This is why I joined the site… ( I am aware this is very long btw lol)

I’m fourteen years old, I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything and I know he feels the same, and I thought I might be pregnant.  Please don’t judge me, I don’t smoke or do drugs. I very rarely drink and it’s never behind my parents back and I never get drunk.  I live alone with my mum and I see my dad on weekends, they haven’t been together since before I was born, although I know it wasn’t because of me coming along… My mum was 29 when she had me and my dad was 30 or 31, I forget, and I know they love me very much.  My mum has always been very overprotective and wasn’t happy about me seeing my boyfriend as he is in the year above me.  During the summer she stopped caring because she got a new boyfriend and she just didn’t pay any attention to me as she was so smitten with her new lover, although they only lasted a few months after he treated her badly ruined our holiday and she found out he had some strange mental disorders… By this point I’d had sex with my boyfriend, but we were safe and with us both losing our virginity then we kinda failed a bit lol. 

During the summer holidays we’d seen each other almost everyday and we got closer and closer, he never pressured me into anything, he always respected me and I found we were still doing things together although we didn’t have sex again.  I used to lie to my mum and tell her I was going out to the park when I would really sneak round his house, at the time I didn’t care, I was mad at her for clinging to me and not letting me go out before she got her boyfriend, and then suddenly just dropping, me as if I was nothing, when she met him.  The thought of betraying her almost made me feel even better, I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but at the time I couldn’t help feeling like that.  Although, I must say, the reason I did do stuff with him was because I loved him, not because I wanted to rebel. 

 A while after she broke up with Paul (her bf) she finally started getting used to the idea of me and Joel .  She used to let me go round on the condition his mum was in.  I agreed, although it didn’t stop me saying she was in when she wasn’t.   He came to mine aswell, but my mum would sit upstairs and make me keep my door open so we could never do anything at my house, which is why I tried to go round his more often.  It’s not like we were sex crazed teens or anything, we just liked to have the option there. 

Anyway, right at the end of December, either just after Christmas or just before, I was with Joel at his house. His mum had just gone out which left us an hour or two alone.  We were just messing around like always but then things went a bit further. We were just in the moment and he put it in for like 10 seconds.  We stopped after that but then we decided to have sex. He said he would pull out and at the time neither of us knew about pre-cum and stuff so I agreed and we had  sex. Things were fine.  I had my period about a week later on the exact day I was due.  His birthday was on the 6th of January and still unaware that pulling out was very unreliable,  we made plans to do it again.  It was strange, almost like we were meant to. Firstly I was still on for about two days, and I sat praying I would finish early, which I did, the night before I went round. Two days early. Then when I was there his mum dragged his little brother out which left us alone. Well, it would have if his older brother hadn’t asked for the night off work and surprised us… Then suddenly Joel’s mam rang and told him to go out and leave us alone (I reckon she knows what we get up to, but Joel insists that she just trusts him :P)  Anyway… Again we had sex…

Everything was fine til about 2 days after when I started feeling weird.  Not sick or headachey, just weird.  I’d told Joel and he came out with

‘OMG! Do you think you might be pregnant?!’

My heart skipped a beat.  I seriously started to panic.  After that I started feeling sick and getting really bad gas and heart burn.  My stomach started to swell up really big and I felt really tired.  The worst was, I had a month to wait til I was due to get my period. I spent that entire month doing nothing but worrying.  I researched it so many times, and the more I did the more worried I got. 

At first abortion crossed my mind but only slightly, I had a feeling Joel would be against it I don’t know why exactly.  As time went on the thought of having the baby got harder and more scary, I told Joel that I didn’t know if I could cope with it all and he suggested we didn’t have it… At the time I was so messed up and scared that I agreed.  I didn’t even know if there was definitely  a baby inside me and I was already making plans to kill it.

I read into it online and found out how long it would take to organise an abortion, how long I had to get it sorted out and all that stuff… I was seriously worried. 

Eventually I got my period.  It was about a day or two shorter than normal and I’d read about how women could still have periods during their pregnancy so I was still unconvinced.  I decided to wait for my next period to see if that was normal before doing anything else.  As I waited I started to think about what could have been growing inside me.  After thinking a lot I decided I couldn’t get rid of it.  The thought of killing an innocent little baby that had done nothing wrong and deserved a chance at life made me feel sick.

I told Joel this and he didn’t take it well.  He kept saying how he didn’t think we were ready.  Of course we weren’t ready! I was 14 and he had just turned 16! What teens that age are ever really ready to have a baby? That wasn’t the point… They still went through with it and brought their little foetus into the world as a full grown baby.

We decided to not talk about it til we knew for certain.  My friend’s told me it was best to take a test rather than wait another month so they all came with me and two of them went to the counter and bought it for me.  There were two superdrug tests and I took one straight after we bought them.

Negative.

I tried not to panic and we shopped while we waited til I could pee again lol

Right before end of our trip we went up to the loos again and I took the test.

Again.

Negative.

At first I felt relieved. But I still had a load of symptoms and again I was panicking like crazy.  My stomach was getting even bigger and I found myself turning to God, which is strange for me.  I was still convinced I was pregnant and determined I was gonna keep the baby, although Joel was still against it.  We had fallings out and everything started to get awkward.  At school I had a break down and also the week before I bought my tests, a rumour went round that I was pregnant, and I had to lie to my teachers to have it stopped. Which was awful because they were really nice teachers that I liked and they kept telling me how they believed me and how sensible I was. The guilt killed me. My head of year even “forgot” to ring my mum to buy me some time, and then lied about seeing another teacher about it so he wouldn’t have to inform my parents  cos I was so worried about how my mum would react to the “rumour”.

Anyway… I got my next period again, although I still thought I was pregnant. It normally lasts 5-7 days and this one barely made 4 which made me worried.  I ended up talking to my stomach every night. Promising it that I would do whatever I had to to protect it. 

A few weeks ago my friend took me to a clinic.  I stayed at hers and we went to Stockton to get things sorted out.  When we first got there I was terrified cos the person that answered the door had a son in  my year at school and lived in the same road as my nana ( I was really really close with my nana and there almost everyday).  I ran away from the clinic and Becca (My friend) ended up dragging me back while I cried.  I went and talked to the nurse who assured me that Jane (The woman who let me in) couldn’t tell anyone without breeching the copyright thing,although tbh I don’t think she even recognised me lol.

The nurse, Leslie, gave me a cup to pee in and showed me the bathroom.  I came back in and she stuck a test in it. While she waited for the results she asked me some questions.  She was very nice and very understanding and I was very glad I’d faced my fear and finally gone.  She checked the test and said it was negative, which provided a much better relief than the tests I’d taken as she knew what she was doing and had given me a better test.  We then discussed better contraception and things…

Anyway… This is my story and a big thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read it considering how long it is lol

Although I’m not as convinced as I was, there is still a small chance I am, but I feel so much better knowing that I have an adult to speak to now since I’ve signed up with the clinic. Most of my symptoms have cleared up now, which just goes to show how much the mind can play tricks cos I would have bet my life that I was pregnant last month.  I strongly advise anyone who’s worired about being pregnant get to a clinic as soon as you can, I know it can be hard, I had to do a lot of planning to find a day I could get away with it, but in the long run it’s worth it, having someone who can actually help to talk to can really make a big difference.

If anyone wants to talk or anything I’m here whenever I can be, and also feel free to add me on msn at su********@ho*****.uk although I’m not on a lot.

I know how scary things can be, just know that you’re never alone in this, and no matter what, it’s your baby and your body! Listening to advice is fine but never let anyone force you into anything, always stick up for yourself, if you want to have the baby then don’t let anyone force you into abortion, however if you want to have an abortion and have thought it through then don’t let anyone tell you you’re a horrible person, not everyone is in a position to bring up a child and if you feel you can’t do it then it’s your choice. Just make sure you think things through first 🙂 

Any questions just ask 😉 xxxx Remember…

Love Caitlin  xxx <3