Shattered

Hi,

Call me Char and I’m 18 now. I found out that I’m positively pregnant last August 2010. I’m on my 9th month now and would be due anytime soon.

I’m 17 when the sex happened, the guy is 19 and he is not my boyfriend and we’re both under the influence of alcohol. I’m not on the normal state of my mind that time, because I drunk too much gin. He offered me to sleep at their house; it’s late night, so I agreed.

When we’re at their house, he introduce me to his mother that I’m his girlfriend (though we have just known that day); and we both went straight to his room. I’m so drunk and I really wanted to sleep at that time, but he demanded to have sex. I told him, “If you want to have sex with me, then wear a condom.” But he refused, and started demanding that he’ll go back town and he’d leave me all alone instead. Suddenly he’s on top of me and he’s penis already entered my virginity. I was shocked and I begged him to stop because it hurts. He told me that he knows what he’s doing and there’s nothing to worry about. Then he goes slow on me. I don’t have much strength left with me to push him away, so the sex continued. He’s my very first.

Morning, I’m so terrified, shocked and nervous at the same time. I can’t believe I had sex with a guy that I barely know; He is that one who first took my virginity. I just stared blankly at the wall, when he’s father knocked at his door to say it’s time to get up, it’s time for school. He’s family is hospitable, they even served me a hot bath and a decent breakfast. He’s father asked me, if my parents know that I slept over, and I answered politely, “No sir.” And when we leave their house, her mother even told me that, we should prioritize first our studies, we’re young, and we should control both of ourselves.

We’re not on the same school and had to go; he told me, “Text me.” and then we bid our goodbyes. After I had attended my only class that morning, I went straight to my friend’s apartment and I told her what happened. A month passed, I began to worry about my period. I’m almost two weeks delayed. My girl friends told me to have a pregnancy test, I did and it came out positively. I’m so nervous, I don’t know what to do. What would I tell to my parents? How would I tell to the guy that I’m positively pregnant? I thought of abortion but my friends told me not too. My friends pushed me to tell the guy that I’m pregnant, though I don’t have the courage to tell him. They accompanied me over to the guy’s house even if it’s already 9 in the evening. He then came out at their house, and I finally told him that I’m pregnant. He said, how could that happen, when we only had sex for the first time? He even said that, “Are you sure, that it’s me?” I said, “Of course, it’s you. Who could possibly be?” He said, “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. Bring the pregnancy test.” And went straight back to their house, after only about a less than 5 mins. private talk.

My friends was like, “Wow! You came all the way here at this very evening, infront of their house, and bang, he just left you in thin air!” I told my friends about our little convo. And they really hated the guy for what he just did and everything he said. After a minute or three, the guy texted me to have an abortion. I really don’t know what to do, my first option was to take abortion at first. If I did have an abortion, that would make me no lesser than a murderer.

The next day, we met. The guy gave me the medicine for abortion and I showed him the positive pregnancy test. He couldn’t take what he see and he just dropped it right away inside my bag and we started to blame each other and even say hateful words to each other and then he left (with a girl). I started crying, good thing my friends are there to comfort me. They told me not to take the medicine no matter what.

The next day, I told my aunt that I’m pregnant and I wanted an abortion, but she warned me. I took three 500mg tablets of the medicine every day for 3 days. Days passed, unbeknown to me, my aunt already said to my mother that I’m pregnant. My mother didn’t get angry, she said, “What happened child?” I didn’t say a word because I really don’t know what to say. She called up my father abroad and she told that I’m pregnant. My father has raised voiced when mother handed me the phone, but he’s not angry with me. My mother and I consulted a doctor and I’m truly positively pregnant. The medicine I took didn’t work at all and I even told the doctor about the medicine. She said, that the medicine I took is not effective for abortion and there’s nothing to worry about, the baby is safe. I first heard baby’s heartbeat starting my second trimester. It was like a melody. It’s a joy!

I’m on my 5th month of pregnancy, when father went back home to us. He even have to leave his work (at other country) just have to talk with the guy. I called up the guy that my father wanted to talked with him and he agreed, but in a condition that he should get his parents with him. The guy only showed up (with his girl cousin; according to him). He explained that he didn’t told about this with his parents yet. He promised to my parents to support the baby and he confessed of breaking-up with his current girlfriend for the sake of what’s happening. He also promised to bring his parents next time. My parents give him two weeks for that, but nothing happened. He’s not on the move. My parents are really pissed with the guy and so am I.

I’m on due soon and until now, the guy’s NONE. Does he have amnesia? Last month, last time he’s seen me, he didn’t even greeted me a single hello. Instead he just passed by my and he just walked fast as if to avoid me.

Ever since that day that I went with him and slept with him, and had sex with him, I’m always sad, crying, staring blankly on walls, and not on my mind everyday! Everyday! I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of taking my own life after I gave birth to my baby. I really just don’t know what to do nor how to go through with life anymore. I’m on regrets, but regrets doesn’t really matter when reality is really here in front of you. I can’t even stand up on my own feet. I don’t know where to get my strength now. I’m so depressed, everyday! This is not just so me. Am I this paranoid now?

I’m not really that close to my mother and hopin’ that my closest cousin, which I regard as my bff and sister, could understand what I’m in right now, I turned to her and I consulted her. But instead, I got this from her, “If you, push a case against him, it’s just a waste of time and money. You’ll just make the issue larger. And the guy’s not worth it. It’s just so weak. And why bother, pushing a weak case against him? Just because you had sex with him? You’ll just make the issue larger. It’s a waste. I f I where you, just leave it that way. And besides, you both wanted it anyway” And I felt like, she stepped down every inch of me and I even have to defend myself when she said that.

I’m shattered inside and out. And now, this makes me even scared to face the world. :'(