Dear Becky — I just wish I had found your website sooner. I was too scared to look at anything on the internet incase my parents found out. I don’t really know where to begin. I suppose right at the very start. I’m seventeen now but when I was sixteen I was on holiday with a couple of friends in June where I had unprotected sex with a guy I met. I know how stupid it was…

Dear Becky,

I just wish I had found your website sooner. I was too scared to look at anything on the internet incase my parents found out. I don’t really know where to begin. I suppose right at the very start.

I’m seventeen now but when I was sixteen I was on holiday with a couple of friends in June where I had unprotected sex with a guy I met. I know how stupid it was but I wasn’t thinking straight. I knew straight away that I was pregnant. I just knew. Something had changed about my whole being. And I was happy… My friends encouraged me to take the morning after pill and I did. But when my period still hadn’t come a week later I knew it hadn’t worked. I didn’t say anything about this to anyone. Just kept it my little secret.

Everyone who I had told had assumed that everything was fine and that the little pills had worked. When I did tell them, they were shocked and made me do a pregnancy test. I didn’t need to do it though. There was no way that I couldn’t be pregnant. I took the test though, and although I knew what it would say I was still shocked and scared when the two blue lines came up.

That night was the only night I mentioned my thoughts on keeping my baby. I never mentioned it again because I felt like they thought I was stupid for considering it. I was only sixteen. They only ever talked about the negative side of things. How much hard work it would be, how I would have to forget about university the next year and about how having a baby would ruin my life. No money, no social life. Just nappies and bottles. I didn’t think about it that way though. The way I saw it, I was bringing another person into the world, giving them a chance at life and selfish as it may be, making me very happy at other peoples expense.

I didn’t talk to my friends about it much simply because I didn’t like what they had to say. I kept into my own little world. I named my little girl Emma and came up with plans for how my life would change. I decided I would leave school and work until she was born. I knew what nappies I would use, where her cot would go and all these silly little things that meant so much to me.

Morning sickness came and unfortunately refused to leave everyday all day! My hormones were all over the place and I only had to look at a little baby picture and cry. Through all this I refused to tell my parents. And I still haven’t said anything to them. If they found out then they would have been so disappointed in me. They always said to me that I could come to them if something like this happened and they wouldn’t be angry or disappointed. But I know the truth.

Through these 9 weeks I turned 17. I felt like I would be able to cope with a baby. But still my friends kept saying one word to me. Abortion. I didn’t want to. But with so much pressure I went to see my doctor. As I live in Scotland, I didn’t need to organise an appointment at an abortion clinic and pay for it. I could have it done for free on the NHS. I didn’t know what this was going to involve. But I just wanted to get it over and done with and carry on with my life as it had been before. I was rapidly losing friends at school as I was always snappy with the stress I was under, and more importantly I didn’t say a word to anyone which must have seemed very ignorant, but I couldn’t unless I would have thrown up all over them!

When I told my friends I had an appointment they all seemed much more relieved. One of them came with me to the hospital which was a horrible horrible day. There were three other people waiting as well as me and I was last so I had to wait in the waiting room for what felt like ages. Not long before I was to go through I started crying and said "I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this." An hour later I woke up on the bed with the procedure completed.

The next few days were full of pain but I blocked it out, stunned at what I had done. I was the good girl. Never answered back to teachers, didn’t talk in class, did her homework on time that sort of thing. People looked upon me as someone who would do no wrong. And here I was just after having had an abortion. I’ve cried and regretted my decision everyday since then. I know that ultimately it was my decision to walk into the operating theatre, nobody forced me to. But when so many people were telling me to do it, I felt that that was what they expected of me. If I didn’t do it they would be disappointed in me. So I did it to keep them happy and shut them up.

I was eleven weeks pregnant then and it was not until I recently discovered this website that I found out my little baby had a heartbeat. I now have an idea of what she would have looked like and it breaks my heart. I murdered her. I know it would have been difficult to have had her as there was no father but I am a strong person, I’ve had to be to cope throughout this ordeal.

One of the worst things for me was when I had a scan done. They didn’t even ask me if I wanted to see. I had to try hard to sneak a look at the printoff. I couldn’t make out much, but there she was, my baby, a little grey and white smudge!

I can’t explain how I feel now. There are so many things going through my head. The main thing is, why did I do it? I am doing everything I can to hold myself back from going out and sleeping with any random guy just to get pregnant again and have a second chance. I’ve seriously considered suicide. I’ve come close to it. It’s just so depressing when you only have this one heartbreaking thought running through your mind all day everyday. I can’t escape it.

I think I was in denial for a while. For about six weeks after the abortion I refused to believe it had worked. I made myself believe I was still pregnant. I made myself feel sick and I still patted my stomach and talked to her. It wasn’t until a follow up counselling session at the hospital that I asked a nurse, how do you know it worked? She knew exactly what was on my mind as I had told her exactly what had been going through my head. But she explained gently to me that it had worked and that was when I realised that there really was no going back. There was nothing I could do anymore.

I’ve tried so hard to get over it but I don’t know how to. I gave my closest friends a copy of my diary to let them know how I felt which didn’t do much good. I thought they would have been able to help me but I soon realised that there is nothing anyone can say to make me feel any better about myself. I’m growing apart from my friends because I’m still in my own little world and I can’t leave it. I’ve grown in a different direction to them. My school work is getting worse and worse as I have no motivation anymore.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel real anymore. I think I’m still in shock despite being three months down the line. Something I have noticed on this website is that not a single person has been happy about the decision to have an abortion. If there is any girl out there who is pregnant don’t listen to what anyone else has to say. Just do what you know is right. That’s the best thing you can do.

Alyson

Alyson | masterofthuniverse@yahoo.co.uk

Dear Alyson,

I’m so sorry to hear of all that you have been through and are still going through. Many girls feel pain and sadness for years after their abortion. There are ties that a woman has to her baby right from the very beginning. I have really seen that in my own life. I have never had an abortion, but I have had a miscarriage. The emotional pain was excruciating, even though my baby was only 8 weeks when she died. Some people around me couldn’t understand why I was reacting the way I was. They thought I should just get over it. It took me a quite a while to start to feel normal again.

You need to get help, though, in dealing with this. You need to find help and support in your area. Do you know of any support groups in your area? Your priest or minister may be able to help you. God loves you very much. He wants to heal you. Turn to Him. He will ease your pain. It will take time. Be patient with yourself. It is normal and very healthy for you to grieve your child. Allow yourself to do this and then keep moving forward. You can’t change the past. You need to forgive yourself as God has forgiven you.

Also, you might want to check out these websites…
www.afterabortion.org and www.projectrachel.org They deal with post-abortion healing and might be very helpful to you. Also, there is a ministry that offers retreats. It’s website is www.rachelsvineyard.org

Peace.

Becky | dearbecky@standupgirl.com