very new to this.. n it has been years! 9 in fact

So I was 17 when I first fell pregnant and I can’t remember the 2nd time and what age as it was all a little blurry… how I have managed the last 9 years is by taking drugs.. being rather promiscuious and now having an adorable boyfriend who is like my star! If there is a God there is a reason as to why Im now feeling real Sad about the Babies that I could of or in would of or in fact should of bought into this world.. there is also a big reason as why today I have looked on the internet searching for some answers.. n found this website.. after 9 years my eyes have opened to my life and style and all the reasons why i justified the 1st abortion in my mind was because I wanted to Travel and see the world.. and not be tied down with a baby who was attached to a man who broke my heart and to be honest was not the type of man I wanted to ever see and certainly not be the father of my baby… we were going to have her.. she had a name in my head .. Bethany! Then just after the first scan I found out that the man I was engaged to was having a sexual affair with 3 other girls. Of which I was devasted and at 17 I was faced with a massive decision and I was soo scared.. scared of what people would think of me.. scared of how my life would turn out.. being on my own and bringing a baby into this world alone..So I made the heart breaking decision. 3 days later I moved to France and partied hard.. after moving back to the Uk I then moved to Brighton of which again was party central and drugs came into play! I remember once tripping and seeing a beaming white light from my stomach and seeing a angel type figure ivolving in front of my eyes… it was Bethany! Blonde curly hair and big blue eyes.. of which she would of had! After years of escaping I fell in love and he with me.. we lived abroad again and then moved back to the Uk. I was on the pill again and missed a period – took a test and voila! I was pregnant.. I went into break down.. same old fears came back but this time couldn’t tell my family and completley isolated myself. The feeling every morning of waking up with a baby inside of me was beautiful as it was years previous.. but this time I was in a beautiful relationship 2 years into it.. I had a feeling it would be a boy. My boyfriend at the time was somewhat of putted by the thought of a child, perhaps if I had of been truthful with myself I would of spoken to my friend n family n him more truthfully however I didn’t and therefore in turn went through a horrible process of termination. I don’t even remember the date.
So now I find myself 9 years older – stopped taking drugs and drinking and smoking on anti depressents and finding my feeling more and more every day. never have I ever felt so compelled to write on this page and if no one answers or in fact replies then thats ok as I am taking my steps to improve my life.. as at the end of the day life is all about choices! I now beleive in the universe and the power of fate. I cried alot when I read some of your blogs sisters xxx I also have a dog called Biggles who is my baby and I also know my 2 babies are safe and I love them. I do beat myself up about thinking about the fact that one day I may decide to have this nasty coil removed and indeed have children but the powers that be may not let me. And the my belly gets tied in knots when I think of actually having a baby…but the feeling is immense ladies!