my gorgeous little angel

ok, this is the first time i have felt ready and able to post anything on this site regardin my son…

let me start at the beginning, i am 19 nearly 20 years old, i have been with my partner since 16/08/08 so for the last 2 years 2 months(nearly) and within that time i have had 2 full term pregnancies. but to people who don’t know my story, they only think i have one baby.

let me explain…

i had my daughter on 18/06/09 she weighed 6lb 10ounces and is now a healthy bubbly 16 month year old, i got pregnant with her after being with my partner only a month, unplanned but expected as not using contrception (both me and my partner don’t like using them, judge us all you want)

me and my partner have been thru a lot, we have had trouble from various so called ‘friends’ and my family have never liked my partner (long story, maybe i’ll do another post :D) but i never in a million years imagined we’d ever go thru what i’m about to tell you all…

i fell pregnant again when my daughter was 5/6 months old, we had already said we both wanted a big family and we wanted our first two really close, so we were obviously over the moon!

now my second pregnancy was not as straight forward as my daughters, i was ill all the time, fainting and everything. i was constantly in pain and never had the energy to do anything. at my 20wk scan we found out we were haing a boy 😀 and we’re even more happy! i’d always wanted a boy and a girl for my first two.

my family were over the moon too, as he was gonna be the first boy born into our family in the last 41 years, my uncle being the last. so we knew he was gonna be a special little boy! 🙂

when i was 34 weeks pregnant we went out and bought everything for our lil man, everything was blue and green… was so different to the pinks and purples with my daughter. little did we know what was about to happen.

on 31/08/10 i started having contraction type pains after feeling ‘funny’ all day while out at ashton court with my family. at about 7pm while putting my daughter to bed they got worse, we started to get really excited thinking he was coming early. packed his bag and set off to the hospital with my friend who offered to give us a lift.

when i arrived at the hospital i was nt to the assesment unit, they checked my lil boys heartbeat… at that moment i knew something was wrong, the look on that midwifes face told me all i needed to know. i knew then that my lil boy was with the angels, i completely broke down in tears. my partner trying to tell me that he was still there and he was ok, he was our lil soldier and he was fine. i knew he wasn’t.

she came back and told us i sounded like our lil mans heart as synchronising with mine, as apparantly that can sometimes happen. so thy wanted to send me for sonogram so they could see him on screen.

they led me into the same room i delivered my daughter, i broke down. how could i bring one life into the world in that small room but yet lose another, it just didn’t seem right. the woman came in and spoke to me like i was too young to understand what was happening, i knew perfectly well that my baby was no longer with us.

those 2 mins while she did the scan seemed like the longest 2 mins of my life, i cried the whole time and then i heard the words i never thought i would ever have to listen to… ‘there is no heartbeat’ they even got a second person in from home to do another scan to comfirm.

they gave me the option to go home or stay in hospital. we chose to stay, i delivered my sleeping babyboy the next day at 4.18am he was beautiful, tiny but so beautiful. he weighed 4lb 4ounces but was perfect.

for the few weeks after this happened to us, i went thru a mix of emotions. i blamed myself for everything, i was his mummy, i was supposed to protect him from all the bad things and keep him safe. in a way i feel like i hae failed my special lil boy. i know time is ahealer but at the moment i can’t see how it will ever get better.

it has been 5 weeks since that day, and today would of been his due date. i don’t blame myself anymore, i have accepted the fact he’s gone even tho it breaks my heart that i will never get to hold him or see him again, but i know god has better plans for him, he needed my special lil boy as one of his angels.

not a day goes by where i don’t think of you my lil soldier, have fun playing with the angels and i promise i’ll see you again some day! mummy loves you with all her heart and much more! daddy and your big sister miss you and love you loads too <3

xxxxxxxxxx sleep tight babyboy xxxxxxxxxx