Life As I Knew It

This is the story of how my son came to be.

I was 19, he was 37, I thought that he was the one. He was my first and as I saw it, my last. It was only the second time that it had happened and I was indeed naive enough to believe that I wouldn’t get pregnant. One month later, I’m sitting in the bathroom, staring in disbelief at the array of positive pregnancy tests laid out before me, waiting for him to come home. He walks in the door, comes around the corner to see me, lying on the bed. He asks what’s wrong and all I can do is point to the bathroom. He was ecstatic. He ran into the bedroom, hugged me, and whispered, “Thank you.”

I, on the other hand, was not so ecstatic. I knew how my family was going to take the news. 19, unmarried, no college education, low-paying job, no permanent living situation, not really the ideal for a mother. I was eating dinner at my parent’s house one night and I just broke down at the kitchen table. My mother walked up to my room with me and asked what was wrong. I walked over to my purse and pulled out a Ziploc filled with the positive pregnancy tests. The moment my mother saw them, she sank to the bed next to me and started crying. After a few moments, she looked at me, patted my leg and said, “Honey, it’s alright, we’ll find the money to take care of it. No one will have to know.” Immediately my tears dried, my back stiffened and my eyes locked with my mother’s. All the sadness that I had inside for this abrupt change in my life morphed into disbelief at her comment, anger at her ignorance, and then determination to do the right thing.

My mother called family members to see if they could convince me to “take care of it.” All of them failed. I was determined to see this through. My family finally decided to give up, but not only on changing my mind, but on me too. My family walked away from me to let me live my life with the choice I had made. I had many doubts about the choice that I made. I ran over all of the options in my head and I wavered on if this was the right thing to do. There were options out there, why didn’t I just take them and pretend that life was normal again? These questions plagued me day in and day out.

A month later, I went into the bathroom and saw spotting. I brushed it off as a fluke. About an hour later, heavier spotting; then the floodgates opened. I called my mother and the baby’s father to let them know I was going to the emergency room; that I was having a miscarriage. I remember sitting in the hospital, praying and begging that God let me keep my baby. They brought me to the room for a sonogram. I lay there on the table watching the screen, waiting to see something that even resembled a baby. Nothing. I watched some more, then, there it was…my baby…They turned on the volume…there was heartbeat, beating in time with mine. The guilt of ever doubting that I was doing the right thing washed over me and I felt a pain inside like nothing I’d ever felt before. A second technician came into the room with a picture, they handed it to me. It was a beautiful, color print of my baby. I said, thank you, knowing that this would probably be the only link I would have to my child. They took me back to my room and the doctor explained that I was indeed having a miscarriage and that it would probably be wise if I just let them, “take care of it.” I cringed at that phrase I had heard so many times before. I refused. The doctor and my family urged me to do it so that I would not be in any danger myself. I didn’t care, as long as that baby had a heartbeat, it was still my choice and my choice was to take my chances and pray for the best. The doctor released me from the hospital, ordering bed rest until the completion of the miscarriage and asked me to come back in a few days to make sure that everything was okay.

A few days passed…then a week, then a month. My baby was still there, getting stronger and bigger every day. I went for a check up. They did another sonogram. There was no sign on bleeding, no sign of any damage, and no sign that there had ever been anything wrong. I was going to keep my baby.

The remainder of the pregnancy was no picnic for me, alternating periods of bed rest, Braxton hicks contractions, sciatica, nausea, whatever you can imagine, I went through. The baby’s father and I had long since broken up, but I was living in the basement of his house because I still couldn’t go back to my parent’s. My job and money situation hadn’t improved any. I started thinking again, “Did I do the right thing? Is this the kind of place to raise a child? Am I ready for this?” Then the day came when the real contractions hit. It was four weeks early. I went to my doctor. They immediately sent me to the hospital. I was terrified that I had made it this far and that something would go wrong, that he was going to be born early and wouldn’t make it. I went into labor that afternoon and early the next morning, I was laying in bed snuggling up next to my healthy, beautiful, perfect baby boy.

I named him Noah after Genesis 6:8…”But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.”

A rush of love

I went to the clinic for a consultant and my heart was pounding. Seeing my little buddle of joy on the screen, I had this rush of love for my baby. I used to talk to my baby and think of it 24/7 and I knew then I wanted it. I told my boyfriend and he said that it was fine. But things changed and I couldn’t let my family…so I booked an abortion.

Hey Becky! —

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past four months and after a month, we and sex for the first time… and the following month, I missed my period.

I told him and he was really supportive, but nobody else knew, not my mum or any member of my family. I went to the doctors who confirmed I was pregnant but I was upset. My mum has always said to me you will always have to have an abortion because you cannot have a baby at a young age and that was in my head all the time.

In a way, I didn’t wanna let her down. My boyfriend wanted me to get rid of the baby as well due to the fact that we was too young. I booked my abortion and I felt sick on the phone.

I went to the clinic for a consultant and my heart was pounding. Seeing my little buddle of joy on the screen, I had this rush of love for my baby. I use to talk to my baby and think of it 24/7 and I knew then I wanted it. I told my boyfriend and he said that it was fine. But things changed and I couldn’t let my family… So I booked an abortion.

As I’m sitting here writing you this I’m still feeling the pain inside me from my abortion. I was 7 weeks pregnant and would have been 8 weeks tomorrow. I had no pain relief and I felt every single movement. It was horrible but I was happy to take the pain of killing my own baby. I loved this baby with my heart and I really wanted it and 6 hours later, I’m regretting it.

If only I had told my mum. I’m an empty person inside and I cannot stop crying. Please let this letter help. Abortion is wrong and I’ll never go through with it again. I’ve lost my baby and my heart is broken and I’ll leave with this for the rest of my life.

Please Girls. Think of your baby and don’t do it.

Kirsty

Dearest Kirsty —

My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand Up Girl website with some of her e-mails.

Please forgive me for sending you this e-mail so late after you sent your e-mail, I wanted to be able to give my undivided attention and care in sending you this e-mail. My heart so breaks for you and I wanted to share with you. When I help Becky with e-mails, there are those certain special girls. You are one of those special girls.

Another reason why I’m replying to you is because … I understand your pain to the very depths of my soul. How? Because I also aborted my baby and regret to the very core of my being. May I share my story with you so you can know where I come from? This way, you can know you are not alone and the girl that is talking to you … also knows and has experienced the heartache you have today.

Here is a link back to the site where my story is:
http://standupgirl.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=74&Itemid=41

Kirsty – I know that deep pain and when you walk down the street, you hear a baby cry and your heart aches. You see a mommy loving on her baby and your very being cringes because you long for that feeling too.

Kirsty – your grief is very real and true and you have complete permission to experience it. I’m not giving you some sort of mind thing to do. It’s just that you need to grieve the loss of your baby. Crying is not only OK, it is necessary. Crying is a release. I know that you don’t want anyone to hear you. You want to be able to move on with your life as if it never happened. You and I both know and understand … We can’t just move on. You deserve that time and so does your baby. It’s truly OK.

Kirsty – it sounds like you are in another country – like the UK? I’m in the USA and I would love to refer you to a place where you can maybe find a nearby post-abortion group in your area. I went to a post abortion group for each of my 2 babies. I participated in a group and we completed a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran and I highly recommend it! Really I do. It is a wonderful tool of healing and it will bring you THROUGH the grief. It will allow you to put it away on the shelves of your heart … neatly and in order. Don’t do it like I did and wait over 10 years for the grief to build and mount to the point where I tried to find anything I could to relieve me. Drugs, men – anything. Please don’t do what I did.

Here is a link and maybe we can locate a post abortion group in your area.

Otherwise, let’s try to locate a “Forgiven and Set Free” book on line and get one to you. They are not expensive and I would love to see you get some healing. OK?

Please let me know if you do or don’t find anything in your area. OK?

Next is the step that I took and this is the most important one. You see Kirsty – I now have a relationship with Jesus Christ and He removed all of my guilt and shame. He can do that for you too. Do you know who He is? You probably already do, but do you have a personal relationship with Him? It’s really a cool thing and I just love having a personal relationship with Him. I can talk to Him any time and He is always with me. He forgave me of the sin of my abortion and in the Bible it tells me even though I have things in my life that made me as red as crimson, He has washed me and made me as white as snow.

Do you want to know how to have that relation ship with Him? I don’t share this with everyone that comes to the website. Only those that I feel like I have this special kind of place with.

All’s it takes is asking Him. That’s it! Can you believe how easy that is? If you believe that Jesus Christ came to earth as God in flesh, that He lived a perfectly sinless life here on earth, that He was born of the Virgin Mary and that He died on the cross to forgive you and me of our sins … woo hoo – then let’s take it. That’s a free gift that is being offered to you and to me. To wipe us clean from this sin in our lives.

Are you interested in doing this with me? I’ll say a prayer with you if you want. I tell you what. I’ll type the prayer and then I’ll read it out loud and I will say it in my heart too. If you want to, when you read it, if you mean it from your heart you can say it to yourself but to Him, or you can even say it out loud with me. K’?

“Dear Jesus, I thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, and rising
again on the third day. Please Lord, wipe me clean … as white as snow
like you said You would. And thank you. Please be my Lord, be my Savior
and be my Friend. I thank you that I am now a child of God and that I am
now forgiven and am going to heaven. It is in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen!”

Did you say that prayer with me? Did you cry like I did? Wow Kirsty! If you said that prayer … let me know. I’m so proud of you.

If you didn’t say that prayer, then that’s OK. Just save this e-mail for later in case you want to say it some other time. OK?

Just know that in any case, I’m right here. A new Stand Up friend that totally understands your heart. I’m here with a shoulder ready at any time.

OK?

OK. 🙂

Luv Lisa |

The first time

I told him and he was really supportive, but nobody else knew, not my mum or any member of my family. I went to the doctor’s who confirmed I was pregnant, but I was upset. My mum has always said to me you will always have to have an abortion because you cannot have a baby at a young age and that was in my head all the time.

Dear Becky —

Hey Becky! I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past four months and after a month, we had sex for the first time… and the following month, I missed my period.

I told him and he was really supportive but nobody else knew, not my mum or any member of my family. I went to the doctor’s who confirmed I was pregnant but I was upset. My mum has always said to me you will always have to have an abortion because you cannot have a baby at a young age and that was in my head all the time.

In a way, I didn’t wanna let her down. My boyfriend wanted me to get rid of the baby as well due to the fact that we was too young. I booked my abortion and I felt sick on the phone.

I went to the clinic for a consultant and my heart was pounding. Seeing my little buddle of joy on the screen, I had this rush of love for my baby. I use to talk to my baby and think of it 24/7 and I knew then I wanted it. I told my boyfriend and he said that it was fine. But things changed and I couldn’t let my family… So I booked an abortion.

As I’m sitting here writing you this, I’m still feeling the pain inside me from my abortion. I was 7 weeks pregnant and would have been 8 weeks tomorrow. I had no pain relief and I felt every single movement. It was horrible but I was happy to take the pain of killing my own baby. I loved this baby with my heart and I really wanted it and 6 hours later, I’m regretting it.

If only I had told my mum. I’m an empty person inside and I cannot stop crying. Please let this letter help. Abortion is wrong and I’ll never go through with it again. I’ve lost my baby and my heart is broken and I’ll leave with this for the rest of my life.

Please Girls. Think of your baby and don’t do it

Kirsty

Dearest Kirsty –

My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand Up Girl website with some of her e-mails.

Please forgive me for sending you this e-mail so late after you sent your e-mail, I wanted to be able to give my undivided attention and care in sending you this e-mail. My heart so breaks for you and I wanted to share with you. When I help Becky with e-mails, there are those certain special girls. You are one of those special girls.

Another reason why I’m replying to you is because … I understand your pain to the very depths of my soul. How? Because I also aborted my baby and regret to the very core of my being. May I share my story with you so you can know where I come from? THis way you can know you are not alone and the girl that is talking to you … also knows and has experienced the heartache you have today.

Here is a link back to the site where my story is:
http://standupgirl.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=74&Itemid=41

Kirsty – I know that deep pain and when you walk down the street you hear a baby cry and your heart aches, you see a mommy loving on her baby and your very being cringes because you long for that feeling too.

Kirsty – your grief is very real and true and you have complete permission to experience it. I’m not giving you some sort of mind thing to do. It’s just that you need to grieve the loss of your baby. Crying is not only OK, it is necessary. Crying is a release. I know that you don’t want anyone to hear you. You want to be able to move on with your life as if it never happened. You and I both know and understand … we can’t just move on. You deserve that time and so does your baby. It’s truly OK.

Kirsty – it sounds like you are in another country – like the UK? I’m in the USA and I would love to refer you to a place where you can maybe find a nearby post abortion group in your area. I went to a post abortion group for each of my 2 babies. I participated in a group and we completed a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran and I highly recommend it! Really I do. It is a wonderful tool of healing and it will bring you THROUGH the grief. It will allow you to put it away on the shelves of your heart … neatly and in order. Don’t do it like I did and wait over 10 years for the grief to build and mount to the point where I tried to find anything I could to relieve me. Drugs, men – anything. Please don’t do what I did.

Here is a link and maybe we can locate a post abortion group in your area.

Otherwise, let’s try to locate a “Forgiven and Set Free” book on line and get one to you. They are not expensive and I would love to see you get some healing. OK?

Please let me know if you do or don’t find anything in your area. OK?

Next is the step that I took and this is the most important one. You see Kirsty – I now have a relationship with Jesus Christ and He removed all of my guilt and shame. He can do that for you too. Do you know who He is? You probably already do, but do you have a personal relationship with Him? It’s really a cool thing and I just love having a personal relationship with Him. I can talk to Him any time and He is always with me. He forgave me of the sin of my abortion and in the Bible it tells me even though I have things in my life that made me as red as crimson, He has washed me and made me as white as snow.

Do you want to know how to have that relation ship with Him? I don’t share this with everyone that comes to the website. Only those that I feel like I have this special kind of place with.

All’s it takes is asking Him. THat’s it! Can you believe how easy that is? If you believe that Jesus Christ came to earth as God in flesh, that He lived a perfecly sinless life here on earth, that He was born of the Virgin Mary and that He died on the cross to forgive you and me of our sins … woo hoo – then let’s take it. That’s a free gift that is being offered to you and to me. To wipe us clean from this sin in our lives.

Are you interested in doing this with me? I’ll say a prayer with you if you want. I tell you what. I’ll type the prayer and then I’ll read it out loud and I will say it in my heart too. If you want to, when you read it, if you mean it from your heart you can say it to yourself but to Him, or you can even say it out loud with me. K’?

“Dear Jesus, I thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, and rising again on the third day. Please Lord, wipe me clean … as white as snow like you said You would. And thank you. Please be my Lord, be my Savior and be my Friend. I thank you that I am now a child of God and that I am now forgiven and am going to heaven. It is in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen!”

Did you say that prayer with me? Did you cry like I did? Wow Kirsty! If you said that prayer … let me know. I’m so proud of you.

If you didn’t say that prayer, then that’s OK. Just save this e-mail for later in case you want to say it some other time. OK?

Just know that in any case, I’m right here. A new Stand Up friend that totally understands your heart. I’m here with a shoulder ready at any time.

OK?

OK. 🙂

Luv Lisa

His parents said …

One morning, I woke up and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I stayed home from school, thinking I just had the flu. I didn’t even think about being pregnant. It wasn’t until health class one day that I even thought about that possibility. We were talking about the symptoms women get when they are pregnant. I had some of the symptoms.

Dear Becky — Hi. I am 16 years old. I found out I was Pregnant about 6 months ago. I was really scared, but when I found your site, I got really excited. I read stories of girls my age that had kept their babies. I have decided to keep my baby. Without the father’s help.

Well, Here’s my story.

My friend was going out with my best guy friend. (I had a crush on him sense forever, but I always thought he looked at me as just a friend.)

Well, one night, they got into a huge fight and he came over to talk. I guess things just got out of control. One minute we were talking and the next we were taking off each other’s clothes. I know we shouldn’t have. I felt so horrible.

How could I do something that horrible to my friend? I had sex for the first time that night. We didn’t use protection.

He and I never talked about what happened. We never told her. They got back together the next day. Every time they were together, I would get really jealous. I had no right to be jealous but I was and I couldn’t help it.

Well, a month had passed and it seemed like everything was about back to normal between us again. One morning, I woke up and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I stayed home from school, thinking I just had the flu. I didn’t even think about being pregnant. It wasn’t until health class one day that I even thought about that possibility. We were talking about the symptoms women get when they are pregnant. I had some of the symptoms.

I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. It was Positive. I cried myself to sleep that night. I had sex ONE TIME and I got pregnant. I felt like I was being punished.

I called the next day and told him. I was crying the whole time. He kept saying he was sorry over and over again. He told her the next day. They broke up and she hasn’t talked to either of us sense. I don’t blame her. Look as what we did.

We told our parents. His parents said I should get an abortion. They were so mad at us. I even thought about abortion. I set up an appointment and everything. But I couldn’t go through with it. I don’t believe in it. It would go against every thing I believe in. I was looking online at baby things and I found your site. I read some girls’ stories and I decided to keep my baby.

We were together as much as possible at first. But then we started fighting. He goes out drinking with his friends all the time now. We don’t talk much anymore. I don’t want to raise my child on my own, but I will if I have to.

I will name my baby Lily Marie if it is a girl and Lee Jordan if it is a boy. I am 7 months along and I am getting really nervous about having my baby. But I know I can do it.

Rae

Dearest Rae – I’m Lisa and I am from the Stand Up Girl website.

I have to tell you as I am beginning my response to you … I am almost speechless! You are truly a Stand Up Girl and I am so happy that you did not choose to abort as his parents had wanted you to do. This is their grandbaby and there will come a day when everyone will see your baby and everyone will fall in love.

But in the meantime you are Standing strong and I am so very proud of you!

The names you chose for your baby are absolutely beautiful! Perfect!

Please know, you do not Stand alone, Rae! Keep coming back to our website and read about more stores of girls like you.

I truly believe that your story will also encourage another girl … just like the stories on our site have encouraged you.

I’m sure your story will also touch someone out there … someone who just needed to read your story to be encouraged!

Thank you for your e-mail.

Luv Lisa

I felt like I could not breathe

I got there and sat in the waiting room with the millions of other girls sitting there alone and by themselves.  But I wasn’t alone I had my boyfriend there, and I still felt as alone as ever.  I felt like cattle or something.  I went into the room by myself and got my ultra sound the lady handed me the picture and I started to cry and cry.  I saw that little baby and it didn’t matter if we were ready or not.  It’s not that little baby’s fault.  I felt like I could not breathe and …

Dear Becky — It was a month after my eighteenth birthday I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend suggested that we go to the abortion clinic. That it was something that we needed to do because we were not ready to have a baby. I agreed and at around 2 months we went.

I got there and sat in the waiting room with the millions of other girls sitting there alone and by themselves. But I wasn’t alone I had my boyfriend there, and I still felt as alone as ever. I felt like cattle or something. I went into the room by myself and got my ultra sound the lady handed me the picture and I started to cry and cry. I saw that little baby and it didn’t matter if we were ready or not. It’s not that little baby’s fault. I felt like I could not breathe and I wanted more then anything to just get out of there. I went out to the waiting room where my boyfriend was waiting and ran to him crying. I showed him the picture and said “look, parents are supposed to protect their babies, not kill them”. He agreed and said that whatever I wanted he would be okay with. We left and went home and showed our parents. They were mad, my mom wanted me to go to college and thought my life would be over. I had her last January- her first birthday and first Christmas is coming soon. She is my little angel and she has brought more Joy to my life then I could ever imagine. I can’t image my life without her and I feel horrible that her life was almost ended and she wouldn’t be here with us. We are a family and I’m going to college. Things work out for the best. It makes me cry to just think about it. I am her mommy and I have protected her from the moment I walked out of that place and will protect her for the rest of her life, exactly what a mommy is supposed to do.

Joy

Dearest Joy — I type this letter to you with tears in my eyes and I am so very touched by your story!  Your story so touched my heart and I was overjoyed at the turn of events that took place.  The choice for life that you made.

I truly believe that many girls will be able to identify with your story – before they even decide to go to the clinic.

I bet your mom is a proud grandma now.  Joy – thank you so very much for sharing your wonderful story with me.  It really made my day!

Luv Lisa