My life…

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      recently I lost my daughter. On May 4th at 7:30pm. My daughter slipped through my figners and all I had left was her limp lifeless body. It seems like hours since those moments of realization she is gone, but the truth is its only been almost 3months. Another little miracle worked its way into my life in those moments. I was pregnant with our second child. With all the grieving and hardship I placed on my body after that day I only carried that baby until a little over 8 weeks. I have had some great times through this though. I got married July 24th in Ireland. I married Kennah’s father. As I move on with my life I continue to struggle with the realization that Ken is gone. My Hubby is always telling me when we have other kids it will be fine. But in my heart it isnt. I miss the quiet times with her watching her play, holding her in my arms, listening to her laugh, seeing her discover something new. But I will never expierence anything like that ever again. As time goes on I feel like I am losing the memory of her. I remember her hair it was curly and smooth, She had dimples and was always smiling, She was just learning how to walk and talk. She was learning what teh word no meant. I cant remeber if I kissed her before she died. I dont remember what I had been wearing when I took her to the hosiptal. I dont remember if she was scared or frightened. I couldnt hold her in the hosital. I dont remeber if she was warm or cold. I dont remeber if the nurses were nice to her or if she was comforted. I dont remeber pulling her hair face her face like I used to when she was sick. Will she ever know how much I loved her? Will she ever know how hard I tried to keep her here with me? Will she ever know what me and her father went through have her? God Sent me a angel from heaven and now I still have a broken heart that she is gone. I wipe tears from my eyes as I write this. I should be over this, but i miss her. I miss her so much it hurts. Why does my husband not care like I do? I sat up with her in the night just to hold her and listen to her breath all the time when she was young. I would give anything to hear that again feel her skin against mine. to feel her life against mine. I just want her to breath. I can still remeber that much. Memories will com and go but in my mind those nights are etched in place. Kennah was definately a gift from God if only she could have stayed longer.


        Hey Devyn…I just wanted to drop a line and let you know that what you are feeling is normal…there will always be a place in your heart and mind that is permanently etched with Kennah…it seems as though you have had a rough couple of years and especially the past 3-4 months…but..if I may I would like to offer you some encouragement…I remember when it hit me that my mom was never coming back…just like you are at that same place with Kennah..I realized that I could no longer hear her voice, or remember what her laugh sounded like…I broke down hard wondering if I could survive the rest of my life without the memories that were quickly vanishing…but…even though at one point they seemed to be leaving my mind…more recently (5 1/2 years after her death) I have been getting those memories back…I can hear my moms voice again…I can see her in my mind clear as day…the memories are coming back…I have grieved in so many ways, I had finally got rid of the ziplock bag with one of her shirts that I had smelled until her scent was gone, I got rid of the buzz lightyear coffee cup that she had kissed with red lipstick, I got rid of her acrylic fingernail that had fallen off with a piece of her real nail attached to it, I had saved all of these things for years because they had evidence that she had been here on this earth….I recently met a woman who looked identical to my mom when she was younger, about my age, I had the greatest time talking with her and staring in her eyes, it brought me so much healing… have just begun a very emotional, unpredictable process, everyone grieves differently…that is why your husband may not be "outwardly" showing his hurt…he wants to be strong for you….in the Bible when David got Bathsheeba pregnant and the baby was dying he was is distress and he was just about to go insane from the grief and confusion but when the baby died, he got up, bathed, changed his clothes and ate….everyone was in confusion and asked him why he was fine when he had just been so distraught that his child was dying….he told them that his child was with the Lord now…not one more ounce of worry could change it…and right now Kennah is with the Lord…I don’t believe that He would allow her pain in heaven…that is one of the Promises we pain , no tears, ….if God allowed Kennah to know how much you miss her it would make her sad to know that you hurt…I think He is keeping her busy up there with all kinds of Wonderous things…He is taking the best care of her and she is helping Him prepare a place for when you and daddy go home one day….don’t let anyone tell you "you should be over this"….you never will be "over this"…you will carry her with you forever…the pain will fade a bit over the years…sometimes it will hit you out of nowhere and other days you will feel strange for not "feeling" sad…this is a process, and a difficult one at that…I think you should allow yourself to cry when ever you need to, I think you should enjoy your husband and share memories, laugh, cry, then laugh some more…you can sit there and try to remember things all you want but sweetie it is not going to help you…depending on the mood you are in your mind will tell you a different thing than it really was…trust me…I had this visual of my mom when I pulled her out of the tub…I saw this evil look on her face and everything was dark and creepy and evil..over a year later I picked up the evidence package from the court house (they have to keep all evidence in those kind of cases for at least a year just in case a similar one happens) I prayed and prayed to make sure I could handle looking at the 91 photos taken of the scene but I put the disk in my computer and looked at them…it was not how I remembered it at all….she looked sad not evil, it was very bright in the bathroom, not dark and creepy, I needed to look at those photos to remember how it REALLY was…and I am so thankful I did…please don’t put yourself though unneeded trauma…just remember your perfect angel, your beautiful daughter, and know that even if she did suffer or feel cold and frightened that she has no more pain or tears and when you get to heaven she will be there to greet you…you will reccognize each other but you will not have the memories of pain and suffering…you did the best job you possibly could have…you gave her every chance and opportunity, you gave her more than enough love and care…God couldn’t have chosen a better mommy for her…one day you will know and understand as you are Known and Understood by your Creator and you will have the chance to know why this all has happened but for now take everyday as it comes and KNOW that you did a great job as a mommy and this was not your fault and that you will have many more blessings in life…just hang in are really doing so much better than most people in your shoes…keep looking up, keep trusting the Lord, let your husband grieve how he needs to and let him be your shelter on a hard day…you will get through this together and the Lord will see you through if you keep your eyes on Him…I promise…I love you so much and I am here for you and I am proud of you…just don’t give up..ok…I hope this helped a little…Love and Prayers..Meg

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