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arie
I’m 24 years old, my boyfriend is 20, and we’re 2 weeks pregnant (we know the exact day, since ir was because of a broken condom). He got his first and only other girlfriend pregnant once… her strict Christian parents bullied them into keeping the baby that neither of them were ready for. Now that he found out I’m pregnant he says he’s willing to support me no matter what we decide, but I know he wants to have an abortion. He doesn’t want to get bullied into anything again, I guess.
Against all logic, I want to keep it. I have two more years of school before I get my masters, and there are lots of places I want to travel to, and lots of things I want to do. And I know I’ll have to give some of them up, but the thought of killing something growing inside me is unbearable. At least I’m 24… I’ve traveled and done things, and experienced being young and free. My boyfriend is younger and I’m more afraid of ruining HIS life than my own. I don’t want to make him feel trapped with me because of an accidental pregnancy. I don’t want him to resent me… I know he loves me and he’ll stay, but I don’t know if he’ll be happy. He’s encouraging me to have an abortion, and I’m afraid to even say "let’s at least talk about the option of keeping it".
I don’t know what to do. I’m early enough along to have a non-surgical abortion, the pill, and all my friends are talking about it like it’s nothing. Like, "oh, that’s all? it’s not even surgery? what’s the big deal then?" But I was reading about fetal development… I read that at 22 days, it’s own little heart starts beating with it’s own blood. I don’t know what to do. I’m afriad that even if I agree to an abortion, I’ll just scream and jump out of the car on the way to the clinic. How can I talk to my boyfriend? What can I say to him?
SweetTea
You really sound like deep down you want to keep your baby. I’ve never had an abortion, so I can’t speak on behalf of those who have. But, I did get pregnant when I was 16 and chose to keep my baby. I have read many stories on this website, and talked to many people who have had abortions and so many of them (even the ones who chose to abort their babies very early on in the pregnancy) have dealt with a lot of guilt and regret. I can honestly say from my experience, that in the three years and six months that my daughter has been alive, I have not ever once regretted making the decision that I did to keep her.
When I got pregnant, I was in high school. My boyfriend and I had been dating for quite a while, and we were pretty serious. When I found out I was pregnant, I did have some time where I felt pretty desperate for things to go back to "the way they were", I just wanted it to all go away because I was so scared and I felt like everything in my life was suddenly threatened. That time is very hard, but you have to keep your head up. My boyfriend and I stayed together for a while, but eventually broke up. Please don’t make your decision based on him. Make your decision based on what the right thing to do is. He sounds like he’s been through a lot with his ex. Don’t let him influence you in making a decision that you could regret for the rest of your life.
You talked about your future plans and your boyfriends’ future and his life yet to come… I believe that all of those things are still possible. Many people feel that when they get pregnant, they have to throw all of their hobbies out the window, and that they can’t travel and that they can’t stay in school, and that they have to become a totally different person. That simply isn’t true! You and your boyfriend may have to put some things on hold for a period of time, but it isn’t permanent. You can still finish school, and so can he. I got my GED during the Winter of the year I found out I was pregnant, when I was 16. My daughter was born in June of that year, and then in August of that same year I started college. I’m still in school now, and it’s going to take me 5 years to finish instead of 4 because I am having to spread out my coursework a little bit, but I will still graduate, and I will still go on from here to my career.
It isn’t easy to do with a baby, but every single day is more than worth it when I pick her up in the afternoons and she runs and hugs me and tells me that she loves me. I would rather see her face light up at night when I read bedtime stories to her instead of being drunk at some party. I would rather play in the sprinklers in the back yard in the summers and hear her giggle than to be out with my friends. All of the little personality traits that she has are just fascinating to me. It just amazes me that she has my eyes, and my chin. She has her father’s forehead and his ears. She likes certain foods and dislikes others. She is particular about the order that things go in. There are some songs that she loves and dances with, and others that she doesn’t respond to the same way. She is just amazing to me, and every day with her is a new adventure. Knowing that she depends on me for everything (even though it’s less and less the older she gets) is a little bit scary, but it motivates me to try harder to be the best that I can be for her because she deserves at least that much.
Email me if you ever want to talk. Rachel@StandUpGirl.com
*Hugs*
RachelqueenB
It is not illogical that you want you parent your child. It is completely rational. It is true that you have a wonderful human life inside of you – a life that is not replaceable.
It is true that your baby’s heart begins to beat around the 22nd day. Did you know that at the very moment of conception (when the sperm hits the egg) your baby’s hair color, eye color, height, approximate weight, and some personality traits are all determined? That is right. Your baby looks like you! He or she could have your eyes, nose, mouth, hair, etc. You have inside of you a unique person.
You are right for wanting to parent your child, and if you ask me, I think you can do it. I know you can do it. I believe in you. I can tell that you would make a great mother. You are already so concerned about your child. You are a Stand Up Girl! You can do this.
Thank you both for your encouragement… I never even considered being able to go to school and raise a child at the same time. I’d really like to talk to you sometime about how you do it, Rachel, if you don’t mind. My school doesn’t have any resources for pregnant or parenting students, and the counseling center (in the guise of offering options) really just encourages abortion. Pre-natal care, and then day care, are both really expensive, and my parents aren’t able to help. My mom doesn’t make enough money to contribute, and she lives eight hours away. My dad isn’t even in the picture. There is a Catholic charity in my area that offers parenting education and day care, but I’m a little afraid that they will reject me either because I’m unmarried, or not Catholic.
I hope everyone doesn’t mind if I start frequenting this forum… it’s the only place I’ve asked for advice where everyone didn’t immediately suggest abortion! I’m so glad to talk to people who think that having a child wouldn’t be throwing my life away. Strangely, knowing I’m pregnant, I’m not panicking. At least not yet! I think that my main worries are dissapointing my family, losing or hurting my boyfriend, making it financially, and finishing school.
Arie
I am so thankful that you are really listening to your heart on this decision. Parenting is hard. Being a single parent is even harder. But it isn’t impossible. You are worth living a life that isn’t filled with guilt and regret over a decision that you made on behalf of someone else acting out of fear. And your baby is worth the chance of living a life that promises him or her an amazing future. Who knows, he or she could be the next president! Or, a doctor, or so many other things! But if you choose to try your hardest, you are allowing yourself and your baby a chance at that.
I know what it’s like not having much money. That really can put a damper on a lot of things. But there is hope with that too! There are many, many resources out there for teen and single moms. Sometimes they’re hard to find, but if you’ll send me an email, I can help you find some good ones in your area. Rachel @StandUpGirl.com
You asked how I do it, with work and school and my baby… well, sometimes I don’t even know! It’s a lot to juggle, but I know that things won’t always be this hectic and I love my daughter so much, I want her to have as much as possible. I wake up early in the mornings, and I take her to daycare. I go to school and take a couple of classes in the mornings. Then, I go to lunch and do some homework on my lunch break. After that, I go to work for a few hours, then I go pick my daughter up and go home. Then, I cook supper, do laundry, play with her, give her a bath, all that good stuff, and then put her to bed. After I get her in bed, I do some more homework and go to bed myself. Then, I get up and do it all over again!
Now, before you stare at that with big eyes and panic… it’s not as bad as it might sound. Really. It’s a routine that we have, and it works. My mom might not have a lot of extra money to help with things, but she is there for support. She wasn’t jumping up and down saying that she was proud of me when I first got pregnant, but I was honest with her and told her about it, and she hugged me and told me that she loved me, and that she would be there for me through this. And she loves my daughter so much. Sometimes, I think she loves her more than me! 😉
My life is different than a lot of people my age, but I do still have good friends. (Believe it or not!) We eat lunch together sometimes, and we hang out on the weekends sometimes and we take classes together. I don’t go out and party all night long like I used to do, but I really don’t have an interest in going anyway anymore.
Being a (poor) young mom, I really had to get humble! I don’t know what you’re like, but sadly enough, I used to be one of "those girls" with the perfect ten pounds of makeup and designer clothes. It is kind of sickening to look back at my old pictures. That has allllllll changed! I’m very thrifty now, I must say!
Are you active in a church? I know you said that there is the Catholic charity, and you were worried about them rejecting you because you aren’t Catholic. I would still go and try to talk to someone there. Even if you aren’t Catholic, it sounds like they have a great program and have good resources. It wouldn’t hurt to try!
Send me an email though, and I’ll do my best to help you in whatever way that I can.
Keep your head up!
*HUGS*
Love,
Rachel
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