very new to this.. n it has been years! 9 in fact

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      So I was 17 when I first fell pregnant and I can’t remember the 2nd time and what age as it was all a little blurry… how I have managed the last 9 years is by taking drugs.. being rather promiscuious and now having an adorable boyfriend who is like my star! If there is a God there is a reason as to why Im now feeling real Sad about the Babies that I could of or in would of or in fact should of bought into this world.. there is also a big reason as why today I have looked on the internet searching for some answers.. n found this website.. after 9 years my eyes have opened to my life and style and all the reasons why i justified the 1st abortion in my mind was because I wanted to Travel and see the world.. and not be tied down with a baby who was attached to a man who broke my heart and to be honest was not the type of man I wanted to ever see and certainly not be the father of my baby… we were going to have her.. she had a name in my head .. Bethany! Then just after the first scan I found out that the man I was engaged to was having a sexual affair with 3 other girls. Of which I was devasted and at 17 I was faced with a massive decision and I was soo scared.. scared of what people would think of me.. scared of how my life would turn out.. being on my own and bringing a baby into this world alone..So I made the heart breaking decision. 3 days later I moved to France and partied hard.. after moving back to the Uk I then moved to Brighton of which again was party central and drugs came into play! I remember once tripping and seeing a beaming white light from my stomach and seeing a angel type figure ivolving in front of my eyes… it was Bethany! Blonde curly hair and big blue eyes.. of which she would of had! After years of escaping I fell in love and he with me.. we lived abroad again and then moved back to the Uk. I was on the pill again and missed a period – took a test and voila! I was pregnant.. I went into break down.. same old fears came back but this time couldn’t tell my family and completley isolated myself. The feeling every morning of waking up with a baby inside of me was beautiful as it was years previous.. but this time I was in a beautiful relationship 2 years into it.. I had a feeling it would be a boy. My boyfriend at the time was somewhat of putted by the thought of a child, perhaps if I had of been truthful with myself I would of spoken to my friend n family n him more truthfully however I didn’t and therefore in turn went through a horrible process of termination. I don’t even remember the date.
      So now I find myself 9 years older – stopped taking drugs and drinking and smoking on anti depressents and finding my feeling more and more every day. never have I ever felt so compelled to write on this page and if no one answers or in fact replies then thats ok as I am taking my steps to improve my life.. as at the end of the day life is all about choices! I now beleive in the universe and the power of fate. I cried alot when I read some of your blogs sisters xxx I also have a dog called Biggles who is my baby and I also know my 2 babies are safe and I love them. I do beat myself up about thinking about the fact that one day I may decide to have this nasty coil removed and indeed have children but the powers that be may not let me. And the my belly gets tied in knots when I think of actually having a baby…but the feeling is immense ladies!


        Hey Sweetie, Thank you so much for sharing your heart…I too have been through the drinking, the drugs and major promiscuity, however those choices were not a result of abortion….I am so proud of you for taking a Stand, facing your past, and putting an end to your unhealthy lifestyle…I did the same thing and it was so freeing, I am excited for the amazing things you are opening yourself up to by being clean and sober…the best thing I ever did was wait till my wedding night to have sex with my husband, I am here for you and I support you in your new adventure…I am very sorry to hear about your abortions and I hope and pray that as you continue to improve your lifestyle that you will find more and more healing….welcome to the site…Love Meg


          Thank you Meg… its real positive for me to be writing about it.. I have had couselling before but there is only so much someone else can tell you. And this is why its helpful to write it down.. and jees I wrote a near on assay! 😀 SORRY ladies!

          Its a choice isn’t it! n for the reasons that were clear to me at the time I made them under which ever circumstance I was in. Now I can chose the life I want to live. That point is stronger and stronger every day. 😀 Much love

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