My Story

I have had family and emotional issues my whole life, and I had always longed for a sense of feeling..neeeded, I suppose. For a short period in my life, from the age of 16-17.5, I lost a lot of respect for myself and my body and had unprotected sex with many guy who I knew didn’t care about me, but I felt as though they needed me. I am so lucky that I never got pregnant or got any std’s from these guys.
I am not 18 years old, and in October I met my boyfriend and after a couple weeks of us being together, we had unprotected sex. I didn’t really think anything of it, seeing as how I had been on the birth control pill for over a year. But then I started getting really sick in the mornings, and I found myself feeling weak and tired all the time, and I could not keep anything down at all. My step-mom took care of me and we all just thought it was the flu, or something like that. Then one day we went for a drive and she said, “Is there any chance you could be pregannt?” That was the first time I had ever even thought about it. I automatically said no, because I didn’t think I could be, and because the whole idea scared me so much. But after a couple more weeks and still being sick all the time, I went to Wal-Mart and bought two pregnancy tests. I went home and took them. And found myself staring down and two positive signs. I was in shock, I didn’t move and didn’t say a word for nearly half-an-hour. My sister knocked on the door and asked what I was doing. She came in and saw what I was staring at. We sat on the bathroom floor together, bawling. I had always wondered what I would do if I found out I was pregnant- and this was it.
My boyfriend knew I was going to take a test, and when I told him, he was upset and disappointed. He wasn’t ready to be a parent. And neither was I. We both agreed that if we ever had children, we would want them to have the best lives possible. And being two young, naive teenagers would not help that at all. Right from the start, he wanted me to get an abortion. He thought it would be for the best. I always thought that if I got pregnant I would get an abortion. But once you actually find yourself in that situation, it’s a very difficult decision to make. I thought about all the options-adoption, keeping the baby, abortion. The decision was incredibly hard for me to make. I would spend a lot of time with my hands on my tummy.

After a lot of thinking, I knew getting an abortion was the right choice for me. And so, I made the appointment, and had to go through with one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I will never forget the images of my baby’s feet on the sonogram. I saw it move.

When the procedure was finished, I was relieved. No more keeping secrets, no more being sick all day every day. No more stress. I never thought about how it would affect me in the months to come.

I cry every single day, nights are the hardest. Sometimes I find myself with my hands on my belly. And I have to remind myself that there is nothing in there. For the first time in my life, I had felt truly needed. Sometimes I have always wanted. That baby needed me, and I tore it away from me. Something was growing inside me- one of the most amazing miracles in life. Sometimes when I’m sleeping I see the images of my baby, and I wake up screaming. Whenever I see a baby I feel sick to my stomach and find myself wondering- what would it have been like? What would my baby have looked like? Would I have been a good mother?

The place I went to get my abortion was very good to me- they made me feel comfortable and safe. I just wish they would have been able to tell me about how I felt on the inside after I got my abortion- empty, and alone.