Pain

Hi. I’m Lisa. I have a problem. Something that no one seems to understand. I had an early miscarriage February 29 of last year. It was such an awful day. I laid in my bed crying because the bleeding and pain wouldnt stop. Its been a year and a half, but I can’t forget it. I was only about five weeks, so maybe i shouldn’t be so devastated. But as soon as i saw the lines on that stick, I was in love. My due date was October 18. If i had the chance to get an ultrasound that might have changed, but that date is the only thing i have left of my baby. We named her Jayden Lee. A neutral name, but something other than “the baby that i lost”. A few days after i lost her(i always dreamed she was a girl), I went to the health department to make sure i didnt need a d and c or anything like that. There were so many babies in that waiting room. It was like a joke. Like a big, ha! Look at us with our beautiful babies. You have nothing. I burst into tears in front of everyone. My loving, so supportive mother held me in the bathroom until i got control of myself. After the appointment, she drove me back to school. I was in a daze. I looked no one in the eye, I talked to no one. My boyfriend was the only one who understood, but he didnt understand enough. He didnt know what it felt like to have your love growing inside of you. Knowing you had to protect it, nourish it, so it could grow. He didnt know what it felt like to know you failed. To look in the bloody toilet and know that the most important thing in the world is gone. He let my lie on his chest and cry for as long as i needed, but he didnt understand. He still doesnt. After i lost my baby, i wanted another one. I wanted to replace what was missing. I got pregnant again in April. 3 very positive pregnancy tests. Only to lose this baby two days later. three days before my doctor’s appointment. I didnt know her due date, so i have nothing of her. Nothing. I only had two days. The eighteenth of every month is painful. My seven month old sister is a painful reminder to me everyday of what i dont have. For months, i will know i should wait to have a baby. But then, all of a sudden, i will so deeply long for a baby. Like i have never wanted anything so badly. I come up with plans in my head about how we will support ourselves and our baby. They are so convincing. But then again, its not so hard to convince myself. I am on birth control, so obviously i am not trying for a baby, but nothing i can tell myself can cease the longing. I can not go to Babies R Us and buy a thousand dollar baby crib, I dont own a house that i could paint my babies nursery in. These things are not nessecities, but pleasures. Pleasures that i want my baby to have. I just need to know if there is anyway to stop the dreams of my babies, to stop the longing to be a mother. I have never told anyone this story. Not even on here. I really need advice. I am going crazy.