I got back from my boyfriend’s yesterday after staying there the weekend and over Valentines Day. He lives pretty far away now, so it’s every couple of weeks I see him. In many ways, I had the best ‘holiday’ ever.

I was excited and happy to go and see him, but ecstatic about spending time with his 9 week old baby sister. I had a wonderful long weekend and he really treated me – we went out for a few drinks Friday night after I got there, then on Saturday had an early Pancake Day and went out for a meal to a Thai restaurant which was beautiful and delicious, then got rather ‘tipsy’ that night with his mum! And then went to the cinema and for a quick bite on Sunday. What we did together was wonderful, it was nice to know we still have a strong bond after everything we’ve been through, and everything we’ve put each other through.
Yet on Saturday night I started crying with Chris – being around his sister and taking care of her was overwhelming. I knew what a great mummy I would have been.. So his mum came in and explained that I need to stop blaming Chris. She has had 2 abortions, so in a way she understood, yet her circumstances were different. I felt like we weren’t the same, and each person is different in that some people feel regret and some relief. I feel like I’m being pushed to get over something I’m not over yet.
Anyway, Chris’ little sister. Oh my goodness. She had grown so much since I last saw her, and what was better was that Chris’ mum said I had a free pass to pick her up if I liked, and to look after her. It was nice that she was around a lot more than last time, where they pretty much stayed in the bedroom. During the weekend I got lots of cuddles, I fed her, and I looked after her all on my own making her smile.. Making me smile inside and out. I’m so desperate. I shouldn’t be, but I feel like I’m missing out now. I feel like I’ve let go of this beautiful thing that could have been mine.. This perfect thing that I saw on that screen yet was still persuaded to lose. Chris always says how his mum often seems to get stressed and can’t cope, yet I feel like, even though I realize it would be stressful, I’d be so grateful to have what she has. She’s tiny, she’s something that was made out of love. And she’s perfect.. And I need that.

At one point a few weeks ago, I’d BEGGED Chris to try again, to make it real this time and to plan it. He says we’re not ready. In many ways we’re not, and I’m not writing this to get young mums to respond that it is a big commitment – I understand that! But I think I have more reason than any young, underage girl who simply wants a baby because it’s ‘cute’. I’ve seen my child on a screen, I’ve seen my child come out of me on my sanitary towel. I’ve buried my child. Nothing can replace it, I know that. But there’s something that can make up for the loss I feel and the unhappiness I’m experiencing, where nothing else can console.