Why did I do it?

I was 17.  He was 20. We had been together roughly 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. The first thing out of his mouth was 'we'll go to Chrischurch in the weekend' (the closest city to us that did terminations). I told him it wasnt that easy, we had to go through the doctor and arrange the termination through the hospital (in New Zealand terminations are free, as all medical treatment is).

What hurt the most was that he never asked if I ws ok or what I wanted to do. He just said what he said then walked out of the room. I went to the doctor and arranged it all. But it was harder than I thought, my aunty was the abortion councellor for my city and all abortions are arranged by her..I had to wait till she went on holiday the next week and arrange it through her receptionist, which in turn meant I couldnt go for councelling.

 So two weeks later when I was 11 weeks and 6 days we drove to ChCh. I usually get car sick n long journeys but my mind was so lost and in another world that I ws fine the entire way there.

 My boyfriend and I arrived after midnight and checked into the arranged hotel. I didnt sleep a wink all night I just ay awake holding my tummy.

I never really talked to anyone about what I wanted to do, I just went along with the first suggestion.

 The termination didnt hurt. What hurt was when they gave me the pill to soften my cervix nd allow it to dialate, the nurse told me that once I took this, there was no going backa nd if I decided not to go through with it that the pill would cause my baby to be born with bone deformities and so on. I cried holding that pill in one hand and with my other hand rubbing my tummy, almost as if I was saying goodbye. My boyfriend didnt even look up at me as I cried.

 I swallowed it. I said goodbye. I followed the nurse into the cold white strile room. She lay me on the bed…….

 …….I walked back to my room….bleeding, the nurse told me to lie back on my bed. I asked her if I could have something for the blood, she denied and said I had to lie there for 30mins, then I would be allowed to get up and go to the toilet to 'fix myself up' as she so kindly put it.

Afterwards the nurse asked my boyfriend to walk me around the garden to get some fresh air. I felt fine and we drove home a few hours later. They call it a 'day procedure'. It may only take a day as they put it but it scares a life time.

My partner and I are still together, and it took him two years to finally admit to me that he was wrong and the choice we made was wrong and that he was sorry and he too thought of what our baby would have been like.

Everyday I think about the baby I so mercilessly let die. My baby. My love. My own little Love.