Just a quick note about me.

I found out I was pregnant 4 days before my Senior year in high school. Very much unplanned. Very much unexpected. My boyfriend and I had been together for about 9 months or so when I became pregnant. The world was against us.

When I found out I was expecting, my world came crashing down. I had always told my boyfriend that if I were to “end up” pregnant, I would get an abortion. Simple as that, right? Wrong! I didn’t want the baby and even made an appointment for an abortion. My boyfriend and his mother were going to take me in. Then, the weekend before my appointment,  I had a change of heart. My best friend took me to her Youth Pastor’s house so I could speak with his wife. Honestly, I had nothing to say to her. And she was really uncomfortable with me.

I knew that if I were to continue with the pregnancy, my boyfriend would leave me. I loved him so much. He was my world. But it was a chance I’d have to take. I told him that I couldn’t go through with an abortion and boy was he mad!! Then I had my first ultrasound and I decided that I would give the baby up for adoption. Then my Love left me. I was devastated. But I knew that he would leave. He warned me of it. He said he was too young. Everyone around him said that his life was over and his mom was really ticked off. She hated me. I was the little hooch that “trapped” her son. Over and over, she would say that we were dumb and that we wouldn’t ever have anything because of our “mistake”. (She is a Labor and Delivery nurse and has seen some pretty horrible things in her days).

My mom and sister gave me a guilt trip about adoption, promising that I could still have a normal teen experience because they would help me. But that never happened. I had my daughter in May and then I turned 18 two months later. I finished high school while I was still pregnant, but then I set out on a mission to prove that I would become “somebody”. I felt like I needed to prove that I was worthwhile and capable of overcoming a huge obstacle. I suppose my daughter was a great motivation to not fall into the partying trap.

I left home a month after my 18th birthday. I put myself through college. I moved 300 miles away from my friends and family…. all with my baby girl by my side.

My boyfriend and I were off and on, until he moved away with me so I could finish my college education. When my daughter was 8 years old, we finally got married. (She was the flower girl, haha). I remember planning for the wedding, my MIL told me how proud she was of me and that she was so sorry for saying those horrible things to me. That was like aloe on a sunburn.

Since then, my husband and I have gone on to have more children. We added 2 crazy little boys to the mix and even had another daughter.

Sadly though, while I was pregnant with our second daughter, Charlotte, I learned that she would be one sick little girl. Before finding this out, I had always said that if I took the prenatal tests and they came back weird, I would deal with it as it came. Then I had one. The doctors tried to convince me that “interrupting the pregnancy” would be a good option. What they were telling me was that I should have an abortion because my baby was sick. I heard terms like “incompatible with life”, “stillbirth”, “deformaties”, “growth restriction” and “heart and brain malfunctions” and didn’t know how to make sense of them.

They said “interrupting the pregnancy” like it could be resumed, ya know? NO! It can’t be resumed. It could never be resumed.

I was bent on keeping my daughter as long as God allowed. And that lasted for 36 weeks. Her little heart stopped beating while I was at the doctors office getting a check up. I was due at the end of the month.

I was able to deliver her like I did all of my other children. Some think that is gross. I used to. But I also had the chance to be her mommy. I was able to hold her and kiss her. I got to see what her little face looked like and check out the cute little curls on her head. Had I aborted her, I would have never seen her. I wouldn’t have been able to hold her or kiss her goodbye.

It wasn’t something that I thought I would ever have to go thru. But I did. And I think I made the right choice.

I miss her a lot, but I know that she is in a much better place.

Remember, it’s never as bad as you think it is…

~C