Where do you go from here?

Hey, I just wanted to share my story and ask for comments or any advice. I am exactly 20 weeks into my pregnancy and expecting a beautiful babygrl. All through out my pregnancy, I wanted to keep it a secret from my "very strict" family. i WAS sure that they were gonna kill me, but they found out and just left it alone and actually have been supportive to a great extent. I live with my boyfriend so, the whole "getting kicked out issue" didn’t bother me. But now, I’m bored, I want freedom, I want to be able to go out and party like my friends, I want to be able to smoke again ( I MISS IT SO MUCH.. I QUIT coldturkey when I found out I was pregnant). I don’t get along with anyone, and on top of everything Im bipolar, I miss my mom and having everything in my house, and I don’t know what to do. Ive been suicidal in the past and I’m scared of going through that route again. I can’t feel the baby move yet, but she moved in the ultrasounds so much that the technicians were complaining. I love my man to death and he’s always been there but can that last a lifetime? Can I give this child a life she deserves? My family thinks abortion will save me, and in a way, it will. But it would destroy me as a person and I know it, and my bf would probably never get over it. Where do I go from here?

Happy New Year