It has been a year, four months, and ten days since I had my abortion.

There is not a day that goes by without it running through my mind. My baby would be turning 1 this summer and all I can think about is how I will never feel it again. I will never touch my baby, smell my baby, or hear my baby. I was 15  weeks when I went through with the worst choice I have ever made. My boyfriend tells me that I should get over it but I don’t know how to. I was so against abortions I thought that they were the worst thing a person could do and here I am, one of those people. I have resorted to cutting like I did when I was a kid. It’s the only way I feel like I can live with myself, like I deserve to feel the pain, not only on the inside but also on the outside. I feel like no one understands what I feel, like I am alone. Not only do I feel alone, I feel like I am going to go to hell for what I did. One of the first things my boyfriend said to me after I had the abortion was that God looks down upon these sorts of things. The only reason I had the abortion was because my boyfriend left me with our two other kids, telling me that I was not allowed to keep it and that I was not allowed to give it to my aunt, who was happy to take care of it for me. He threated to kill me if I did keep it. We broke up for a while but then we got back together. I feel that, in the last year, I have made some of the worst decisions in my life.

I have no one to talk to about any of these feelings. When I try to, all I am told is how bad of a choice it was or that I need to get over it. I don’t want to get over it. I want to take it back.