ready before so He gave me some time to figure myself out…and I know He gave me back the baby I was going to have the first time.

I don’t want to say I wish I did things differently because I’m so happy with my life right now… I have a lot to fix (with school) and my job but I’m so willing to do that if it means having my baby back. but I will say I wish I never had to feel the pain I felt and I hope I never have to feel it again…So anyone who’s reading this, make sure you do what’s in YOUR heart because in the end, you know it’s your decision that matters and it’s YOUR life that changes.