Terribly Lonely

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      My name is Anna I am 15 and six months pregnant. In my life I have been through lots of hardships, I’ve battled with homelessness, addiction to crystal meth, abuse, severe depression, suicide attempts, mental health issues and self mutilation. I’ve had pretty upsetting things happen to me, I lost a very close friend to me in a tragic accident that took his life at 14 years old…So being pregnant is not the first big thing to happen to me in my life, but it is the most permanent. Even one day my scars will fade, but my baby will be there for the rest of my life. I’m glad to say that I am still with the father, we’ve been togethor for 8 months and he is 21 years old with a 3 year old daughter. We lived togethor on the streets of Victoria and then made the choice to quit drugs (his addiction to meth was 5 years, mine almost a year) and move back to Sooke where my Mother welcomed us with open arms. Neil got enrolled in a 15 week long course called the Pathway Project that paid 8.00 an hour for learning all about careers and how to be a good employee, he passed it right away and has got a full time job paying 9.00 an hour at a restuaraunt. All the while he was taking the course I was working for 8.40 at Fields. It was nice to have our lives coming togethor and things becoming stable until the day I found out I was pregnant. Now bear in mind I wasn’t too shocked at finding this out, I had taken the deprovera shot and it had run out two months ago so I figured if I was pregnant it would be 1 or 2 months, still time to abort. Wrong. I had actually gotten pregnant before the shot so in all the time of thinking that I was protected there really was a small little fetus growing quietly inside of me. So then there was the decisions. When Neil came home that day he found me curled up in the fetal position wrapped up in the blankets and bawling my eyes out. I could barely get the words out to tell him I was pregnant but when I did he just held me and told me it would be ok. The abortion was still available, I had a week to decide and the ordeal would be horrible and inhumane. Second option was adoption. If we were to have this child, it would NOT be raised by someone else. So that left the one last option. Neil smiled at me and said "so we’re having a baby?"
      Shortly after we started a savings fund which is accumaliting quite a decent amount of money and tons of baby toys, clothes and doodads. The family knows, work knows, friends know but still all is not well. I am so terrified it has been holding my heart in it’s unceasing grasp until I can barely breathe. Sometimes when I am alone (neil works late and mom goes to AA meetings) I lie in bed and cry, asking a God I do’t even believe in to take this away from me. That makes me cry even more because then I feel terrible for even thinking such horrible thoughts, what if the baby somehow knew that at this low moment in my life I was thinking such horrid thoughts?? Anyways, all of my friends that I’ve known for so long aren’t interested in being there for me anymore. And why shouldn’t they? Everytime they see me it’s hey Anna you drinking tonight? Oh…right..umm *complete awkwardness* ok see you later.. smile and wave.
      That’s all it is now, just trying to avoid me..trying to make me go away.
      I guess you’ve picked it up by now but if you haven’t what I’m trying to say is I am terribly terribly lonely. Even with all the support I have my heart still aches and I still cry…I sometimes don’t even want the baby just because I can’t bear to have the child see me as a failure. I want the baby to be happy, healthy and not have to know what constant struggle is like. I just want to provide and remain sound of mind throughout the rest of this. I need help, I’m so small in all of this, so pitiful it feels, I just don’t know what to do and I really need someone there just to say..Everything will be ok.


        Everything will be ok. I have been threw that abuse homelessness depression suicide attempts and self mutilation. I don’t exactly know what the rest feels like but i’m sorry. I know my sorry doesn’t change anything. If you ever want to talk i’m here sorry if I wasn’t much help.


          i dont have a situation anything like yours.. but at the same time.. i can feel the same way at times.. my sons father walked out.. so to me hes already had one person fail him, and theres sometimes that i feel like i cant do it anymore.. but i dont want him to sit back and say hey both my parents failed me.. you have to stay strong… you have your whole life ahead of you.. but now its not just your life.. its your baby’s too.. everything you do infulences him or her… and you just need to remember that the suport that even others online give you… should make you feel loved, and anything but lonley.. i know it dosnt always help… but you’ll make it through just stand strong.. you’ve made it this far.. and i know that you have a strong heart if you’ve made it this far.. so I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT THE REST OF THE WAY! good luck.. be the best person you can be.. for you, and your un born child.


            1st let me say never call your self a falurie youve got your self off drugs n drinking n got a job have a place to live n have a beatiful wonderfu thing a baby growing inside of you n if god thought you were so horrable you wouldnt be here never the less preg at that your a wonderful lady for chossing life for your child n youll be able to do this n if your so called friends all want to drink n drug than you dont need them let them ruin there lifes on your own in a few yrs they will not be doing half as good if that as you n your bf will be. props to him for getting of the drugs n taking care of his family hes great to., im just begging you to stop telling god to take your child trust me you dont want that at all i had a miscarr. 7 weeks ago n its the worst thing that could ever happ. to you ive been through alot in my life as well not drugs n homelessness but everything else you have stated n more ive been through n look im here im ok i have a family n never thought i could do it n i did beli., in your self youll get threw this n when you feel lonely dont allow your self to be lonely come here n chat you can email me if you would like you never alone people care about you n want you to suceed keep your head up your going to get threw this in youll look back n say wow i cant bel i thought down of my self so bad. keep your head up n rem your never n i mean NEVER ALONE., mommy6/ justine


              hey there,
              I haven’t been through the exact same situation but I do know how it feels to lose someone close to you. I lost my dad a couple years ago and I can tell you now that the hollow feeling of losing someone close is a feeling that can’t even be imagined until you’ve felt it. I went through the self-mutilation road and knew that it wasn’t healthy but it was the only temporary means I had to making myself feel alive. But if you try and try hard and cry when you have to and try to stay strong you can make it through. And just try to remember that this baby can be an excellent thing. It can be an amazing thing. And the one thing that I thought of was that I didn’t want the baby I was going to have to think that it wasn’t wanted. I wanted it to always feel special and loved and never once think that it wasn’t loved. So as difficult as it is, you’ll make it.
              Plus if you read some of the stories on here, they give you a sort of strength that you didn’t think you had. Just give it some time and stay strong and you’ll figure things out.
              the truth takes time, nothing is ever simple but everything can be fixed. All you need is time.
              I believe that it’ll make you into a wise person and you will be able to pass that knowledge and wisdom onto your child and make a really smart indivdual.
              anyways! have faith! we’re all here for you!
              P.S. sorry this is so long haha


                Thanks everyone for offering encouragement and hope, I teared up after reading each comment :blush: It’s hard, every day has it’s hardships but every time I feel the baby kick my heart jumps a little…I think it’s going to be ok.
                Thanks guys 🙂

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