I’m 7 months pregnant. I found out the last week in June that I was 6 weeks pregnant.

It was a Sunday. I told my boyfriend of 3 months, and my brother’s best friend of 6+ years. I knew he wouldn’t be happy, but I knew he’d never leave me. I was actually so sure of it that when he did leave me three days later, I didn’t fully understand what had happened. Not only did I not see him for those three days after spending every day together for the entire 3 months we were dating, but he broke up with me through a text message while he was cheating on me with his ex.

I was devastated. I had never told a guy that I loved them before and I had told him which I know sounds stupid because we only dated for 3 months, but when I say I was so sure and confident in ‘us’, I mean it. For the first time in my life, I saw my whole life clearly laid out with this person for better or worse and that was OK with me. The next month, I was a wreck. The fact that I had to raise a child on my own and how he left me killed me day by day as I looked into the mirror and saw just how not OK with either fact I was. Then one day, it just clicked. I loved my baby, even if I had never wanted to have children before. This child was mine and mine alone, and all the confidence I had in my relationship with the father pooled over to our child.

I regulated my schedule. I cooked 3 meals a day at my house for my sister’s kids. I read baby books and looked up preschools and daycares. I was prepared to raise this baby on my own, and if one day he chose to come back and be a part of our child’s life, then he could do that as long as he knew that he couldn’t come in and out as he pleased. Instability like that is not good for kids. After that first month apart, we didn’t speak again until November. I got a random text one day demanding when he was going to get to see and hear about his baby and I ignored it. Then I got one from his mom saying we needed to work this out and I couldn’t refuse her. She will probably never get another grandchild and she loves children. No matter how stupid her son is, she’s a good woman and deserves this. Well, that meeting went well and the father wanted to spend time just hanging out playing black ops since we used to play modern warfare together (mostly for zombies). Well, I ended up spending the night but we didn’t sleep together though we did wake up in each other’s arms. After a few days of hanging out and another sleepover without sex, we started sleeping together again and he was telling me he loved me again and that he wanted to be here for the baby and me and do the right thing….Three days of him telling me this and I gave in and started telling him how much I love him and how much I had missed him.

For a month, we lived together and had a few fights that we worked out. Then out of nowhere, he wanted a night alone aka without me so he could have his buddies over so they could smoke and drink without me ruining his fun. I agreed because I figured he deserved a bit of a break after trying so hard and doing so well on such short notice. I’ve only seen him once since then and that was two and a half weeks ago. For the first week, I was understanding if not a little paranoid and overly attached to him. We got into more fights that he kept walking away from which is so easily done when we’re fighting through texts and IMs. I’m not convinced he loves me anymore. It was so easy to believe him when he told me what I wanted to hear. So a week ago, I sent him a message telling him exactly how I feel and that he doesn’t have to be with me to be the father, but if he wants to be with me, he has to do a lot better then he’s been doing in the trying department and making me feel secure in our relationship. We continued to speak regularly all week, but he was doing the same things and when I had finally gotten him into a real conversation where he was telling me things, he stops our conversation mid topic and says I’m getting into the car and can’t talk and drive (it’s 1am btw) and I don’t hear from him for 4 hours. And one of the first things he said to me was I’m tired and going to bed soon, just so you know. So I just said goodnight and the next night when I asked him about it, he just ignored me so I told him I was done waiting for him and I haven’t spoken to him in two days. Except once in a moment of weakness where I wanted to share something with him, knowing he’d appreciate it and hoping he’d respond, and to reply to his happy New Year that came a noon the next day…..

Now I’m stuck in love with him again. My sleeping cycle is all messed up, and since he never got the information for the hall from his father for the baby shower next month (Forgot to mention all week he was supposed to get the dates the hall was available and the address from his father so I could make out the baby shower invitations and even after seeing his father twice, he got nothing), I don’t know what I’m going to do because I fear I’m going to fall for him over and over again and things will never change. We’re going to ruin our child’s life if I can’t be strong enough to continue to tell him no, and I’m having a hard enough time trying not to talk to him at the moment, let alone denying him anything. It’s seriously pathetic and I know this, but I keep hoping in my head if I just ignore him long enough, maybe he’ll miss me and come back. At the same time, if he doesn’t, it’ll give me the time I need to get over him again. I love my baby more then him, but I can let myself be weak in front of him where I can’t with my baby.

I’m due in 2 months and I’m at a loss as to what to do…