About a month or so ago, I had been throwing up and not feeling well for three weeks. My period has never been regular so I didn’t think anything of it when it was late, I thought that I was really sick so I went to see my doctor only to find out that I had been so sick because I was pregnant. Right now, I’m approximately 14 weeks, but not completely sure. My doctor did not want me to have an ultrasound until I had made my decision as she didn’t want it to affect what I chose to do. I decided I needed to set myself a deadline. So I called and made an abortion appointment so I would know when I had to make my decision by.
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half and have been living together for 8 months. He says he supports whatever decision I make and will be here for me, but he also thinks that I should get an abortion. I am Catholic so I have always been raised to be against abortion, but now that I am in the situation I really don’t know what I should do, I don’t want to have an abortion because I’m really scared and I don’t want to do it and then regret it right after because I will regret it for the rest of my life. If I keep the baby, I’m just afraid I won’t be able to give them the life they deserve, but I don’t know if I could not have it at the same time
I am still considering adoption if I do go through with my pregnancy, but I am really afraid that I will change my mind. I know I could only handle an open adoption, and I know I do have the time to change my mind right after, but I don’t want to hurt the family who was going to adopt my baby, I really need some advice and I don’t have much longer to make a decision, only a few days left. But I was wondering if anyone out there had any advice, if they’ve been in my situation before, and how maybe how their decision affected them.
It really is such a major and hard decision. And I just can’t get my thoughts together. They’re just all over the place
I know everyone always says you’re too young to be in love, and I always say it to people my age too. But this guy…
I’ve known him since the beginning of 7th grade. We dated all school year and created a lot of feelings for each other. In the summer, it didn’t last cuz my mom wouldn’t let me out of the house. He broke up with me and this girl got into him and she kept trying to get sex from him and they did. And all of 8th grade, they dated on and off and he didn’t really care for her, but I guess he was really looking for sex, Well, now she is pregnant and due in September. He regrets everything, and I was the only girl he’s ever dated that he hasn’t used for sex.
I know he loves me but most people just don’t get it.
So here’s my story.
It was maybe 1 week before my birthday, December 16th. I was supposed to get my period maybe 2 weeks prior, and there was still nothing. My boyfriend of 10 months at that time gave me my Christmas, birthday, and 10-month anniversary gift. It was a ring turquoise gem with two diamonds on the side. We knew I was pregnant, we just didn’t really wanna talk about it. I was 15. he was 16, turning 17 in January. But after New Year’s came, I still didn’t have my period, so I took a pregnancy test. Well, it was positive. The only person I told was my boyfriend. He was the only person I could trust. My parents, well, let’s say they would not have been very supportive if they knew I was pregnant when I was.
We both decided to have an abortion. We talked about it for days, thinking about our options. We were way too young to have a baby. I couldn’t even take care of myself at that point. How was I supposed to carry a baby for 9 months and then take care of it? Adoption, we never talked about it. My father would have abused me if he found out I was pregnant. Well, he would have taken it into his own hands. That was never an option. I wouldn’t do that to my child. I wouldn’t tell it I’m gonna give it to a nice family when it could die, when it could have brain damage from the times my father hit me when I didn’t even know I was pregnant. Abortion was our only option, the only reasonable option for us at that time. I believed in reincarnation but also hoped that someday, when I’m ready to have kids, he would pick me to be his mother. I’ll explain why I called the baby a he later.
So we went to the clinic. I had to skip a lot of classes at my school which was also Catholic, I might add. By the time the day was arriving, everyone at school knew. Of course, we denied we were pregnant and having an abortion. The day of the operation, I don’t remember much. I was terrified and in pain. They gave me a pill that made me dilate to about 5cm. I think it was so they could get the tube in. Oh, how I had the worst cramps due to that pill. The hospital had a therapist who came in. She specializes in women dealing with abortion. We talked and I told her my main concern is that my parents don’t find out. I don’t even remember if I said goodbye or sorry to that child. I can’t remember. Before I knew it, I was in the surgery room. They don’t put you under, you’re awake. The nurses were really nice. They held my hand and told me it was OK. All I remember is the worst pain imaginable. it was only 5 mins, but it felt like 5 hours. I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m not gonna tell anyone it was easy and pain-free because it wasn’t. I think I blacked out after it was over because I woke up in my room again. My boyfriend being worried about me was amazing. All I remember him saying is that he loved me and he was proud of me for being so strong, and then he put the ring he gave me on my finger again. He helped me so much, I can’t even describe it. Oh and by the way, don’t bring light pads when you go bring real ones you bleed a lot. I’m telling my story yes but if anyone who is reading this is considering having an abortion. I’m not gonna lie to you it’s painful but in my case, it was worth it.
After about a week, of course, my sister knew it was true and stuff and so did my best friend at the time. They kinda pressured me into telling my mom, biggest mistake ever. She was upset and disappointed, but kinda understood. And I appreciate that, but the day before she knew I had an abortion, she told me whoever has an abortion is gonna burn in hell and she would hate anyone who had an abortion, she’s Christian. But the big mistake is that my mom wanted to tell my dad: my alcoholic, bi polar, abusive father. She said that she couldn’t lie to him. He was her partner even though he tried to beat her every night but I never let him. See, my mom is 4 11″, really small. I always provoked my dad so he wouldn’t beat my mother. Instead, he beat me. Of course before all this even started, my sister would go to her friend’s house, maybe a 20 min bike ride away because we live in the country, but its a 5 min car ride to their house. But anyways, I was always the one who get beat. That’s the reason I couldn’t go through with adoption, maybe not even keeping the baby. My father found out and oh was it bad. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room even to go outside for a walk. Mind you we live in the country. Where would I go? Walk 10 hours to the city? I was basically being starved to death. My friend said I could go live with her for a month or so just until it blows over and stuff. My boyfriend was there through it with me, but he lived in the city and I couldn’t call him or text him. So he didn’t really know what was going on until Monday came and I skipped class to go tell him. He flipped. He said I couldn’t go back there and luckily his mom was kind enough to let me stay there.
I’ve lived there for 2 years. I have no contact with my parents, only with my sister who is now in university. But after a while i started to have dreams. Dreams about a little boy that looked so much like my boyfriend when he was a kid. But this kid was about the same age that my child would have been if we had kept him. He would always have a red ball and throw it across a field and run after it and i would run after him but could never catch him. I know what that interprets but. After about a year after i had the abortion i was clinically depressed, not knowing it at the time, but i missed a lot of school no matter how much i slept i still felt tired. its been maybe a year and a half and I didn’t know i was depressed until recently maybe 2 months ago and see I didn’t have a family doctor so i signed up for one, I still haven’t gotten a call but i found another doctor and was able to get medication. But these dreams ive been having is this childs way of saying hes alright i guess and he forgives me because recently in my dreams he comes uo to hug me because im always crying in my dream and he tells me everything will be alright. And you know what it will but right now it doesnt feel like it. I do regret having the abortion, and although it hurts i know time will mend it but i believe it will take a lifetime to deal with. its not an easy desicion its not the “easy” way out its probably the hardest of the three options. I just want to say son i love you and i hope you will have a better life wether its with me or another family.
Mommy loves you sweetheart xox
June 16th, I found out I was pregnant.
At first, I was a little happy, sad, and confused all in one. I was nervous. It was exactly 2 weeks before my 20th birthday. I told my boyfriend. We both came to the conclusion that neither one of us were ready to be parents. I was 6 weeks and 6 days along. So June 26th, I was scheduled to get started the first part of the procedure. (It was 2 parts: I did the abortion pill). As I was sitting in the room talking to the doctor, all I could hear was my baby saying “Mommy, don’t do it” or maybe it was my conscience. Either way, I didn’t listen to it and I swallowed the pill. I so regret doing that. I swear I wanted to get up and run out of there and keep the seed that I had in me. The next day when I took the 2nd n final pill… That was the worst pain I had ever been in, both physically and emotionally. The mere thought of flushing MY baby down the toilet hurt so much.
It’s been 17 days since the procedure and I feel so low right now. This is by far the lowest I have ever felt. This is not how I planned on spending my summer, all down and depressed. And the worst part about it is that my boyfriend isn’t even here to console me. Neither was he there on the day of the procedure or the next day. And that just makes it so much worse because I feel like I’m alone right now and I hate feeling this way. Every day, I think about the decision I made and I regret it from the bottom of my heart.
On 6/27, my baby went to heaven.
Okay, I was bitten by our dog a while ago. I’m 90% sure I’m pregnant because I’m delayed in my period. 🙁 Then I have many symptoms already. 🙁
The doctor asked me if I’m pregnant because she will give me a medicine that is not allowed for pregnant girls. 🙁 But unfortunately, I said NO, I’m not pregnant. 🙁 Cuz I was with my auntie and grandma. 🙁 What should I do?! The medicine is for my wounds. 🙁 The baby is like 17 days in my stomach already. 🙁
If the baby will die inside of me, what should I do?! Do I need the cleaning? My boyfriend is the only one who knows that I’m prego. :(((((( HELP! :((((
To you my unborn child, my son
so much I need to say.
To let you know where I was at on your dying day.
I was so full of fear myself, incapable to see.
That giving life to you, my son, was my responsibility
A child myself, I didn’t know the options that I had.
So I made the choice to let you die although my heart was sad.
My parents had forsaken me, disowned me as their own.
I couldn’t handle another way, for I was all alone.
The nightmare of that day, my son, it lingers deep inside.
For along with you, my child, a part of me has died.
Your father put a ring on my finger and told me I was brave.
He told me he would love me till the day we went away.
You’re the child that I never held, who never got to live.
Who never got to feel inside the love I had to give.
The son your father never knew,
The grandson his parents lost.
Young child I was, and you, you paid the cost.
People say that you’ll forget, that time will heal the ache.
But I carry the burden of you, my son, the child I did forsake.
Love you sweetheart xoxox
