October 17th 2009 was my baby’s due date. It has been a year and the wounds seem to stay fresh. I think they will never fully heal. If I can do ANYTHING positive from this regretful decision is that my story can help someone else choose the right choice.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 19. My boyfriend and I had been together only 6 months. When I asked him how to approach our parent’s about the situation he told me that we had other options. My heart sank, and I knew that I was not strong enough to go through this alone…so I did the unthinkable. We planned for an abortion.
I don’t need to go into the details of the process itself, other than that it is a scarring and painful memory I will never forget. As soon as I took the first pill I regretted the decision and tried making myself throw up but it was too late. After the horrible experience, once it was all over…I felt numb, lost, alone. I felt the darkness overtake my life and I was left without a reason to live. I wanted to end it all. I dropped out of school, quit my job, didn’t shower for months, I lost a lot of weight, I didn’t do anything but stay in my boyfriend’s bed all day and night. I was severely depressed and I just didn’t care about anything anymore.
I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. How can I take an innocent life away? My OWN flesh and blood? Why did no one tell me how hard this would be? I kept thinking about my baby’s smile, his/her eyes, kept thinking if it would look more like me or his/her father. I still think about it. Now that I have friend’s of my own having children I hold their babies and can’t help but to think of my child. God, how I wish I can turn back time and just know how it feels to hold him/her. Tell my baby everyday how much I love him/her, how I’ll keep him/her safe for the rest of my life. I never got a chance to, and I only hope that my baby knows that I did love them very much, that if I could give my own life to save theirs I would in a heartbeat. The inability to fix anything is torturous.
My boyfriend and I broke up last year, a week before our baby’s supposed due date. We have been seeing each other on and off, but I think we both carry that pain within ourselves. I know we love each other deeply, and this can eventually work…but we need to communicate about what happened. It’s like its an unspoken subject that neither one of us knows how to bring up. I just want to ask him to hold me and let me cry when all I can think about is our baby. How can I do that without affecting him?
All I know is, I’m going to spend the rest of my life thinking about my baby and how old he/she would have been and what they would be studying or doing. I’ve finally come to peace within myself, I know God forgives me…the hardest part was forgiving myself, and it’s times like these that I have to start from phase one again.
I lost myself, and who I was the day I decided to have an abortion.
I miss who I used to be, but I grew stronger and overall I’m a better person because of it.
My mission in life is to help any women going through a hard decision. The women who know they are pregnant and feel scared, alone, abandoned, and weak. They are NOT alone. Seek out advice from women who have had abortions and those who decided to keep their babies.
In the long run, keeping the baby may seem like the hardest decision…but no one speaks of the inevitable depression and everyday struggle of having to live with what you did when you have an abortion. There are NO moments of happiness like there would be if you have a baby and see them smile for the first time, or know the feeling of how much love you can have for someone you just held for the first time.
Think it through, and ask God to guide you, and LISTEN to your gut and heart. I chose to ignore ALL the signs, and here I am, regretting it every second.
Be strong, be a rolemodel to others, and be a great mother, cause I know you all have the potential to be.
I love you all, and I pray that no woman ever has to experience what I did, but if you do, or are currently going through it….I pray you learn to forgive yourself and come out stronger. You will all be in my prayers….for life, until the day that I die and am reunited with my little angel.
Happy Birthday My Love,
I Love You More than You Will Ever Know.