My story is long. I could tell you all the facts, the “supposed” reasons why it was logical to go through with the abortion. My age and circumstance in the end will not matter. I can say my fear and confusion and pressure from others was the same felt as most of us before we decided to have the abortion. What I will say is that I cannot go a day ( really no more than a couple hours) without feeling the pain in my heart, the ache and the longing for someone that was in my life and now is gone. Knowing I chose that will mess with your mind forever. It will not go away.
Random tears at the sight of a mother and child will happen. That is a certainty. Anger and self-hate will be yours on frequent occasion too. Oh and don’t forget that every month remembering that first time you found out that you were pregnant and that secret joy that you weren’t supposed to have will be mixed with memories of cramping and the blood that you saw after your baby was violently taken from your body.
Oh did I remember to tell you that if you are fortunate to have children present or future that you will never be able to look in their eyes without wondering what your unborn child’s eyes would have looked like, their smell, what their skin would have felt like. Your arms will always feel empty. I know God forgives and He still loves me. I don’t think I am an awful person unworthy of love. I get along in my life, go to work, love many, laugh often. But if you asked me who I am… I would have to say I am a sad, sad woman who would give anything to change the decision I made on that July 9th. I want my baby back, I want to feel my baby back in my belly, grow inside me and kick me. I want to see that child of mine grab their toes as babies do, smile that gum-less baby smile, fall asleep in my arms, grow to be a beautiful child, grow to be a wonderful being in this world. I want my baby back.