Terribly Lonely

My name is Anna I am 15 and six months pregnant. In my life I have been through lots of hardships, I’ve battled with homelessness, addiction to crystal meth, abuse, severe depression, suicide attempts, mental health issues and self mutilation. I’ve had pretty upsetting things happen to me, I lost a very close friend to me in a tragic accident that took his life at 14 years old…So being pregnant is not the first big thing to happen to me in my life, but it is the most permanent. Even one day my scars will fade, but my baby will be there for the rest of my life. I’m glad to say that I am still with the father, we’ve been togethor for 8 months and he is 21 years old with a 3 year old daughter. We lived togethor on the streets of Victoria and then made the choice to quit drugs (his addiction to meth was 5 years, mine almost a year) and move back to Sooke where my Mother welcomed us with open arms. Neil got enrolled in a 15 week long course called the Pathway Project that paid 8.00 an hour for learning all about careers and how to be a good employee, he passed it right away and has got a full time job paying 9.00 an hour at a restuaraunt. All the while he was taking the course I was working for 8.40 at Fields. It was nice to have our lives coming togethor and things becoming stable until the day I found out I was pregnant. Now bear in mind I wasn’t too shocked at finding this out, I had taken the deprovera shot and it had run out two months ago so I figured if I was pregnant it would be 1 or 2 months, still time to abort. Wrong. I had actually gotten pregnant before the shot so in all the time of thinking that I was protected there really was a small little fetus growing quietly inside of me. So then there was the decisions. When Neil came home that day he found me curled up in the fetal position wrapped up in the blankets and bawling my eyes out. I could barely get the words out to tell him I was pregnant but when I did he just held me and told me it would be ok. The abortion was still available, I had a week to decide and the ordeal would be horrible and inhumane. Second option was adoption. If we were to have this child, it would NOT be raised by someone else. So that left the one last option. Neil smiled at me and said "so we’re having a baby?"
Shortly after we started a savings fund which is accumaliting quite a decent amount of money and tons of baby toys, clothes and doodads. The family knows, work knows, friends know but still all is not well. I am so terrified it has been holding my heart in it’s unceasing grasp until I can barely breathe. Sometimes when I am alone (neil works late and mom goes to AA meetings) I lie in bed and cry, asking a God I do’t even believe in to take this away from me. That makes me cry even more because then I feel terrible for even thinking such horrible thoughts, what if the baby somehow knew that at this low moment in my life I was thinking such horrid thoughts?? Anyways, all of my friends that I’ve known for so long aren’t interested in being there for me anymore. And why shouldn’t they? Everytime they see me it’s hey Anna you drinking tonight? Oh…right..umm *complete awkwardness* ok see you later.. smile and wave.
That’s all it is now, just trying to avoid me..trying to make me go away.
I guess you’ve picked it up by now but if you haven’t what I’m trying to say is I am terribly terribly lonely. Even with all the support I have my heart still aches and I still cry…I sometimes don’t even want the baby just because I can’t bear to have the child see me as a failure. I want the baby to be happy, healthy and not have to know what constant struggle is like. I just want to provide and remain sound of mind throughout the rest of this. I need help, I’m so small in all of this, so pitiful it feels, I just don’t know what to do and I really need someone there just to say..Everything will be ok.