There is no pleasant way to start off this story…but it’s a story I’m willing to share. I’m 23 years old, a second-year college student and basically a single mother. I say that because my boyfriend and I don’t live together and we’re forever on and off. My son just turned three this August. He means the world to me, and being pregnant with him was the best choice I ever made.

However, I learned in March of this year, I was pregnant again. It wasn’t planned or expected. I had mixed feelings about it, more because I didn’t see having a second child being part of my plan at the moment. It was mid-terms and I was crammed with work and morning sickness.  I didn’t have a clue about what to do, or how I’d be able to handle everything. My supposed boyfriend was unreliable, rude, always negative, and had to be told when to change his son, when to feed him, and when to bathe him. It was overwhelming. I confided with my Bible study group, and they wanted me to go through with having the baby. But I didn’t see it happening for me. I chose not to. On March 23rd, I had an abortion. It was the hardest thing for me to do. All I wanted to do was forget and wish I hadn’t gone down that road. I found out later that 3 of my friends were pregnant, but carried out their pregnancy. Two of them just had their babies. while visiting them a part of me tenses up. I long to hold their child and think, “If I had gone through with my pregnancy…This would be me”

There are days I tear up and nights that I cry and wish I could change what I did. I feel like a murderer. I feel like a hypocrite because I was that person who always said no to abortion. I cry to God and say how are you going to forgive me for such a sin, to commit a murder to a child that was blessed to me and I threw him or her away.

This week, I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I am pregnant yet again. Twice in ONE year!!! All I can think right now is how can I be so stupid? How did I land myself in this hot mess…again?  Only this time, there is a twist to the story…The father could be my long-time boyfriend (my son’s father) or my high school flame that can’t seem to die. My boyfriend doesn’t know, but my flame does. How the hell am I supposed to randomly drop it into our everyday lives, and say oh by the way…I’m pregnant and you may not be the father. I feel terrible and very much like a whore because I don’t know which is the father….All I think and see is that if I have this baby, I’m ruining everyone’s lives.  I don’t want to have another abortion, I don’t want to ruin anyone’s lives more than I already have. But I mean in a way it’s already too late because I was screwing around.  I admit my mistakes and feel my shame, but which is the best solution…? Go through with killing another one of my children or raising two children on my own? I am not afraid of doing it alone, it’s more that I fear I won’t be a good mother for both of them…

To be continued…